I have a great need to help others as much as I can. I also have a great need to impose my wisdom and beliefs on other people because I think I am so much better at life than everyone else.
So this is how it's going to work, you guys can ask me for advice, either here in the thread or privately via PM where you will remain anonymous and I will then give you advice. Said advice may or may not actually help you solve anything, but I'm always right, so that doesn't matter.
Some free advice:
-Don't eat the yellow snow. Unless it is a lemon flavored snow-cone.
-Feed your pets four times a day, that way if you forget one day they'll be too fat to care.
-Don't be friends with Satan.
-Feed your head.
How can I fall asleep fast?
I can't be friends with Satan? Darn.
Quote from: Dude on July 29, 2014, 08:57:51 PMHow can I fall asleep fast?
Be sure to position your body at 90° angle with your face on your bed, or whichever surface you plan on sleeping on, and your legs flat against the wall. Recite the entire American Bill of Rights and Amendments Nos. 12, 15, and 22 in German. After your recitation count backwards from 17 and you should be lulled to sleep.
If that doesn't work or isn't fast enough, you can try to imagine yourself sleeping and dreaming; and then in your imagined dream dream that you are asleep and dreaming. In the dream of your imagined dream, dream that you have been in a coma for the past 7 years. Careful, though, you might wake up dead, and that'll ruin the day of your imagined self.
I stayed up an extra 15 min on my phone for THAT?
I want my money back.
Quote from: Nebbles on July 29, 2014, 09:05:55 PMI can't be friends with Satan? Darn.
I wouldn't say you can't, but I would advise against it. He and I used to be friends, but then he reneged on his half of the deal and wouldn't accept my first born on the grounds that "Your hell spawn of man and artichoke is not part of the original agreement."
I told him "then you shouldn't have given me the ability to seduce and impregnate any person or object at will."
It was a tertiary clause to a much larger deal, but it is still legally binding and Articia (God rest her soul) would not appreciate Satan referring to Artemis as "an affront against God himself." You're fucking Satan, for God's sake, don't you do this kind of shit for a living?
-Best wishes
Maestro
Quote from: Dude on July 29, 2014, 09:16:16 PMI stayed up an extra 15 min on my phone for THAT?
I want my money back.
All fees on non-refundable and all advice is not guaranteed to provide a satisfactory solution to the problem at hand.
Of course if you tried it you'd see I'm right.
Quote from: MaestroUGC on July 29, 2014, 09:18:38 PMI wouldn't say you can't, but I would advise against it. He and I used to be friends, but then he reneged on his half of the deal and wouldn't accept my first born on the grounds that "Your hell spawn of man and artichoke is not part of the original agreement."
I told him "then you shouldn't have given me the ability to seduce and impregnate any person or object at will."
It was a tertiary clause to a much larger deal, but it is still legally binding and Articia (God rest her soul) would not appreciate Satan referring to Artemis as "an affront against God himself." You're fucking Satan, for God's sake, don't you do this kind of shit for a living?
-Best wishes
Maestro
Can I be friends with Mephistopheles?
Shit I'm already friends with Satan. He's my bro.
(I actually lost a rock-off challenge where a friend offered me that if we lost, Satan could take me back to hell, to be his little bitch. Satan rocked too hard, because he's not a mortal man. There was no way we could win, it was a masterpiece, so here I am now)
How do I shoot up smack properly milord
Quote from: blueflower999 on July 29, 2014, 09:57:45 PMCan I be friends with Mephistopheles?
Oh of course, he's an all around good guy. Haven't seen him in a while, though. If you see him tell him I said, "you still owe me $50 for that 'Hitler' thing."
Quote from: Bloop on July 30, 2014, 01:24:20 AMShit I'm already friends with Satan. He's my bro.
(I actually lost a rock-off challenge where a friend offered me that if we lost, Satan could take me back to hell, to be his little bitch. Satan rocked too hard, because he's not a mortal man. There was no way we could win, it was a masterpiece, so here I am now)
Well Satan has had millennia to practice climbing out of things, so you were doomed to lose even if he didn't have vast unworldly powers.
