Post 'em here--good ones, bad ones, cheesy ones, whatever.
Well I was gonna tell you a joke about nachos but it was too cheesy
Now that you haven't told me it I have some beef with you.
Two termites walk into a bar.
One termite asks the other,"Is the bar tender here?"
A piece of string goes into a bar and tells the bartender he wants a beer.
The bartender refuses him, stating that he doesn't serve strings.
So the string, determined to be served, leaves the restaurant. He ties himself up, and ruffles his hair till he is unrecognizable. He walks back into the bar and requests a beer.
The bartender studies him for a second and asks suspiciously, "Are you that same piece of string that was just in here?"
The piece of string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
That made me laugh too much. xD
A jew, an asian, a black person, and a priest walk into a bar and the bartender asks "is this some kind of joke?"
two men walk into a bar, you'd think the second one knew better.
A man goes ice fishing. He finds a spot and begins picking at the ice, when suddenly he hears a booming voice say, "There are no fish there."
The man, a little bewildered, goes to another spot and has at it again. A very short time later, the booming voice says, "There are no fish there."
The man, more than a little freaked out, goes to another spot, but before he can begin, the booming voice says, "There are no fish there, either."
The man says shakily, "Are you God?"
The voice responds, "No, I'm the arena manager."
God that joke is awful but I couldn't resist. xD
Also, @Shado--I was gonna post "Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it."
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"
LOLOLOLOL
Two muffins are in the oven. One says, "It's getting hot in here!"
The other one says, "HEY! A talking muffin!"
Three scientists were sailing across the ocean, when their boats gas ran out, and they were washed upon a random island. They decided to go exploring, so that they could figure out how to get off the island. While exploring however, they came across a group of cannibals, and were captured. The cannibals told them: "Bring us 10 of one kind of fruit, and we'll release you."
So off went the three scientists. Soon, the first scientist came back. He came back with 10 strawberries. With smiles on the cannibals faces, they then told him: "You must shove these fruits up your butt without showing any emotion. If you do this, you are free to go." So away he went. One. Two. Three. Four. On his fifth, he slightly squinted in pain, and was killed. Poor guy.
Along came the second scientist. He had ten blueberries. The cannibals told him the same thing, though quite sad as they believed he would be able to complete the task. So away he went, shoving them up his butt. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. On the tenth, he burst into laughter. Needless to say, they killed him.
Now, in heaven, the first scientist said to the second: "Why did you burst into laughter? You could have lived!" The second scientist replied: "I saw the third scientist coming with pineapples."
THAT IS SO HORRIBLE because I laughed
My cannibal joke:
Three friends went on a cruise with their wives to the Caribbean islands. The three of them decided to take kyaks out for the day and go exploring.
They landed on an island and came across one of the last cannibal tribes in the Caribbean.
The cannibals said to them,"We will not lie. We are going to eat you and use your skin to make the hulls of our canoes"
"But because we are peaceful cannibals, we will let you choose your own form of death."
The first guy though about it and finally said,"I want to make this quick and painless. Could I have a gun?"
He went out into the woods and shot himself in the head.
The second man thought that that was a descent way to go. So he did the same.
Then the cannibals asked the third man how he wanted to die.
He asked,"Could you bring me a fork"
Some of the cannibals began to wonder what he was going to do.
As he was killing himself he screamed "ENJOY YOUR FUCKING CANOES!"
There was this brilliant mathematical horse. You could teach him arithmetic, algebra was a synch, it could even prove theorems in Euclidean geometry. But when you tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously, neigh loudly and make violent head motions in resistance.
The moral is: You can't put Descartes before the horse
Also another my friend told me,
Descartes walks into a bar and the bar tender asks, "Would you like a drink?" Descartes replies "I think not" and promptly disappears.
(https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.ebaumsworld.com%2FmediaFiles%2Fpicture%2F730195%2F80629401.jpg&hash=2cb4f22a43aef7cdf75127f82d0c29750174c8e3)
xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Win.
That made my day :D
A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for Valentine's Day.
The rich man says "I got my wife a Mercedes and a 3 CRT. diamond ring."
The poor man says "Why did you get her both?"
"Because if she doesn't like one she always has the other...what did you get your wife?"
The poor man replies, "I got her slippers and a dildo."
The rich man says "Why did you get her a dildo?"
The poor man says, "So if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself."
Lulzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Bad Pirate jokes:
A pirate gets his ears pierced.
A man man walks up to him and asks,"How much was it to get your ears pierced?"
The pirate replies,"Arrrrg, a buck an ear!"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his pants.
The bar tender asks,"Why do you have a steering wheel on your pants?"
The pirate replies,"Arrrrg, it be driving me nuts!"
Pirate joke you've probably all heard before.
A man is in a bar when a pirate comes in and sits next to him. He has a hook, a peg leg, and an eyepatch. The man is intrigued, so he says, "How did you get that peg leg?"
The pirate replies, "Arrr...I was in a fight with a crocodile, and he bit my leg right off."
The man says, "Oh," and after a minute inquires, "How did you get that hook?"
The pirate replies, "Arrr...I was in a swordfight, and my opponent cut me hand off."
The man says, "That's incredible! And how did you get that eyepatch?"
The pirate replies, "Arr...I was out on the deck of me ship, and a seagull pooped in my eye."
The man, puzzled, asks, "You lost your eye because of seagull poop?"
The pirate sighs and says, "Arr, well, it was me first day with the hook."
how do you get your girlfriend to scream during sex? call her.
lolz.
what is 2x4? a plank of wood.
So there's a guy and a girl having sex. The guy throws the condom he's using out the window. The girl says "If you wanna keep going, you have to get that condom." So the guy goes to get it and sees a kid holding it. The guy pulls some candy he stashed in his pocket out. He tells the child "I'll give you this candy for that candy. They trade and the kid goes home and the guy goes back to business.
The kid goes home, his mom sees the candy and asks "Hey son, where did you get that candy from?" The kid replies "I traded with a guy, but joke's on him: I got all the cream out of his candy."
Stupid, I know, but I just had to get this out. xD
That's just sick.
THERE WERE NO LOLZ IN THAT JOKE.
IF I WERE TRAPPED ON AN ISLAND WITH HITLER, BIN LADEN, AND THAT JOKE AND I HAD A GUN WITH ONLY 2 BULLETS, I'D SHOOT THAT JOKE TWICE.
The lolz are in the reactions xD
*Straight face* Disgusting. :P
So a neutron walks in to and asks for a drink. The bartender gives him one, and the neutron asks, "How much will that be?" And the bartender says, "No charge for you."
...I laughed.
Quote from: universe-X on December 11, 2010, 09:25:46 PMSo there's a guy and a girl having sex. The guy throws the condom he's using out the window. The girl says "If you wanna keep going, you have to get that condom." So the guy goes to get it and sees a kid holding it. The guy pulls some candy he stashed in his pocket out. He tells the child "I'll give you this candy for that candy. They trade and the kid goes home and the guy goes back to business.
The kid goes home, his mom sees the candy and asks "Hey son, where did you get that candy from?" The kid replies "I traded with a guy, but joke's on him: I got all the cream out of his candy."
Stupid, I know, but I just had to get this out. xD
That was not funny at all. Just because a joke is raunchy does not make it funny. Both you and SNL need to learn that.
Quote from: Maretocks on December 12, 2010, 02:51:37 PM*Straight face* Disgusting. :P
So a neutron walks in to and asks for a drink. The bartender gives him one, and the neutron asks, "How much will that be?" And the bartender says, "No charge for you."
...I laughed.
I did too. :)
No need to tell him off. :P
Also, maths joke: Pi: "Get real!" i: "Be rational!"
Wait, who's SNL
...saturday night live... :)
Oooooooooooh.
OH.
Zelda, Link, and a Goron were stranded on a desert island, and they saw the land of Hyrule 25 miles in the distance. Well, Link decided to try to swim back for help. He swam 15 miles, then drowned. Then Zelda gave it a try. She swam 20 miles, then drowned. It was up to the Goron now to get back to Hyrule, so he swam 24 3/4 miles, then said;
"I'm sooooo tired! I guess I better go back!"
Quote from: SlowPokemon on December 12, 2010, 03:10:48 PMThat was not funny at all. Just because a joke is raunchy does not make it funny. Both you and SNL need to learn that.
Calm down, I just felt like sharing. >_>
Quote from: Maretocks on December 12, 2010, 02:51:37 PMSo a neutron walks in to and asks for a drink. The bartender gives him one, and the neutron asks, "How much will that be?" And the bartender says, "No charge for you."
...I laughed.
Educational jokes make us nerds laugh :D
Quote from: winterkid09 on December 12, 2010, 03:18:57 PMOH.
Zelda, Link, and a Goron were stranded on a desert island, and they saw the land of Hyrule 25 miles in the distance. Well, Link decided to try to swim back for help. He swam 15 miles, then drowned. Then Zelda gave it a try. She swam 20 miles, then drowned. It was up to the Goron now to get back to Hyrule, so he swam 24 3/4 miles, then said;
"I'm sooooo tired! I guess I better go back!"
Again, rip off of blonde joke.
I DON'T CARE!!!
It's got an element that A blonde joke couldn't add. That being the freaking goron :p
I guess this is probably a few I've heard that isn't racist
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
(Heisenberg's uncertainty principle for ya)
How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
Quote from: universe-X on December 11, 2010, 09:25:46 PMSo there's a guy and a girl having sex. The guy throws the condom he's using out the window. The girl says "If you wanna keep going, you have to get that condom." So the guy goes to get it and sees a kid holding it. The guy pulls some candy he stashed in his pocket out. He tells the child "I'll give you this candy for that candy. They trade and the kid goes home and the guy goes back to business.
The kid goes home, his mom sees the candy and asks "Hey son, where did you get that candy from?" The kid replies "I traded with a guy, but joke's on him: I got all the cream out of his candy."
What kind of candys have cream on them? I've never seen a candy that has cream on it! I wouldn't eat it though, candy+cream doesn't sound too good.
Quote from: Ruto on December 13, 2010, 10:42:42 AMHow many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
You, my good lady, have just won this thread.
Eh, tone down the jokes universe.
Quote from: Concerto No.20 in D minor on December 13, 2010, 03:12:04 PMEh, tone down the jokes universe.
