"Seaside Vacation" - [PS4] 13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim"Jawbreaker" - [PC] OMORI
msf jumpscare
Jawbreaker
j a z z
jazzbreaker
-m7: Maybe you could leave out the R.H. G on beat 2 for easier playability? Also, maybe instead of a triad in beat 3.5, you could make this a single note Eb in a separate layer, so the player can hold the melody C in beat 3. The piano hit in the original is a bit subtler compared to the melody too.
-m8: I hear G and D in the R.H. in beat 2.5
-m14: The melody plays something slightly different from beat 2 on
-m16: The R.H. here is hard to play at speed, maybe you could prioritise one melody or arrange it a bit different? You could move the top part down an octave, or just include a few notes of that melody.
-m22: There's a (very) quick grace note F# before the G in beat 1 in the accordeon
-m25: The grace note before beat 4.5 sounds like it's a D
-m32: I think I only hear F and F# in (swung) 8ths in beat 2 in the R.H.
-m35: I don't hear the C in the L.H. on beat 3.5
-m40: I think the bass plays a G on beat 2.5 instead of an F#?
"Seaside Vacation" - [PS4] 13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim
m27 Hey there I just met you and this is crazy
• m2 LH I feel like you could incorporate the Db pulses between beat 3-4 (they match the drum cymbal beats) as rhythms just like the rhythms were done in m1
• m10 LH I hear the Gb move to an Ab for rest of measure on beat 2.5
• m23 LH the bass note on beat 3 should be F's
• Don't forget slurs on grace notes if that is your preference (m24 LH 2.5 specifically)
• m55-56 LH 1st layer you could add a slur leading up to m57 beat 1
• Might be a version thing but m69 RH the half note dot is a bit obscured by layer 2's half note
For ease of review, is there lyrics that can be found for this song? Just would be easier to have an additional reference for the romaji if it exists
Bump for feedback on two sheets
I'm going to archive these submissions for inactivity; feel free to submit through the panel normally.