Quote from: Waddle Bro on July 30, 2014, 08:06:02 AMHow do I shoot up smack properly milord
First you must take your [Illegal Substance] and place it in a small tube with which you can use to inject it into something. A needle would do best, but a pen will do if you're in a hurry/unprepared. Place said tube right above your right knee and jam it straight though until you hit your femur. Once at your femur inject as must of the [Illegal Substance] directly into the bone as much as you can; leave it in there for an hour to make sure you get ever last bit of it.
Remove the tube immediately place cold water mixed with vinegar over the fresh hole in your leg. Keep your leg elevated, but not too high as you don't want to place your knee above your heart. Within the hour you should feel a slight buzzing in your lower spine; this would indicate a slight paralysis of the lower body.
This is normal.
This buzzing should grow until you pass out. You should wake up about two days later feeling refreshed and your leg now in the shape of the state of Florida. Should you not pass out call a doctor and the police because somebody should some weak-ass [Illegal Substance] and you are most likely about to have a stroke.
-Best wishes
Maestro
Let's say you'refloatingdownthemississippiriverandyougetaflattirehowmanypotatochipswoulditbeabletofillthestatueoflibertywithpeanuts?
Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on July 30, 2014, 10:58:26 AMLet's say you'refloatingdownthemississippiriverandyougetaflattirehowmanypotatochipswoulditbeabletofillthestatueoflibertywithpeanuts?
4. You'd only need 3 if you were floating down the Suwannee River, though.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
how can i stop hating someone?
Quote from: Dude on July 30, 2014, 11:17:14 AMhow can i stop hating someone?
Hate is such an ugly word, so instead try referring to it as "an intense dislike of the subject at hand." Soon you'll find that you don't, in fact, hate anything.
Or maybe you still will because being spiteful is such a basic human trait that it's foolish to fight it.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
How do I stop Fierce/BDS from arguing?
Quote from: maelstrom. on July 30, 2014, 11:23:53 AMHow do I stop Fierce/BDS from arguing?
There are some things that are woven into the fabric of the universe that to go against it would be tantamount to undoing that very fabric that keeps you from unexisting yourself.
Alternatively you can just call them both idiots and refer to my own greatness and they should fall in line. If that doesn't work then just run because they will cause a singularity that will destroy anything and everything in its way.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
Quote from: MaestroUGC on July 30, 2014, 10:30:18 AMWell Satan has had millennia to practice climbing out of things, so you were doomed to lose even if he didn't have vast unworldly powers.
He climbed out of some kind of bar manager when I met him. Oh well, I think he's a cool guy
THIS TOPIC MY LUNGS
How do I save Waddle from laughing to death?
Quote from: SlowPokemon on July 30, 2014, 01:35:58 PMHow do I save Waddle from laughing to death?
Whoever said he was laughing
oh my god this topic is the best
Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on July 30, 2014, 02:10:44 PMWhoever said he was laughing
What if he wants to integrate the topic with his lungs? How would one do that, oh mighty Maestro?
BDS brings up a valid point
Mister Maestro, how do sleep before my father gets up to work? His alarm clock goes off on 03:00 (about now) and I have heard it 3 days in a row
His alarm clock is also like the scariest thing ever ;_;
Quote from: Bloop on July 30, 2014, 06:06:50 PMHis alarm clock is also like the scariest thing ever ;_;
is it the alarm clock from hidamari sketch (http://youtu.be/bDrAmsSidq4)?
Quote from: SlowPokemon on July 30, 2014, 01:35:58 PMHow do I save Waddle from laughing to death?
Death by laughter is one of life's greatest honors, why would you try to save him? Seriously, what is wrong with you? Why would you deprive someone of such divine pleasure? Death by laughter is like reaching nirvana, but only more giggly.
But if you're hell bent on dooming this person to a laugh-less death (a laugh-y death caused by me, mind you,) all you have to do is punch him the kidneys while singing Deutschland über alles. This may cause some violent retaliation, but you deserve if for such a crass and brutish action.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
Quote from: BlackDragonSlayer on July 30, 2014, 06:01:55 PMWhat if he wants to integrate the topic with his lungs? How would one do that, oh mighty Maestro?