Okie doke.
Quote from: GaryOak on December 13, 2010, 12:06:48 PMWhat kind of candys have cream on them? I've never seen a candy that has cream on it! I wouldn't eat it though, candy+cream doesn't sound too good.
In them. Almost like that one with coconut shreds in it, etc.
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie! I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".........
Umm, if there's a video of this skit, please send it/post it... Abbott and Costello are some of the most classic comedians you'll ever find.
You know, besides Chaplin.
Oh I wish. i could look though
Here,
http://videosift.com/video/Abbott-and-Costello-Buy-A-Computer
It's a remix..
Quote from: winterkid09 on December 15, 2010, 03:46:38 PMCOSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie! I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".........
I LOLd.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius band? To get to the same side.
*BUMP BECAUSE I'M KINDA DEPRESSED*
Did you hear about the blood vessels in a relationship?
They loved in vein...
^omg why did I laugh so hard
Quote from: SlowPokemon on November 30, 2010, 01:54:57 PMA piece of string goes into a bar and tells the bartender he wants a beer.
The bartender refuses him, stating that he doesn't serve strings.
So the string, determined to be served, leaves the restaurant. He ties himself up, and ruffles his hair till he is unrecognizable. He walks back into the bar and requests a beer.
The bartender studies him for a second and asks suspiciously, "Are you that same piece of string that was just in here?"
The piece of string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
^still my favorite silly joke xD it's stupid how hard I laughed at that when I first heard it.
PFFFTTHAHA
Oh I love Chem jokes!
A man walks into a bar and orders H2O. His friend orders H2O too and dies.
I'd like to think of a good chem joke, but I don't want to make you guys sulfur.
Oh, my science teacher gave me this. Everyone was depressed because we all got it.
A boy looked depressed.
His teacher asked: "What's the matter?"
The boy replied: "Everything"
that
is just
Oh man.
So a byte walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What's wrong?" "Parity error" "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."
A cop stops Heisenberg who's speeding with his car. "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?", the cop asks. Heisenberg replies: "No, but I knew exactly where I was!"
ex and 1 are walking when they see derivative heading towards them. "Oh no!", 1 yells, "That derivative is going to destroy me", to which ex replied: "Don't worry, I'm ex and I'm immune to the derivative!" So ex walks up to the derivative and says "Good afternoon, I'm ex". The derivative replies "Well hello there. I'm the derivative...with respect to y"
Where do felines go to drink?
A kit-kat bar
Quote from: JaMaHa on October 05, 2011, 11:57:09 PMSo a byte walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What's wrong?" "Parity error" "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."
A cop stops Heisenberg who's speeding with his car. "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?", the cop asks. Heisenberg replies: "No, but I knew exactly where I was!"
ex and 1 are walking when they see derivative heading towards them. "Oh no!", 1 yells, "That derivative is going to destroy me", to which ex replied: "Don't worry, I'm ex and I'm immune to the derivative!" So ex walks up to the derivative and says "Good afternoon, I'm ex". The derivative replies "Well hello there. I'm the derivative...with respect to y"
Is it normal that I understood all 3?
Absolutely.
After all, having fun without math is just wrong.
Quote from: JaMaHa on October 05, 2011, 11:57:09 PMSo a byte walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What's wrong?" "Parity error" "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."
A cop stops Heisenberg who's speeding with his car. "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?", the cop asks. Heisenberg replies: "No, but I knew exactly where I was!"
ex and 1 are walking when they see derivative heading towards them. "Oh no!", 1 yells, "That derivative is going to destroy me", to which ex replied: "Don't worry, I'm ex and I'm immune to the derivative!" So ex walks up to the derivative and says "Good afternoon, I'm ex". The derivative replies "Well hello there. I'm the derivative...with respect to y"
I'm glad I get all of these too. The Heisenberg joke is classic! :D
Quote from: Clanker37 on October 05, 2011, 07:58:18 PMOh, my science teacher gave me this. Everyone was depressed because we all got it.
A boy looked depressed.
His teacher asked: "What's the matter?"
The boy replied: "Everything"
...bahahahahaha that's brilliant
OMG I HEARD THAT JOKE ON BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY LIKE 10 YEARS AGO. *nostalgia*
except it was something liek:
Bill: *cryin and all upset*
Narrator: Hey Bill, what's the matter?
Bill: EVERYTHING!
Why is Santa so jolly?
...He knows where all the naughty girls live.
What do we do when scientists die? We Barium! -bad-dum-tssh-
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. *ba-dum TISH*
http://instantrimshot.com/
I would tell you a UDP joke, but I don't know if you would get it.
Hey I know a joke!
A squirrel walks up to a tree and says "I forgot to store acorns for winter and now I am dead." HA! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead! ;D
But I loves the squirrels
Quote from: the_last_sheikah on April 19, 2012, 05:54:29 PMHey I know a joke!
A squirrel walks up to a tree and says "I forgot to store acorns for winter and now I am dead." HA! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead! ;D
I don't get it.
^it's a reference to Up
Two fish are in a tank. One goes, "How do you drive this thing?!"
/rimshot
You didn't finish the joke!
[10:30:39 PM] Brigadier General Nebbles: So two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How do I drive this thing?"
[10:30:57 PM] GeNESis_Fanatic: The other died from a lack of oxygen
Forget if I used this one....
I ain't saying she's a gold digger, but she did move to California in 1849.
Why is Santa so jolly?
...He knows where all the naughty girls live
Quote from: SlowPokemon on April 20, 2012, 05:42:51 AMWhy is Santa so jolly?
...He knows where all the naughty girls live
Quote from: SlowPokemon on October 11, 2011, 02:26:16 PMWhy is Santa so jolly?
...He knows where all the naughty girls live.
You posted the exact same thing a year ago, like five posts above.
An economist, logician, and mathematician are sitting in a train which has just entered Scotland. The three see a brown cow standing outside the window of the train.
The economist says, "Hey, look, the cows in Scotland are brown."
The logician says, "No, actually, there are cows in Scotland, at least one of which is brown."
The mathematician says, "You're both wrong. There's at least one cow in Scotland, at least one side of which is brown."
I lol'd. xD
What do a church service in Helsinki and
Mortal Kombat have in common?
- Finnish Hymn.
Quote from: JaMaHa on April 25, 2012, 04:10:31 AMWhat do a church service in Helsinki and
Mortal Kombat have in common?
- Finnish Hymn.
lol! :P
How many people with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
...
LETS GO RIDE BIKESā¼
How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
(https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.2epix.com%2Fpictures%2Fe1314fc026da60d837353d20aefaf054.jpg&hash=19f65ddbeff542bcacc4c64de3b38fb157e9ffde)
:P yeah that's why grammar is important, even if it's obvious what someone meant either way. Some people might not get it.
Quote from: the_last_sheikah on May 07, 2012, 03:04:53 PM(https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.2epix.com%2Fpictures%2Fe1314fc026da60d837353d20aefaf054.jpg&hash=19f65ddbeff542bcacc4c64de3b38fb157e9ffde)
oh my god that's hilarious
I personally don't really think it's funny because it's happened to me before.
I have the body of an 18 year-old...
I keep it in the fridge.
Two people walk out of a bar. One person says to the other, "Hey, is that the sun or the moon?".
The other person says, "I don't know, I don't live around here."
At my house we use paper plates and every night my wife erases the dishes.
A man from the symphony fell through his harp. He's currently in the hospital in rooms 9, 10, 11, and 12.
A guy was trying to console a friend who had just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his friend. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The guy ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the butt."
How are an elephant and a plum the same?
- They're both purple, except for the elephant.
And a couple cruel musician jokes:
What's the difference between a tuba player and a trampoline?
- You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.
What's the difference between a dead violinist in the middle of the road and a dead frog in the middle of the road?
- The skid marks in front of the frog.
How do you get a trumpet player off your doorstep?
- Pay him for the pizza.
If you dropped a trombone and a saxophone off a 12-story building, which would hit the ground first?
- Who cares?
Quote from: JDMEK5 on May 07, 2012, 04:46:52 PMI have the body of an 18 year-old...
I keep it in the fridge.
Two people walk out of a bar. One person says to the other, "Hey, is that the sun or the moon?".
The other person says, "I don't know, I don't live around here."
At my house we use paper plates and every night my wife erases the dishes.
A man from the symphony fell through his harp. He's currently in the hospital in rooms 9, 10, 11, and 12.
dfsklfhsdklsd the last one
Quote from: Nebbles on May 07, 2012, 07:36:40 PMdfsklfhsdklsd the last one
*extremely confuzzled* ??? Could you elaborate?
(I couldn't find dfsklfhsdklsd in the dictionary :P)
Found a bunch of stuff online while looking for a specific joke. It's like finding $20 in your old shirt pocket :D
1. A math and engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were both math majors and engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her own train ticket. But the Engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. The engineers ignored the laughter.
Then, one of the engineers said, "Here comes the conductor". All of the engineers piled into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the math majors. He went to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, "Tickets Please". An engineer stuck their only ticket under the door. The conductor took the ticket and left. A few minutes later, the engineers emerged from the bathroom. The math majors felt really stupid.
On the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had ONE ticket for their group. They started snickering at the engineers, who had NO tickets amongst them.
When the engineer lookout shouted, "Conductor coming!", all the engineers again piled into a bathroom. All of the math majors went into another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said, "Ticket please."
2. A boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm an engineering major. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."
3. A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.
4. An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
5. A bunch of engineers are sitting around at a party, discussing the nature of the God, and who designed women.
The mechanical engineer states that God must also be a mechanical engineer because "if you look at all the pulleys and levers that drive the body, how the tendons and muscles and bones all work together, well, it's just amazing."
The chemical engineer says that no, God has to be a chemical engineer because "if you look at all the chemical processes that drive the body, how the hormones and the brain and the glands and everything else all interact, well, it's just astounding."
The electrical engineer says that no, God has to be an electrical engineer because "if you look at the circuitry of the body, how the thousands upon millions of nerve cells transmit signals from one part to another, well, it boggles the mind."