This is a tricky procedure, but all he would have to do is lay down on top of his computer, run his ether-net cord though his mouth and out his rectum and plug it in to his computer (or just eat his wireless adapter) log into this forum and open a Google Doc and fill out both to say the exact same thing. Send the document to 6069babycakes9606@hotmail.com and submit the post as a new topic in Story Telling titled "Eat Me: A Tale of Tacos and How I Beat the Herpes".
Wait 30 minutes before removing the cord or adapter from inside his bowels and you'll find your chest now picks up Wi-Fi, this is normal. Then simply use his chest to log back into this forum and just make a post here in this thread. He should begin to feel a tightening of his chest and soon lose the ability to breath. He'll then be integrated with this thread.
For about 9 minutes; at which point his chest should implode, opening a gateway to what is simply known as "The Hub" and everything withing a 10 mile radius will be sucked into it, becoming one with Serverlor, The Mighty Keeper and Saver of the Interweb.
You'll have to hold a closed casket funeral.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
What would happen if Pinocchio said' "my nose is growing?"
Quote from: Dude on July 30, 2014, 06:26:40 PMis it the alarm clock from hidamari sketch (http://youtu.be/bDrAmsSidq4)?
my alarm in the morning is the phone ringtone from Eden of the East (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN9pTP-ZK6E) :D
Unrelated to this topic but my alarm to wake up in the morning is Beautiful Morning (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CgMYJ1EUjM) from Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Alarm derail! My alarm used to be Semper Fidelis (http://youtu.be/R1sAzdf0n_0), but I would only wake up because I'd be pissed that it stopped playing before the trombones came in at the trio! xD
Quote from: Bloop on July 30, 2014, 06:06:50 PMMister Maestro, how do sleep before my father gets up to work? His alarm clock goes off on 03:00 (about now) and I have heard it 3 days in a row
His alarm clock is also like the scariest thing ever ;_;
Sleep do very much early so not lose winning. The easiest way to subdue an alarm clock is to remove it entirely from the premises. If you are unable to do that, I suggest pushing the sun about 6 hours behind schedule so you can be sure you get the sleep you need. If all else fails, simply smother the person for whom the alarm is intended to awaken in the middle of the night, thereby removing the need for such an alarm in the first place.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
Quote from: maelstrom. on July 30, 2014, 08:33:29 PMWhat would happen if Pinocchio said' "my nose is growing?"
If Pinocchio were to say "My nose is growing" his nose would infact begin to grow. Let this be a lesson in temporal physics and proper grammar. At the precise moment Pinocchio said "My nose is growing" his nose would grow because at that point in time his nose is, in fact,
not growing. That statement would be a lie, and under Blue Fairy Provision 1-a such a statement would cause his nose to grow.
Had he said "my nose
will grow then it would in fact still grow. Why? At the point in time of that statement it would be a truth and his nose
shouldn't grow; since he is referring to a future event that will not occur, he is therefore telling a lie causing his nose to grow.
Should Pinocchio have instead said, "my nose will not about to have been grown," it would not grow, because he is referring to a future point in time where his nose did not grow at a previous point in between the time he made the statement and the time of said non nose growing. Since he is referring to a future that will occur, it would be a truth and his nose will not grow.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
my sides
maestro how do we help slow's sides
Quote from: MaestroUGC on July 30, 2014, 09:03:33 PMSleep do very much early so not lose winning. The easiest way to subdue an alarm clock is to remove it entirely from the premises. If you are unable to do that, I suggest pushing the sun about 6 hours behind schedule so you can be sure you get the sleep you need. If all else fails, simply smother the person for whom the alarm is intended to awaken in the middle of the night, thereby removing the need for such an alarm in the first place.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
Alright, I'll try that. Thanks mister Maestro.