The civil engineer speaks up last of all and says, no, God is definitely a civil engineer, because "only a civil engineer would run a sewer through a playground. "
6. An artsie, sick of working at Mickey D's for what had seemed an eternitude decided to get a job working as a labourer at a construction site. Being a usual overconfident artsie, he soon began to brag to the other workers about all sorts of things. One day he decided to brag that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of the wiry engineer on the site. After several minutes, the engineer had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," said the engineer. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, little guy!" the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The engineer reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right: Get in."
7. A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
OFFICER: Remember, anything you say can and will be held against you.
KID: TITS!!!
Cracking up not kidding. Bahahaha
The Dali Lama walks into a pizza shop and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"
Some quotes from the great comedian Steven Wright:
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out." --that one kills me
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I went to a very emotional wedding yesterday.
Even the cake was in tiers.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
A train station is where a train stops. A bus station is where a bus stops. My desk is a workstation.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
What did a 0 say to an 8?
-Nice belt you got there!
Quote from: Zunawe on July 02, 2012, 04:38:50 PMI want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
A train station is where a train stops. A bus station is where a bus stops. My desk is a workstation.
Quote from: SlowPokemon on July 02, 2012, 03:53:34 PMSome quotes from the great comedian Steven Wright:
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
You two people just made my day.
The Mayan calender ends on December 21st, meaning the world's end.
On that day, aliens will come and drop a huge stone tablet on Earth.
Humans ask: "What is this?"
Aliens: The rest of the calender, duh.
What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
What did the drummer get on his SAT?
Drool.
(Sorry to the drummers)
Also, did you know that there's this really easy way to park in the handicapped spots without getting a ticket? Yeah, all you have to do is hang a saxophone in the window.
Two thumbs DOWN.
Quote from: Zunawe on July 12, 2012, 11:47:08 AMWhat do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
What did the drummer get on his SAT?
Drool.
(Sorry to the drummers)
Also, did you know that there's this really easy way to park in the handicapped spots without getting a ticket? Yeah, all you have to do is hang a saxophone in the window.
I take extreme offense! I tied with three other people in my class for 1st in class!
Oh come on. It was supposed to be a friendly band joke. I didn't mean any actual harm, and those instruments could be anything, I just happened to choose those. I'm sorry if it really did seem insulting, because it wasn't supposed to be.
A violist attends a concert one night and is thoroughly impressed. After the concert, he meets with the pianist back stage:
Violist: "I really enjoyed the concert! You were fantastic!"
Pianist: "Thanks, I'm glad you liked it"
V: "I really liked that piece that started with the trills!"
P: "...what do you mean? NONE of them had any trills..."
V: You know, the one that went like this (http://youtu.be/_mVW8tgGY_w)."
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.
Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
Neither did I.
I'm tired of people thinking they can waltz into my room when I'm listening to 4/4.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.
Omg Nebbles I loved the first joke. So much.
Figured you guys would appreciate it!
Nebbles just won the Jokes thread x 100000000000000
It wasn't that funny.
I FORGOT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE AN OPINION.
Anyways, so there was a doughnut who was on an expedition into the desert. But during a sandstorm he became lost from the rest of his party. So he wandered through the desert, growing thirsty and tired. He came to what he believed to be an oasis, but it was a mere illusion. The doughnut broke down after discovering that the oasis was a mirage, but decided to continue on. He was going to get out of the desert, he swore it. After many days of wandering though the desert, he came across what looked like a small village. He was sure it was another mirage, but he had to give it a chance. A few minutes later, he found himself staring at a village comprised of small shacks and mounds of desert clay.
As he stumbled his way through the village, the locals gave him strange looks. For one, he was a doughnut. But his face was badly blistered by the sun, his clothes were torn up. He was essentially a mess. But all he wanted was a glass of cold water. He came across a building which a presumed was the village's local watering hole. So he walked into the bar he sat down on one of the bar stools. After a few minutes, the bartender walked over to the counter eying the strange doughnut suspiciously.
The doughnut asked, "Bartender, could I please get a glass of water?"
To which the bartender replied, "Sorry, but we don't serve food here."
Meh, that one was too much lead-up for such a weak joke.. :-\
That's the point.
XD, love those.
Ganondorf doesn't use the internet because there's too many links.
Do you have any idea how many times that joke have been told in Youtube? A LOT!
I still smiled...
I only saw it once. :(
It doesn't matter. It's funny on the first time. :)
Quote from: Saria on July 17, 2012, 04:25:40 PMGanondorf doesn't use the internet because there's too many links.
[/quote
I've never heard of it before ahahah that's cute
Quote from: Saria on July 17, 2012, 04:25:40 PMGanondorf doesn't use the internet because there's too many links.
Reminds me of a certain thread... *Nudges Dude*
Quote from: Dude on April 27, 2009, 09:09:56 AMLink's not working?
WHO WILL SAVE PRINCESS ZELDA?!?! D: [/really old joke]
:3
lol, first time I hear that.
Quote from: blueflower999 on July 17, 2012, 07:52:04 PMReminds me of a certain thread... *Nudges Dude*
OMG Bahahahahaha! I remember that thread! Best thread ever ilu dude!
Quote from: Olimar12345 on July 18, 2012, 10:56:24 AMOMG Bahahahahaha! I remember that thread! Best thread ever ilu dude!
It was proof that I'll click anything -.-
OH RIGHT.
I REMEMBER THAT THREAD NOW.
Riiiiight. I was confused for a sec at what everyone was talking about...
Person 1: I entered ten puns in a pun contest.
Person 2: How many won?
Person 1: No pun in ten did.
Oh Shado how you make me laugh
^I've heard a much more elaborate version of that joke. I like it better, but it's still smile-worthy in any form.
A man was walking on the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
What did Spock find in the bathroom after the captain used it?
The Captains log!
Bump!
-Did you know that Helen Keller had a treehouse?
-Neither did she.
^lol wut? An odd joke.
Found a book with a whole section on band jokes. By the way, none of these are meant to be offensive. I'm literally copying what's in the book. They're playful and making fun of stereotypes.
A seven-year-old kid says to his dad, "When I grow up, I want to be a band director."
And the dad says, "I'm sorry son, but you can't have it both ways."
How do you know when you have a singer at your front door?
Can't find the key; doesn't know when to come in.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They're really the same size, but violinists have bigger heads.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
How do you get a guitar player to turn down the volume?
Put sheet music in front of him.
The doorbell rang, and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest on the front porch.
"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner." The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner." The man replied, "I know, but your neighbors did."
Quote from: Zunawe on August 31, 2012, 02:33:46 PMWhat do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
How do you get a guitar player to turn down the volume?
Put sheet music in front of him.
*manly tears of laughter*
How do you get a guitar player to turn down the volume?
Put sheet music in front of him.
I loved that one
^That one was the best.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile today, I said, WOW! THAT'S A BIG WORD FOR A SEVEN YEAR OLD!
Quote from: SocialFox on August 31, 2012, 09:59:08 PMMy girlfriend called me a pedophile today, I said, WOW! THAT'S A BIG WORD FOR A SEVEN YEAR OLD!
O.o uh....
How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
The lightbulb contains the seeds of it's own revolution.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to put the clocks in the bathtub.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No.
Prosecutor: Do you know the penalties for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, and they're a hell of a lot better than murder.
Doctor: Sir, how did you break your leg?
Patient: Well, Doctor, it was like this. Twenty-five years ago, I was on the road and it got dark and. . .
Doctor: Never mind that. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.
Patient: Well, twenty-five years ago, i was on the road and it got dark, and I needed a place to stay. There was only this one farmhouse near, so I knocked on the door and the farmer answered. I told him my situation, and he said, "Well, you can stay here, but you'll have to share a room with my beautiful daughter." I said that would be okay, and I went up and crawled into bed. She was already asleep, and asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything was fine. She said, "Are you sure?" I said, "I'm sure." She said, "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" I said, "I reckon not."
Doctor: What does this have to do with your broken leg?
Patient: Well, this morning, it dawned on me what she meant by that, and I fell off the roof.
The town cop was parked outside a bar at midnight, watching for drunk drivers, when he saw a man stumble out the door, trip over the curb, try thirty cars before opening the door to his own, and fall asleep in the front seat. One by one the drivers of the other cars drive off, and finally the guy wakes up, starts his car, and pulls out of the parking lot. The cop pulls him over and gives him a breathalyzer test. The results show a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, and the cop is puzzled. He asks, "How can that be?" The guy says, "Well, tonight was my turn to be the decoy."
-Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and Hilary Clinton are all in a boat together. The boat sinks. Who is saved?
-America.
(sorry to all you democrats)
Quote from: TheZeldaPianist275 on September 03, 2012, 03:59:08 PM-Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and Hilary Clinton are all in a boat together. The boat sinks. Who is saved?
-America.
I feel sorry for you. It must be difficult to have an IQ lower than a wooden pole.
Quote from: Dude on September 03, 2012, 05:11:49 PMI feel sorry for you. It must be difficult to have an IQ lower than a wooden pole.
Thanks Dude.
I hate people on both extremes. If you're on the extreme end of either side, I must assume you're an idiot or extremely narrowminded.
Go independent! Wooo! I generally like liberal stuff, but I like the ideas of the politician I like. This is a jokes thread. Away from clashing political thoughts.
This
Quote from: Dude on September 03, 2012, 05:11:49 PMI feel sorry for you. It must be difficult to have an IQ lower than a wooden pole.
was me joking with you.
You can replace those names with anyone depending on the situation and it could still be funny.
These two guys walk into a bar...
But the third one is a duck.
Quote from: Dude on September 03, 2012, 05:26:54 PMThiswas me joking with you.
lol, I know ;D
Quote from: Mashi on September 03, 2012, 06:32:48 PMThese two guys walk into a bar...
But the third one is a duck.
I actually laughed.
Quote from: Ruto on September 03, 2012, 06:24:43 PMYou can replace those names with anyone depending on the situation and it could still be funny.
Putting theory to the test:
"One Direction, Justin Bieber, and Drake are all in a boat together. The boat sinks. Who is saved?
-America."
...Success!!!
Quote from: Kman96 on September 03, 2012, 07:48:28 PMPutting theory to the test:
"One Direction, Justin Bieber, and Drake are all in a boat together. The boat sinks. Who is saved?
-America."
...Success!!!