Also since I started a post-your-alarm-clock-sound: My father's alarm clock is the most annoying kind of "MEH MEH MEH MEH MEH" and scared the shit out of me when I was a little blerp
Spoiler
(https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mariowiki.com%2Fimages%2Fthumb%2F7%2F7d%2FBabyBlooperNSMBU.png%2F250px-BabyBlooperNSMBU.png&hash=ba741beee4276563a0d9f5bc5b336aeda78466c4)
Wasn't I just cute? ;3
Quote from: BlackDragonSlayer on July 30, 2014, 10:05:15 PMmaestro how do we help slow's sides
In the event of aching sides, simply drink some salt water while attempting to slay The Great Beast of Goloch Magoor! You don't need to actually succeed, just be in the act with drinking the salt water. Wait about 15 minutes and you should feel a warming sensation around your abdomen, once you feel it have you're second best friend kick you near the liver with his left shoe on his right foot. Then walk around in a perfect sphere and your sides should recover by the end your third lap.
Should this not work then call a priest, because you probably contracted Malyasian Foot Mungies; to which there is no cure and you will die a slow and slippery death in about 6 weeks.
For those of you wondering, Malaysian Foot Mungies (mung-ees, not
munj-ees) can only be contracted by rolling on the back of middle aged street walker who is performing [censored] on her john.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
Quote from: MaestroUGC on July 30, 2014, 09:37:45 PMIf Pinocchio were to say "My nose is growing" his nose would infact begin to grow. Let this be a lesson in temporal physics and proper grammar. At the precise moment Pinocchio said "My nose is growing" his nose would grow because at that point in time his nose is, in fact, not growing. That statement would be a lie, and under Blue Fairy Provision 1-a such a statement would cause his nose to grow.
Had he said "my nose will grow then it would in fact still grow. Why? At the point in time of that statement it would be a truth and his nose shouldn't grow; since he is referring to a future event that will not occur, he is therefore telling a lie causing his nose to grow.
Should Pinocchio have instead said, "my nose will not about to have been grown," it would not grow, because he is referring to a future point in time where his nose did not grow at a previous point in between the time he made the statement and the time of said non nose growing. Since he is referring to a future that will occur, it would be a truth and his nose will not grow.
lawyer'd
I'll bite.
Can you tell me the best way to fly?
How can I conquer the world?
Quote from: fank009 on July 31, 2014, 12:02:47 AMI'll bite.
Can you tell me the best way to fly?
I will be the first to tell you that the only way to fly is on one of Romp Airlines Premiere World Class Super Jets. Romp Airlines is a company you can trust and they have an excellent service record, only about 50% of their flights have been lost or crashed in spectacular failure.
No I'm not being paid to endorse them.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
Quote from: Nebbles on July 31, 2014, 12:13:51 AMHow can I conquer the world?
First you have to set up a dummy government is South Korea, nothing too big but big enough to been seen as a "credible threat". The easiest way to do that is to take all the food or women, doing both will probably result in a sex-induced heart attack so do only one or the other. As soon as the threat is established launch an attack on North Korea, but don't follow through, you just need to do enough to get the attention of the greater world powers.
Return to the US, under a different identity, and the "New Korean Crisis" as a spring board to launch your political career. For added measure bring some mercenaries you undoubtedly should have hired by now, they'll come in to play later. Every time you need a sympathy boost simply have your pawns attack some random city and "fight to end the needless aggression in the world." Eventually this should result in an appointment to Congress.
By this point the US should have already begun to intervene in the "New Korean Crisis", so to keep them busy have your mercenaries attack the Korean Embassy on US soil. This should inspire congress to go to war, but do not support it. Instead be as vocal as you can be against the conflict. During the war you should make sure you get close to the current President, you want to become something of a close adviser on the issue and keep persisting in "ending the conflict." At this point you should default power of your small militia to which ever warlord you see fit, the less ties you have the better; just instruct him to never actually make progress in anything.
At some point the President should make a decision to bring this conflict to an end because "they are just attacking a few cities with no real apparent goal." During his press conference, with you close behind, have your mercenaries attack it and kill the President, turning him and you into a martyr. Use this to your advantage and make a run for the presidency on the grounds that "the war has found a new zeal that cannot be appeased through diplomacy, the only way to deal with the aggressors is by quick and final action." You ticket of "No More Nonsense" combined with your almost murder, should catapult you straight to the presidency.