OH YES WIN
A man walks into a bar.
He is an Alcoholic and his drinking problem is ruining his family.
Quote from: SocialFox on September 04, 2012, 11:50:32 PMA man walks into a bar.
He is an Alcoholic and his drinking problem is ruining his family.
Yay anti-jokes
It was the end of term and the Year One teacher was receiving gifts from her students. The daughter of the florist brought her a box. The teacher shook it and pondered.
"Hmm," she said, "Is it some flowers?"
"Yes! How did you guess?" The girl asked excitedly.
"I'm just psychic," replied the teacher. Next the son of the chocolate shop brought her a gift. The teacher shook it and pondered.
"Is it some chocolate?" she asked.
"Yes! You're really good miss!" the boy replied.
"Just a lucky guess"
At last the son of the local tavern came with his gift. He was determined not to let the teacher guess what it was and had chosen well. The teacher shook it and pondered.
"Is it some wine?" she asked
"No," replied the boy. The teacher shook it again. At this point the box had sprung a leak.
"Champagne?"
"No" The boy was getting excited. The teacher drank the liquid and pondered some more.
"Is it some sort of spirits?"
"No!" The boy was bouncing with excitement. The teacher drank some more, but looked unsure.
"I give up. What is it?" she asked
"A puppie."
Awww. . . but the puppy. . . it was just a puppy. . .
^Don't worry, it didn't die.
Temporarily lost bladder control, though...
Ooooh. . . I thought the teacher was mistaking the liquid for red wine.
Quote from: Zunawe on September 08, 2012, 12:16:29 PMOoooh. . . I thought the teacher was mistaking the liquid for red wine.
O_o
A man walks into a bar.
He orders drinks and then goes out.
Quote from: Zunawe on September 08, 2012, 12:16:29 PMOoooh. . . I thought the teacher was mistaking the liquid for red wine.
Omggggg me too XDDDDD I visibly cringed originally, now it's slightly less horrifying
Quote from: SocialFox on September 08, 2012, 04:46:08 PMA man walks into a bar.
He orders drinks and then goes out.
Anti-jokes are silly, but you have to balance them out with real jokes.
Wait the puppy didn't die?
Thank goodness.
A puppy isn't going to die from just shaking it around, you people are violent. :o
I was misled because there was no mention of the color. Her first guess was wine, and the general picture for wine is red wine. It went on from there.
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Quote from: Zunawe on September 09, 2012, 11:25:08 AMWhy isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Those aren't jokes, they're hilarious truths XD
Why does CARgo travel by sea but SHIPment travel by land?
Q: What does someone else call will.i.am?
A: you.are.will.
Q: What are three common things that prevent someone from eating a candy bar?
A: Their wallets, their scales, or the wrapper.
My friend said I met her at the vegetarian club, but I've never seen herbivore. /rimshot
Quote from: BlackDragonSlayer on September 12, 2012, 03:50:19 PMQ: What does someone else call will.i.am?
A: you.are.will.
Q: What are three common things that prevent someone from eating a candy bar?
A: Their wallets, their scales, or the wrapper.
Quote from: Nebbles on September 12, 2012, 04:03:25 PMMy friend said I met her at the vegetarian club, but I've never seen herbivore. /rimshot
-__- those were terrible.
You don't know how much I love terrible jokes.
Oh, the puns!
I love a good pun, but a lazy pun is the worst thing in the world.
Some guy posted those papers around the school with strips that you can tear off. You know, like a babysitter ad or something like that. Anyway, they said "Tearable Puns" and each one had a different pun. I love when people do that kind of thing.
What do you call a fire bird that can't fly?
(https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcontent6.flixster.com%2Frtactor%2F40%2F61%2F40616_pro.jpg&hash=554c262777927e88861c3e47cf1e47908533398f)
Joaquin Phoenix [/terriblejoke]
Time for a blonde girl joke!
Why couldn't the blond girl make ice?
Because she forgot the recipe.
my friend sent in ten puns to win, but no pun in ten did.
Quote from: SocialFox on September 24, 2012, 11:07:50 PMmy friend sent in ten puns to win, but no pun in ten did.
Quote from: SlowPokemon on July 18, 2012, 04:30:53 PMPerson 1: I entered ten puns in a pun contest.
Person 2: How many won?
Person 1: No pun in ten did.
Oh Shado how you make me laugh
*facepalm*
didn't see that one
What do they call someone who's married?
Dead meat.
ā-How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
-By telling her to read a basketball.
Quote from: TheZeldaPianist275 on October 30, 2012, 05:16:43 PMā-How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
-By telling her to read a basketball.
...I don't get it...
EDIT: Better joke! :p
-How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
-They moved the furniture.
Quote from: TheZeldaPianist275 on October 30, 2012, 05:16:43 PMā-How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
-By telling her to read a basketball.
Thats horrible XD But Im pretty sure she wouldve realized it was round
Quote from: BlackDragonSlayer on October 30, 2012, 05:18:54 PM...I don't get it...
EDIT: Better joke! :p
-How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
-They moved the furniture.
Quote from: Bubbles7689 on October 30, 2012, 05:26:51 PMThats horrible XD But Im pretty sure she wouldve realized it was round
Don't think Bubbles gets it either.... basketballs have tons of little nubs on them. And what does Braille consist of?
Quote from: TheZeldaPianist275 on October 30, 2012, 07:10:36 PMDon't think Bubbles gets it either.... basketballs have tons of little nubs on them. And what does Braille consist of?
But it's a ball... like Bubbles said...
And I know Braille (I think it would be quite easy to tell that that's not Braille written on the bouncy sphere, even if you're blind and deaf); interesting story behind that, actually...
No I knew that, but most Braille isnt written on spheres
-___- it's a joke, does it HAVE to make perfect sense?
^only if you want it to be funny
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupt- MOOOOOOOOO!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Doctor.
Interrupt- You have cancer.
I think the first one has already been put here, but the second is better after the first. I just found it really random, and kinda funny.
Guess what the orphan child got for Christmas?
CANCER!
HAHAHAHAhahahaha...haha..ha...h... :(
I didn't mean it that way. . .
Quote from: Zunawe on October 31, 2012, 02:54:53 PMI didn't mean it that way. . .
I think we should pretty much have a no cancer-joke policy.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
...He wiped.
Quote from: blueflower999 on October 31, 2012, 03:13:12 PMWhat did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
...He wiped.
Oh that's so disgusting... eruugh...
Quote from: BlackDragonSlayer on October 31, 2012, 03:22:07 PMOh that's so disgusting... eruugh...
Nothing compared to Universe's joke on Page 2 ::)
Quote from: SuperFireKirby on December 12, 2010, 12:56:27 PMTHERE WERE NO LOLZ IN THAT JOKE.
IF I WERE TRAPPED ON AN ISLAND WITH HITLER, BIN LADEN, AND THAT JOKE AND I HAD A GUN WITH ONLY 2 BULLETS, I'D SHOOT THAT JOKE TWICE.
And then I'd have to strangle the others...
Lol it's one of those shock effect things where rather than laugh you might cringe or something.
Clearly NYC doesn't have the Storm Drain ability.
Somehow that made me laugh way more than it should've .___.
Quote from: Roz~ on November 01, 2012, 05:15:49 PMClearly NYC doesn't have the Storm Drain ability.
Somehow that made me laugh way more than it should've .___.
Ha, me too.
Quote from: Bubbles7689 on October 30, 2012, 08:26:00 PMNo I knew that, but most Braille isnt written on spheres
Quote from: SlowPokemon on October 31, 2012, 08:33:17 AM^only if you want it to be funny
You guys... sheesh. Braille doesn't have to be written in a book.
FINE BE THAT WAY AND BE PICKY ABOUT JOKES THAT MAKE SENSE
-What would George Washington do were he alive today?
-Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.
Time for a classic joke!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. During the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up and says:
"Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."
Watson replies: "I see millions and millions of brilliant stars."
"And what do you deduce from that?"
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets, some potentially like Earth; I can observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
After thinking for a moment, Holmet replies: "I think someone has stolen our tent."
That joke was in my English exercise book in 7th grade.
How do you fit five Bulbasaur and two Charizard on a bus?
You poke 'em on.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is using a feather, perverted is using the whole chicken.
I just looked outside to check the patriarchy and apparently it's reigning men.
Q: What do you call a rule63 Chen?
A: Chin.
The president, his wife, and Oprah were riding together on Air Force One. Pres. Obama said, "I could throw $1000 note out the window right now and make someone very happy." So Oprah replied, "Well, I could throw 10 - $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." In response, Michelle said, "I could throw 100 - $10 bills out the window and make 100 people very happy."
The pilot then rolled his eyes, turned to his copilot and said, "Big deal. I could throw all 3 of them off this plane and make 256 million people very happy."
Who is this ZeldaFan person
She was the 39th person to join NSM. She hasn't been active for a long time. Now she returned! =D
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
(Pun...if you don't get it..READ IT OUT LOUD...xD)
A nun is in the shower when she hears the doorbell ring. She's home alone and runs to the door. "Who is it?" she calls anxiously. "The blind man," he answers.
"I'm sorry but I just got out the shower," she says, embarrassed. "I'm still naked."
"It's the blind man," he repeats, laughing. "Just let me in."
Reassured, she does so. He enters, looks her over, and says, "Nice tits, lady. Where do you want the blinds?"
^OH GOD xD what a nightmare...
Quote from: SlowPokemon on January 07, 2013, 06:44:54 AMA nun is in the shower when she hears the doorbell ring. She's home alone and runs to the door. "Who is it?" she calls anxiously. "The blind man," he answers.
"I'm sorry but I just got out the shower," she says, embarrassed. "I'm still naked."
"It's the blind man," he repeats, laughing. "Just let me in."
Reassured, she does so. He enters, looks her over, and says, "Nice tits, lady. Where do you want the blinds?"
I heard a similar version, except with three female soldiers painting an office at an army base (they're told not to get any paint on their uniforms, so they take their clothes off and lock the door).
Quote from: shadowkirby on January 06, 2013, 09:27:28 PMWho is this ZeldaFan person
Technically I've been here a long time... But! I got busy and started livin it up.
Anywho,
What do a woman and a condom have in common?
If they're not on your d*ck, they're in your wallet
Russian joke!
Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev, and Gorbachev are travelling across Siberia to Moscow. Suddenly, halfway along the route, the train stops.
Lenin goes to the cab and lectures the engineer on the wonders of Marxism and the importance of duty. After he is finished, he goes back and sits down with the others.
Afterwards, Stalin goes to the cab and shoots the engineer, who falls to the ground. After he is finished, he goes back and sits down with the others.
Khrushchev says to the others, "Violence is not the only solution; let's give the engineer another chance," and goes to the cab, where he props the body of the engineer at the controls. Then, he goes back to the others.
Brezhnev suggests that they close the curtains and pretend that the train is moving; after doing this, he remarks how quiet the train is.
Finally, Gorbachev climbs out the window, goes on top of the train, and proclaims to the passengers: "Everybody! The train is not moving!"
The passengers are thrilled by his honesty... yet the train, still, is not moving.
Quote from: BlackDragonSlayer on January 07, 2013, 11:35:48 AMI heard a similar version, except with three female soldiers painting an office at an army base (they're told not to get any paint on their uniforms, so they take their clothes off and lock the door).
And then they all die after suffocating on the paint fumes?
Quote from: SuperFireKirby on January 07, 2013, 06:51:21 PMAnd then they all die after suffocating on the paint fumes?
No. :P They didn't start painting yet, I assume (or didn't get very far before the "blind man" interrupts).
But you said they lock the door, which wouldn't provide for very good ventilation of the harmful fumes given off by the paint. Am I over analyzing this? NOWAI.
Quote from: SlowPokemon on January 07, 2013, 06:44:54 AMA nun is in the shower when she hears the doorbell ring. She's home alone and runs to the door. "Who is it?" she calls anxiously. "The blind man," he answers.
"I'm sorry but I just got out the shower," she says, embarrassed. "I'm still naked."
"It's the blind man," he repeats, laughing. "Just let me in."
Reassured, she does so. He enters, looks her over, and says, "Nice tits, lady. Where do you want the blinds?"
BAHAHAHAH! XD I actually got a similar one to that. It goes
I woman was about to hop into a shower until she heard the doorbell ring. Of course she was home alone and runs to the door with a towel wrapped around her. She opens it and says, "how can I help you?"
The man says, "Hello madam, my eyesight is really poor and I am about to go blind. Could you donate some money for me and the other people in the world who are blind?"
Woman: 'I'm sorry but...I'm about to have a shower and have no change." (Trying to make excuses too shoo him away)
The woman shuts the door and goes back upstairs. When she was about to hop into the shower...she hears the doorbell ring again.
She quickly wraps a towel around her and rushes down to the door to meet the same guy again.
The man says, "Hello madam, my eyesight is really poor and I am about to go blind. Could you donate some money for me and the other people in the world who are blind?"
Woman: I'm sorry sir but like a said..I'm about to have a shower and have no change. Sorry again.
She shuts the door behind her and heads back up to her shower.
When she was about to hop into the shower...she hears yet again a doorbell. Without bothering to wrap a TOWEL around her, she walks down the stairs and opens the door to see the man there.
She leans on the side naked and says, 'What is it?'
The man says, 'Hello madam, please congratulate me...I have just got my eyesight back.'
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish" "Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say
A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut !
Why did the computer cross the road?
Because he wanted to go to the other site.
Quote from: wolf on January 15, 2013, 10:07:01 PMWhy did the computer cross the road?
Because he wanted to go to the other site.
I don't get it... Do you mean side because from the word site I only think of a construction site. :|
Quote from: Waddle Bro on January 15, 2013, 10:52:11 PMI don't get it... Do you mean side because from the word site I only think of a construction site. :|
Site as in web site.
Quote from: BlackDragonSlayer on January 15, 2013, 10:59:42 PMSite as in web site.
I know, but how does crossing the road relate to that?
Quote from: Waddle Bro on January 15, 2013, 11:03:49 PMI know, but how does crossing the road relate to that?
It's a freaking joke not rocket surgery.
THERE IS NO SENSE IN THAT JOKE!!!
it's a bad joke because i don't get it
I got one:
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
Because F*ck You, you nosy piece of sh*t.
:(
Quote from: Waddle Bro on January 15, 2013, 11:15:18 PMTHERE IS NO SENSE IN THAT JOKE!!!
it's a bad joke because i don't get it
Computer. Web site.
But crossing the road?
It's a parody of the joke "why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side."
Oh ok.
You've never heard that joke before, Waddle? It's like the definition of cliche. :P
Quote from: blueflower999 on January 16, 2013, 08:38:03 AMYou've never heard that joke before, Waddle? It's like the definition of cliche. :P
That... kind of disturbs me in a way... :P
EDIT: Keyboards... :P
It distrubs me you'd misspell that
I do not hear much English jokes, if you understand.
It took me a while to get it.
It's basically the origin of anti-jokes. It's ironic that so many other real jokes are based on it.
Pascal, Einstein, and Newton decide to play hide and seek. They drew straws to find out who would do the seeking. Einstein ended up with the short straw. So, Pascal runs and hides behind a bush while Einstein is counting to 100. Meanwhile, Newton stands directly in front of him and draws a square with meter-long sides in the ground. He then stands in it and waits for Einstein to finish counting.
Einstein opens his eyes to see Newton and says "I found you, Newton!" To which Newton replies "No you haven't; you've found Pascal."
If you didn't get it: 1 Pa = N/m/m (A Pascal is equal to a Newton over a meter squared.)
What does the suicide bomber instructor say to his class? "Pay attention, I'm only going to do this once."
What do you call a midget fortune teller on the run from the law?
A small medium at large.
I found a joke book on music as well as someone way back on the earlier pages. Same idea here; don't take offence.
Q: What's the difference between a dead frog in the middle of the road and a dead conductor in the middle of the road?
A: The skid marks in front of the frog.
Q: What's the difference between a tuba player and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.
Q: If you're driving down the road, turn a corner and find a conductor and a clarinet player directly in front of you, and can't avoid them both, which do you hit?
A: The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Q: If you were to drop a euphonium and a viola off the empire state building at the same time, which would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?
Q: How do you get a guitarist off your doorstep?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
I should try to find that book again. It had a bunch of hilarious music term definitions..
Haha viola jokes xD poor Michael...
Anyway here's a similar one.
How do you prevent your violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case.
The other versions include saying your violin's a viola in some way.
Come on guys, gay jokes aren't funny
Okay that was terrible
How does a Dalek make soufflƩ?
Eggs, stir, min. 8.ļ»æ
Quote from: FSM-Reapr on April 26, 2013, 04:57:35 PMHow does a Dalek make soufflƩ?
Eggs, stir, min. 8.ļ»æ
SHUT YOUR MOUTH CLARA CAN MAKE AS MANY FUCKING SOUFFLĆS AS SHE WANTS
I am shadowkirby, and I approve of this.
What do you throw a drowning bass player?
Spoiler
His amp.
What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
Spoiler
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
Spoiler
You might bend the nail.
^Agreed. I almost can't stand my bass player.
Quote from: Kman96 on April 26, 2013, 05:17:14 PMSHUT YOUR MOUTH CLARA CAN MAKE AS MANY FUCKING SOUFFLĆS AS SHE WANTS
BUT WHERE DOES SHE GET THE EGGS OR THE MILK?
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Spoiler
Violins don't have spit valves.
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"
The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."
The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
I'm on a roll!!
Quote from: JDMEK5 on April 26, 2013, 07:17:09 PMWhat's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
Spoiler
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
This one hit me XD My dog gets really upset whenever I practice and stares at me panting furiously. Im not sure if its degrading or motivating
Alright, I might have a few jokes up my sleeve.
Two men were sitting at a bar when the 5 o'clock news came on. It showed a man standing on top of the building, ready to commit suicide by jumping off.
"I bet you 5 dollars he jumps," one man says.
"Your on! He won't do it," the other says. The news then shows the man jumping off of the building. "Darn it! Here's your 5 bucks."
"Haha, I can't take your money. I tricked you. I already saw it on the 4 o'clock news," the man replies.
"Well I did too, I just thought he wouldn't be stupid enough to do it again!"
A blind man walks into a bar. There. That's the joke.
Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's mansion? No? Neither has he.
Umm.... I know I've heard a lot of jokes, I just never can remember them when I need to :P
Why did the Freudian chicken cross the road?
It was fixated on the cock on the other side.
Quote from: SuperFireKirby on April 26, 2013, 08:01:29 PMWhy did the Freudian chicken cross the road?
It was fixated on the cock on the other side.
wrong topic
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse, not understanding english, neighs, poops on the floor, and leaves.
Want to hear a joke?
My wage.
Quote from: Clanker37 on May 13, 2013, 01:50:43 AMWant to hear a joke?
My wage.
I can think of something better...
My savings account
student loan
get it
it's so ridiculously high
Quote from: FSM-Reapr on May 13, 2013, 05:08:41 AMstudent loan
get it
it's so ridiculously high
While we are at high numbers...
How about Americas debt... now thats funny :/
This was a comment on Jezebel! XD
Dan and Stan were sitting on a bench, wondering what to do. They only had $5 between them and they wanted to do something fun. Five dollars wasn't enough to go to the movies, get drinks at a bar, eat a nice meal or anything they liked to do.
Exasperated, Stan says "just give me the $5, I'll go in that Rite-Aid and find something. Just trust me, I'll figure something out." Dan gives him the five and waits outside.
A few minutes later, Stan emerges with a huge smile on his face. "Dan! I found the perfect thing! It's so awesome, you're never going to believe it!"
"OK...what did you get?" Stan proudly holds out a box of tampons. Dan says "What the hell did you get those for?!"
Stan says "Dude, read the side of the box. With these, we can go swimming, we can go horseback riding, we can play tennis...."
Why was the lawyer crying?
Because he had a frog stapled to his face.
^Or you're Phoenix Wright.
(https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1089.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fi360%2Fslowpokemon%2F1051BDC0-F9BE-494D-AEE8-93A960A6F3A7-93773-00000A394AF0C2C5_zps054dcb4f.jpg&hash=b31554e96df91a150261feb63bedf4830338efb7)
I like mine better
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
What did the leper say to the hooker?
"Keep the tip"
How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three: one to change the lightbulb, and two to make a more efficient design.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: one to change it, and the other to criticize every action the other one does.
What do you call a piano that fell down a mine?
A minor.
Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
Spoiler
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
Sorry for bump, but
A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.
laaaame
That's what we call an "anti-joke".
Here's a good joke
My life
A-ha!
The jokes is that your "life" isn't mine.
Two men stand in long line for bread. One man die from hunger and cold. Man behind him take his place.
Is funny because no potato.
No potato is not funny. Potato is life. When we are going to harvest, in your mind and in your heart, you feel you are going to export the potatoes and you are not going to see them anymore.
That hurts.
not punny
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
NONE.
Quote from: SuperFireKirby on December 10, 2014, 10:52:00 PMHow many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
ONE ROTTEN ONE.
fixed
My school has placed some weird chemistry/maths/physics jokes on the chemistry/maths/physics classrooms, so I'm gonna copy some of them, just because.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one says: "I'll order one beer, please."
The second one says: "I'll have a half."
The third one says: "I'd like a quarter."
The fourth: "I'll take an eighth"
The bartender says: "You are all idiots" and pours 2 beers.
::)
Ah math jokes. No other type of joke is quite as groanworthy
My *very* Russian calc teacher when showing this photo:
(https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft0.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AANd9GcQqrID3aV-uPXIOg79L5A7xzzY4UAfXb1Z0oe5u2m7rzsTo94z6&hash=ea7bcd2f6d0ed71fc507d5da1a872cc87c33fa94)
"In Soviet Russia, you don't choose your rulers. You make them with what you have."
Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on December 11, 2014, 04:58:03 AMfixed
I'm guessing you've never heard of the Potato Famine then?
Quote from: SuperFireKirby on December 11, 2014, 09:35:51 AMI'm guessing you've never heard of the Potato Famine then?
The one where all the potatoes got attacked by a protist and got poisoned?
I mean sure I guess your way works too but maybe I'm remembering 7th grade bio wrong?
People died from starvation, not eating the fucking potatoes.
Quote from: SuperFireKirby on December 10, 2014, 10:52:00 PMHow many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
EIGHTY-SEVEN*
*eighty-six if you throw hard enough
fixed
Quote from: Bloop on December 11, 2014, 07:29:48 AMMy school has placed some weird chemistry/maths/physics jokes on the chemistry/maths/physics classrooms, so I'm gonna copy some of them, just because.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one says: "I'll order one beer, please."
The second one says: "I'll have a half."
The third one says: "I'd like a quarter."
The fourth: "I'll take an eighth"
The bartender says: "You are all idiots" and pours 2 beers.
I thought the bartender's line was "you guys ought to know your limits"
Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on December 11, 2014, 10:03:24 AMThe one where all the potatoes got attacked by a protist and got poisoned?
I mean sure I guess your way works too but maybe I'm remembering 7th grade bio wrong?
Quote from: SuperFireKirby on December 11, 2014, 10:19:22 AMPeople died from starvation, not eating the fucking potatoes.
Quote from: Mashi on December 11, 2014, 01:21:14 PMfixed
Honestly, I love the original joke, but everything about this discussion is just so much funnier
Some Monty Python-esque humor.
Quote from: Jub3r7 on December 10, 2014, 08:28:19 PMNo potato is not funny. Potato is life. When we are going to harvest, in your mind and in your heart, you feel you are going to export the potatoes and you are not going to see them anymore.
That hurts.
I guess you guys could use some context
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiqqC_fbP1c
Post jokes here! Make people laugh!
(countdown until next thread: 1 month)
http://forum.ninsheetmusic.org/index.php?topic=2856.msg80492#msg80492 (http://forum.ninsheetmusic.org/index.php?topic=2856.msg80492#msg80492)
[previous redundant topic was merged]
(https://sp.yimg.com/ib/th?id=HN.607988110515896597&pid=15.1&P=0)
Memes ā jokes
Want to hear a joke?
Windows 8
Wanna know what's funnier than windows 8?
Windows 9
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BmWy0rJCQAApzvz.jpg:large)
what windows 9
Because it doesn't exist?
Quote from: Maelstrom on February 08, 2015, 05:07:33 PMBecause it doesn't exist?
No, because Dude has no sense of humor.
Quote from: Maelstrom on February 08, 2015, 05:07:33 PMBecause it doesn't exist?
it exists. The problem is 7 8 it
It was a play on this you twits:
Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on February 08, 2015, 05:09:08 PMit exists. The problem is 7 8 it
That's really funny. Really funny.
On 2/8/2015, at 8:32 PM, (Dude) wrote:
> Why was six afraid of seven
On 2/8/2015, at 8:33 PM, (Dude) wrote:
> Because seven was a registered six offender.
To be honest. You could've looked that up yourself, too.
True. Sorry.
Quote from: Dude on February 08, 2015, 05:36:05 PMOn 2/8/2015, at 8:32 PM, (Dude) wrote:
> Why was six afraid of seven
On 2/8/2015, at 8:33 PM, (Dude) wrote:
> Because seven was a registered six offender.
I've heard that one before D:
Quote from: Dude on February 08, 2015, 05:06:37 PMWanna know what's funnier than windows 8?
Windows 9
I got the joke :D
How do you turn a violin player into a viola player?
Make them sit in the back and not play.
hah
My mom's a violin player and loves viola jokes XD
Quote from: Dudeman on February 08, 2015, 07:39:47 PMHow do you turn a violin player into a viola player?
Make them sit in the back and not play.
Hey, I give everyone a meaningful part. Nobody is just "sitting in the back".
Except the euphonium of course.
I have yet to find a need for the euphonium.
Seriously though, Windows 10 is coming out XD
Google it :P
Quote from: mariolegofan on February 08, 2015, 09:41:50 PMSeriously though, Windows 10 is coming out XD
Google it :P
Oh my...
There once was a woman who had 100 children....
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Forty-Three. Forty-Three went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "Milkshake" so the name could be used in conversation. One day Milkshake ran away. They never saw Milkshake again. No one else knew about Milkshake. No one even knew a dog named Milkshake existed.
Only Forty-Three's kids will remember Milkshake.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
wat even
did that dog bring all the boys to the yard?
I heard that joke before, except with "Ninety" and "That" instead of "Forty-Three" and "Milkshake."
i think i like this version better
Quote from: Bloop on March 02, 2015, 12:56:10 AMwat even
did that dog bring all the boys to the yard?
I was thinking the same thing.
I don't get the joke. Where was the punch line?
Rated 16+
A drunk farmer carries a sheep up to his bedroom where his wife is. "This is the ugly pig I've been having sex with," he says. "You idiot," his wife responds, "that's a sheep not a pig!" The farmer says, "Shut up. I was talking to the sheep."
._.
ak ak ak i saw that coming
oi how is that 16+ i'm 15 and that's not half as gross as some other things i've read on the internet
literally the funniest part of that joke was the age rating
Quote from: Saria on March 07, 2015, 05:48:11 PMoi how is that 16+ i'm 15 and that's not half as gross as some other things i've read on the internet
Quote from: Waddle Bro on March 07, 2015, 06:15:11 PMliterally the funniest part of that joke was the age rating
^This.
I never claimed it was a good joke.
lol
i Decided against starting a new topic! I'll just unload all my puns and jokes here on this thread instead! They'll be sure To tickle your funny bones!
Why Did the ghost ride the elevator?
Spoiler
to lift their spirits!!
Don't forget there's always this thread (http://forum.ninsheetmusic.org/index.php?topic=7601.0) to post the kind of jokes that make you go "Har Har Har... >_>"
you probably got all the jokes from sans
for real though if I hear another terrible bone pun I'm gonna lose it
Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on December 26, 2015, 09:07:18 PMyou probably got all the jokes from sans
for real though if I hear another terrible bone pun I'm gonna lose it
Some of them... but i actually have a lot of my own as well! Bone puns don't stay
Humerus funny for long.
Caught myself there!
Friend: I stood up looking for a pencil and when I sat down it stabbed me in the ass-I'm so mad
Me: I guess one could say you're...butthurt
There aren't any more good chemistry jokes... They all Argon.
Quote from: Nebbles on October 11, 2011, 02:28:11 PMWhat do we do when scientists die? We Barium! -bad-dum-tssh-
Did you know you can be at absolute zero and be 0K?
Also, if you get cut in half, it's possible to still be all right.
Quote from: Zunawe on December 30, 2015, 06:56:59 PMAlso, if you get cut in half, it's possible to still be all right.
we should have left it at the kelvin joke
Guess that is what we should half done
At least there aren't any Uranium jokes yet... those things make me want to half my life.
HEY YOU GUYS WANNA HEAR A JOKE ABOUT POTASSIUM??!!
No? You don't?
K. It's fine.
over here bud (http://forum.ninsheetmusic.org/index.php?topic=7601.0)
It's me.
I'm the joke.
Quote from: Jub3r7 on January 01, 2016, 11:46:02 PMIt's me.
I'm the joke.
Gather round all you clowns, let me here you say...
Quote from: Dude on December 31, 2015, 10:14:28 AMover here bud (http://forum.ninsheetmusic.org/index.php?topic=7601.0)
Dude wins the thread.
Dude and Jub win first place together
Q. What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A. There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because
the violinist's head is so much bigger.
Quote from: JDMEK5 on January 12, 2016, 09:42:59 AMQ. What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A. There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because
the violinist's head is so much bigger.
You drove me to this. (http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/viola.html)
Quote from: Dudeman on January 12, 2016, 09:59:47 AMYou drove me to this. (http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/viola.html)
those are mostly just dead baby jokes but replaced with the word "viola"
A pianist and singer are rehearsing "Autumn Leaves" for a concert and the pianist says:
"OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third bar, modulate to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor."
The singer says: "Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."
The pianist says: "Well, that's what you did last time."
singer jokes are the best omg
Unlike the singers themselves.
(https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Feuge.ca%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2014%2F07%2FInterdisciplinary-Relations.png&hash=3bffd517156bc14bbe11b2a0c028b564b0a217aa)
Lol all of those are accurate except the one about pianists speaking to other pianists, unless they're at a pre-college or non-advanced level (in my experience, anyway).
one of my rep was literally because we studied it in music history lol
Since I'm too lazy to figure out if this joke has been told yet or not, I apologize if it is already on here:
A man was walking through a graveyard late at night. Suddenly, he heard Beethoven's 9th, being played in reverse. Once it had finished, there was a few minutes of silence. Then, Beethoven's 8th. Then 7th. Etc. Etc. Etc. The man, obviously scared past his wits, calls his church's pastor, and asks what's going on. The preacher replies: "Oh, that's just Beethoven decomposing!"
I've heard a variation on that where some researchers dig up Beethoven's coffin to see if anything secret was buried with him, only to find him furiously erasing manuscript upon manuscript of his own music. When asked what he was doing, he simply replied, "I'm decomposing."
Imo, that version is better than what I've heard.
The version I know is that a tour of a famous historical music hall comes across a dead man at a piano. The tourists are asked to be quiet because the maestro was decomposing.
Is it just me, or is it easy to turn dead baby jokes into viola jokes?
It's just you.
Did you hear the joke about a mute guy?
Me neither.
Quote from: Dude on January 25, 2016, 04:39:23 PMDid you hear the joke about a mute guy?
Me neither.
no but i did read it on the internet (from a really cool dude)
Quote from: Nebbles on April 19, 2012, 01:50:02 PMYou guys will love this joke.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Sympahony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Quote from: braixen1264 on January 24, 2016, 07:09:45 PMIt's just you.
Really? Ok. It just seems so easy. For example:
Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
A: Depends on how hard you throw them.
Q: How many violas does it take to paint a wall?
A: Depends on how hard you throw them.
Sarcasm. Learn to interpret it.
Quote from: Dudeman on January 29, 2016, 06:58:57 PMSarcasm. Learn to interpret it.
Tone. Learn to interpret it.
Oh wait, you can't, because internet. Same with sarcasm.
Well, you can generally get a good sense for the intended tone or the potential sarcasm by taking a look at the context surrounding the post in question. In this case, pretty much everyone knows that viola jokes are interchangeable with dead baby jokes, so saying that "it's just you" would be a sarcastic comment.
It only becomes problematic when the post has no context surrounding it or the person posting doesn't have a known history of being sarcastic.
me for example: I'm never sarcastic so it continues to take people by surprise
Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on January 30, 2016, 04:51:25 PMme for example: I'm never sarcastic so it continues to take people by surprise
Quote from: Dudeman on January 29, 2016, 06:58:57 PMSarcasm. Learn to interpret it.
Ok thats a good example
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4h629u/what_joke_is_hilarious_but_takes_a_few_seconds_to/d2nz8q9
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4h629u/what_joke_is_hilarious_but_takes_a_few_seconds_to/d2nvcop
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4h629u/what_joke_is_hilarious_but_takes_a_few_seconds_to/d2o0b7o
And my favorite of the night... (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4h629u/what_joke_is_hilarious_but_takes_a_few_seconds_to/d2o6to8)
Quote from: BlackDragonSlayer on May 01, 2016, 07:42:32 AMhttps://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4h629u/what_joke_is_hilarious_but_takes_a_few_seconds_to/d2nz8q9
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4h629u/what_joke_is_hilarious_but_takes_a_few_seconds_to/d2nvcop
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4h629u/what_joke_is_hilarious_but_takes_a_few_seconds_to/d2o0b7o
And my favorite of the night... (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4h629u/what_joke_is_hilarious_but_takes_a_few_seconds_to/d2o6to8)
That last one is hilarious, I died.
"I prefer being the dominant."
"Oh, that's neat. Personally, I prefer the submediant and tonic."
Yes, I had to bump this topic just so I could post a stupid joke.
Ah, me likes musical jokes.
Mighty No. 9
HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
rip
Once, Neil Degrasse Tyson was theorizing about alternate realities and shit
He figured with infinite possibilities there was one where every human had green skin-
it made sense to him, since Degrasse is greener on the other side!
I acknowledge this is horrible
What is dark humor, you ask?
Well, dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.
Me.
I thought that was pretty tame.
I couldn't think of where else to put this but I couldn't not post it
What would Maelstrom be named if he was a girl
Spoiler
femaelstrom
That was bad and you should feel bad
A dog was walking in the park with its owner at night. Soon into the walk, it saw another dog. What did the dog say to the other dog?
Spoiler
Woof
Genius, Braix. That's exactly my kind of joke XD
I'm proud of this one (which I guess says a lot about me)
My friend asked me if I'd get a chest tattoo.
Spoiler
I ab-stained
Ba-dum tish!
That was so bad it was good.
What was Bin Laden's favorite drink?
A double Manhattan.
Speaking of Bin Laden, I saw this on YouTube today:
Spoiler
(https://s24.postimg.org/ftgwabr6t/rogers.png)
Why was Tchaikovsky ahead of his time?
Spoiler
Because he was Russian the tempo!
Can this PLEASE not be the bad pun topic.
What were you expecting?
Puns are pretty much the best jokes I have. Although, I wish I could make jokes about key signatures, but every time I try they're either sharp or flat. They just don't come to me naturally.
...how can a joke be sharp? ...or flat?
I guess you could say his joke was pretty...
Montana B)
...what
this thread is entitled jokes
here's a joke
tobbeh's posts
What did Susie say to her father when he almost ran a red light?
Halt, man!
Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her Head & Shoulders on the dashboard.
My brain is stuck in this loop of acknowledging the intelligence behind this pun and then immediately condemning it for being so dark and then immediately acknowledging the intelligence behind this pun and then etc.
What did one person say to the other person?
Spoiler
Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on February 15, 2017, 04:36:51 PMI guess you could say his joke was pretty...
Montana B)
i burst out laughing for no reason other than it made 0 sense.
What can be said about a person that earns $75 a day?
Spoiler
They make 0 sense.
Dude's comment reminded me of the joke :P
how do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Spoiler
you look for fresh prince
Look for fresh prints.
Woah spoilers!
Quote from: Zunawe on February 16, 2017, 12:40:13 PMLook for fresh prints.
I can't tell if your being sarcastic or if you don't understand the joke.
Quote from: ThatHiddenCharacter on February 16, 2017, 12:49:55 PMI can't tell if your being sarcastic or if you don't understand the joke.
Honestly, I didn't get it at first, either.
that's the best joke in this thread
Quote from: ThatHiddenCharacter on February 16, 2017, 12:49:55 PMI can't tell if your being sarcastic or if you don't understand the joke.
It's much more fun to let you guys figure out why the punchline is funny than it is to point it out. Subtleties.
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?
It wasn't born yesterday.
HOLY SHIT LMAO
Eesh! That's brilliant ;)
So, a guy asks a librarian for a book on suicide. They reply and say "fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
How are Elmo's voice and Snoop Dogg alike?
Always high.
I'm feeling puntastic right now. Puns are so backwards. The worse they are, the funnier they are. It's a punny world we live in. Here's one in Spanish: Uno. Sometimes even oxymorons (an instance where a word is used to describe it's opposite) are puns. For example: Jumbo shrimp or hot chili. When I was younger, I had this animal pun book. It was otter nonsense (that is both a pun and the name of the book). The puns were done oxidentally on porpoise. I feel like this should involve something about current events, but no gnus is good gnus (a wildebeest-like mammal). I'm sorry, that was the last straw. You can have mine, I'm done with my drink. Sorry, I'm beginning to be like an apple product. I'm becoming Siritating. I'm on a roll. It hurt when I hit the wall, though.
/me readies banhammer
Quote from: SlowPokemon on November 30, 2010, 04:26:33 AMPost 'em here--good ones, bad ones, cheesy ones, whatever.
/me Readies Comeback
Puns are allowed.
Puns will never die!
For something to be a pun, it has to be clever
According to Google (and my English class), a pun is "a joke exploiting the different possible meanings of a word or the fact that there are words that sound alike but have different meanings." It says nothing about being clever.
Mashing words together does not a pun make
*ThatHiddenCharacter does not own the rights to any previously mentioned puns. All puns were supplied by ThatHiddenCharacter's memory of other sources. Any puns deemed horrible were created by someone other than ThatHiddenCharacter.*
In that case they were fantastic puns, full marks
Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on March 08, 2017, 04:42:48 PMIn that case they were fantastic puns, full marks
I can see someone's a bit ThatHiddenCharacterist.
Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on March 08, 2017, 04:29:31 PMFor something to be a pun, it has to be clever
Nice reference
What was teenage Charles Darwin's favourite clothing store?
Abercrombie & Finch
Quote from: E. Gadd Industries on March 28, 2017, 06:11:50 PMWhat was teenage Charles Darwin's favourite clothing store?
Abercrombie & Finch
Survival of the Horowitztest.
Quote from: ThatHiddenCharacter on March 28, 2017, 06:33:01 PMSurvival of the Horowitztest.
Sssssswing-and-a-miss, ladies and gentlemen.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Nail a piece of toast to the ceiling.
Just kidding, they don't eat. Ever had Ethiopian food? No? Yeah, neither have they..
I think PDS has just given up at this point
Quote from: Dudeman on March 28, 2017, 09:25:05 PMI think PDS has just given up at this point
Ha actually you aren't far off. My sense of humor got dark when I got depressed a while back and has stuck with me since.
Speaking of...
"Wow honey, I never thought our son would go that far!"
"I know, the catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
"Dark"
Sure
Dark-er. Happy?
Or we can have a dark humor contest
See like...there's a difference between black humor and just being edgy to get a shocked or upset reaction... your jokes about Ethiopia fall into the latter category because they aren't funny and make fun of too gross and horrible a subject
I though Ethiopia jokes were stereotypical standard dark humor jokes, like "your mom" jokes are for idk humor
Cuss humor?
ethiopian jokes are dumb. Even ethiopians have heard of them.
When my scout troop goes camping we bring a bunch of faggots to throw on the fire
Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on March 29, 2017, 04:44:32 PMWhen my scout troop goes camping we bring a bunch of faggots to throw on the fire
Dark wordplay. Rather interesting.
The more I read that joke the more confused I get. Someone halp plz?
Quote from: Dudeman on March 29, 2017, 05:58:24 PMThe more I read that joke the more confused I get. Someone halp plz?
It's a play on the word "faggot", meaning both a bundle of sticks & a derogatory term for homosexuals.
...that being said, it still wasn't a great joke...
Ohhhhh, I knew the latter but not the former. Yeah, that was...interesting...
Not really amusing tho, imho
I know I'm being overly sensitive but I absolutely hate the word faggot, no matter what context it's in. I can't imagine a joke that uses that word that I would find funny
It's almost like if you get it it's not funny and if you don't get it you're just kinda Dudeman
My phone doesn't auto correct yu to you. .
If it's not supposed to be funny, why is it in the jokes topic??
The point I'm trying to make I guess is that the Ethiopian joke isn't dark humor any more. Stuff that people actively don't talk about is a better target for it
Quote from: SlowPokemon on March 29, 2017, 08:22:41 AMSee like...there's a difference between black humor and just being edgy to get a shocked or upset reaction... your jokes about Ethiopia fall into the latter category because they aren't funny and make fun of too gross and horrible a subject
What constitutes something not being funny or being "too horrible a subject" to joke about?
nah for the most part dark humor just isn't funny, not because it's so terrible that people can't find it humorous, it's that the dark humor jokes rely on the uncomfortable topic to elicit the reactions. As a result they just aren't that funny for uptight people who can't laugh at serious things and for people who only laugh at actually funny things
"Dark" humor is in about the same tier as dank memes and ****posts. It's just for *teh lolz*
Why isn't Adam black? Because he gave away his ribs.
Also here to signify my alliance with the "has given up" squad.
There's a math textbook author testifying in court. He talks at length, detailing everything he witnessed. He then goes slightly farther, accusing the defendant of almost everything under the sun. The attorney frowns as he's cross-examining him, and asks him if he had any evidence.
The author smiles and replies, "The proof is trivial and is left as an exercise."
I would just like to point out the show CN show flapjack which is almost entirely "dark" humor, i.e. Making fun of subjects that are normally serious (such as the plague). Obviously, this does not always work out for all audiences depending on the subject, and how the joke is delivered or the number of butthurt individuals that can't take any relatively good joke.
What do you call a kid with no legs? Grounded.
Quote from: InsigTurtle on March 30, 2017, 06:55:27 PMThere's a math textbook author testifying in court. He talks at length, detailing everything he witnessed. He then goes slightly farther, accusing the defendant of almost everything under the sun. The attorney frowns as he's cross-examining him, and asks him if he had any evidence.
The author smiles and replies, "The proof is trivial and is left as an exercise."
TOO REAL INSIG. TOO REAL.
My Mega Man robot master OC is Procrastination Man.
He hasn't been built yet.
My Mega Man robot master OC is Forgetful Man.
I forgot where I put the schematics.
So I went to the library to check out a book about suicide, but the librarian wouldn't let me.
"Fuck off," she said. "You won't bring it back!"
My mega man oc is mega man
He's original
Because today is Easter:
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law, were all going on vacation in Israel. The mother-in-law randomly dies. The man has to take her to an undertaker. The undertaker says "You have two options: I can ship her back to be buried in the US for $5,000, or I can have her buried here in Israel for $150. What do you think?"
The man thinks for a moment, then says "I'd like her shipped back to the US."
The undertaker is surprised, and asks "but why? You could bury her here for only $150!"
The man replies "I know. But many years ago, a man was buried in Israel. Three days later, he rose from the dead. I'm not taking that chance!"
I wonder how many people aren't going to get the joke. It took 10 seconds before it hit me.
That's pretty good
Ninjad by thc doing thc things
Quote from: SpartanChief17 on April 16, 2017, 06:37:02 PMThe man has to take her to an undertaker.
I thought that read, "The man has to take her underwear." and I was very confused.
Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on April 16, 2017, 06:39:35 PMThat's pretty good
Ninjad by thc doing thc things
#justthcthings
Do you guys want to see the newest Star Wars spoiler?
Spoiler
Star Wars
A woman walks into a veterinarian's office with a limp duck. She says to him, "Doctor, my duck hasn't moved in days. Could you figure out what's wrong with him?" The vet pulls out his stethoscope and holds it to the duck's heart, and says to the woman, "I am afraid your duck is dead, ma'am."
"How can you be so sure?!" she protested, welling up with tears. "Can you at least check to see that he's not comatose??" Hesitant at first, the vet agrees.
First, he comes into the room with a Yellow Labrador Retriever. The dog jumps up onto the counter, sniffs various parts of the duck, and whines. The vet pats the dog on the head and heads out the door with him.
He then comes into the room with a Tabby. The cat jumps up onto the counter, rubs her cheek on the duck's feathers, and meows. The vet pats the cat on the head and heads on the door with her.
Finally, the vet returns, tells the woman her duck is dead, and hands her a bill. The total: $150.00. Flabbergasted, the woman cries out, "150 dollars? Just to tell me that my duck is dead?"
The vet replies, "Well, if you just took my word for it the first time, the total would have been 20 dollars. But after the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, the total is now 150 dollars."
This thread.
@Levi your joke is more of an honest reflection on the US healthcare system tbh
Quote from: LeviR.star on October 20, 2017, 08:03:18 AMA woman walks into a veterinarian's office with a limp duck.
I misread this sentence
Same XD why would a woman walk into a vegetarian's office with a limp duck?
Quote from: E. Gadd Industries on October 20, 2017, 03:37:39 PMSame XD why would a woman walk into a vegetarian's office with a limp duck?
pure boy
2 guys are going to the bar the 1st guys bumps his head on it and the other guy ducks! ;D
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor? ;D
tractor? i hardly know her
for all of you who might groan at that joke, please don't be one of its...detractors
I groaned does this make me a detractor? :D
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Presidency_of_Donald_Trump
I don't appreciate that.
I do
Hahahahaha, nice!
I asked Jimmy John's to write a joke on the bag for delivery. They just wrote "Subway".
I see they have a good sense of humor (but Firehouse is the best sub place, impo)
Subways the best in my opinion (although I can't say that because I have not ever gone to firehouse subs.)
Subway? Firehouse?
Nah, you people are totally missing out on obscure local eatery near where I live with above average submarine sandwiches.
Quote from: Splatoon Inkling on July 19, 2018, 01:34:10 PM(although I can't say that because I have not ever gone to firehouse subs.)
Same case for me. I think there's one 2 hours away, but I've never eaten there.
Quote from: Static on July 19, 2018, 03:08:08 PMSubway? Firehouse?
Nah, you people are totally missing out on obscure local eatery near where I live with above average submarine sandwiches.
Probably the best post on this website
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
Ones a little heavy and the other one is a little lighter! ;D
Quote from: E. Gadd Industries on July 19, 2018, 12:12:58 PMI see they have a good sense of humor (but Firehouse is the best sub place, impo)
The furry community is also a good place to find subs
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/97069b/why_was_the_antivaxxers_3_year_old_crying/
Quote from: Jub3r7 on July 31, 2018, 06:56:15 PMThe furry community is also a good place to find subs
I feel youre obligated to attend funeral since you're responsible for my death.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts to do it!
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/9pwmjg/why_was_yoda_afraid_of_7/
this one is pretty bad
idk why i'm even posting it
Groan.... actually I am a star wars fan.
That Reddit immediately devolved into people quoting gamegrumps which doesn't do much for my general opinion of the star wars fanbase
are you just saying you don't like the fanbase
or are you implying you're too good for star wars
Two things can be true
I'm saying I don't like gamegrumps
Edit: I'd be remiss to ignore slows one-liner
Plus 1 to slow
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were Prime mates.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?
A pastor was walking around a neighborhood knocking on peoples doors and handing out church cards.
He can to this one house and knocked. No one answered...
He knocked again. No one answered...
The pastor took out a church card and wrote:
Quote from: CardRevelation 3:20
Which, in the Bible, reads:
Quote from: BibleBehold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.
So he slipped it in the crack between the door and the doorframe and left.
The next Sunday the pastor was counting the offerings and saw the same card he had put in that mans door.
This was written on the back:
Quote from: CardGenesis 3:10
Which, in the Bible, reads:
Quote from: MeI dare you to go look up Genesis 3:10 yourself.
I chuckled a bit.
My boss told this in church Sunday. He also told us to look up the punchline ourselves. It was funny watching people try to keep quiet and not laugh out loud as they looked it up during church.
That's actually pretty funny! Wait, you have a boss?
Quote from: Splatoon Inkling on February 26, 2019, 04:30:31 PMThat's actually pretty funny! Wait, you have a boss?
Yes, he's an entrepreneur/mechanic.
Tonight's sermon - "What is hell?"; Come early and listen to our choir practice.
(https://i.imgur.com/k0r6cIA.jpg)
I understood all four.
That's actually pretty funny! I actually do a logic class in my home school group.
https://pastors.com/44-funny-church-bulletin-bloopers-to-make-you-smile/ ROTFL!
2019? Wow. Anyway, I came here to post an updated version of the Russian train joke (so I can bookmark it for future reference tbh), which is probably my favorite joke of all time.
Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev, and Gorbachev are traveling by train across the Soviet Union, from Siberia to Moscow. Suddenly, halfway along the route, the train stops dead in its tracks.
"Let me go and see what the problem is," Lenin assures the others. So Lenin goes to the cab and lectures the engineer on the wonders of Marxism and the importance of duty to one's country. After he is finished, he goes back and sits down with the others.
Still, the train is not moving.
"I will handle this," Stalin announces suddenly. He goes to the cab and shoots the engineer, who falls to the ground. After he is finished, he goes back and sits down with the others.
Still, the train is not moving.
Khrushchev says to the others, "Violence is not the only solution; let's give the engineer another chance," and goes to the cab, where he props the body of the engineer at the controls. Then, he goes back to the others.
Still, the train is not moving.
Brezhnev suggests that they close the curtains and pretend that the train is moving; after doing this, he remarks how quiet the train is.
Still, the train is not moving.
Finally, fed up with the others, Gorbachev climbs out the window, goes on top of the train, and proclaims to the passengers: "Everybody! The train is not moving!" The passengers are thrilled by his honesty.
However, the train, still, is not moving.
When is a bus not a bus?
When it turns into a parking lot.
Why were the pirate's parents so disappointed with his report card?
Because of the seven Cs.
What do you call it when you eat filets on an airplane?
High steaks.