Once president, using your new influence, simply whip up a few more external crises and enact a pseudo-martial law on Southern Asia. This won't make you popular, but it will turn the rest of the world against the US. Keep your favor with the American people by insisting an "Us-or-Them" mentality, and make a clear strike against China, the root of all evil. This unwarranted attack will have other nations taking up arms, so allying with you, the others against you.
Congratulations, you just started WW III. Assuming your military coup has still survived at this point (if not just start a new one elsewhere in the world, South Africa, perhaps?), funnel resources into it and turn it into a minor military super power. While still president, keep promising the American people "an end to threat of safety" and they should keep you in power as long as you can show clear and precise victories. As the threats grow more dire (introduce nuclear warfare to up the ante) attribute more emergency powers to yourself. As soon as you have enough power and popular appeal globally, simply use both militaries to create a stalemate and split the world in half, protected by the threat of Mutually Assured Destruction. Declare yourself King/Emperor/High Admiral/Whatever-you-wish and create minor skirmishes across the globe, with both sides under your complete power, assuring the "only through [you] can there be peace" (which technically isn't wrong).
Congratulations, you've just created Orwell's
1984 and placed yourself on top of both sides. If you want totally unified power, simply have the Greater American Alliance be attacked in some really devastating manner and just nuke the opposing side. "No More Nonsense" indeed. This process should take about 20 years, so be sure to pump out plenty of propaganda along the way to keep future generations on your side.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
How do I beat the Witch Kings in Crimson Shroud? I haven't been this stuck in a game in a long time
Quote from: SlowPokemon on July 31, 2014, 08:23:29 AMHow do I beat the Witch Kings in Crimson Shroud? I haven't been this stuck in a game in a long time
Pray.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
Hey maestro i really have to go to the bathroom
Where is Olimar's bathroom?
Quote from: Waddle Bro on July 31, 2014, 08:46:54 AMWhere is Olimar's bathroom?
Down the hall, second door on the left.
Watch out for the mutant kitty litter.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
Quote from: MaestroUGC on July 31, 2014, 08:50:29 AMDown the hall, second door on the left.
holy shet O_o
Maestro, can you explain the sociological implications of oatmeal sticking to one's ribs?
My measurement results give me 6 dB more received power than the theoretical equation suggests. This could be nicely fixed if the equation just had a coefficient 4 in front of it. Where have I made a mistake and how do I get the 4 in there?
What Australian law should I cover for my Commerce assignment?
I have to find either a Federal or NSW law, and suggest some changes to it.
Quote from: Dudeman on July 31, 2014, 10:01:36 AMMaestro, can you explain the sociological implications of oatmeal sticking to one's ribs?
Ah, the old "Sticky Oats" dilemma. This is a very common occurrence but still has not been widely accepted in society since the Great Sticky Wicky Disaster of 1949. Since then having oats in any manner stuck to your ribs was similar to having leprosy in Jesus times. Sticky Oats often carries the implication that the effected person doesn't digest food properly, and therefore they must be worshippers of Gulrog the Eaterer. As you all should know, Gulrog is a figure in Skiddish folklore who was said to devour those who made bad life decisions.
Such an association tends to put a fear into most members of Western Society who routinely make such decisions. They will immediately begin to distance themselves and proceed to start a diet they know they will never keep. Some may also resolve to set aside money for retirement, but they usually just spend that money on hookers just so they can pretend to know what human affection feels like.
The affected person will notice this increasing distance and will assume that the fault lies with them, which it does because they should learn to chew their food more properly, and will embark on a journey of self discovery. This journey typically last a single lunchtime/commercial break and when they return most everyone around them who was concerned with the Sticky Oats won't care anymore and go on about their business.
This entire episode typically lasts about 30 minutes, but strangely enough never occurs on Thursdays.
-Best Whishes
Maestro
Quote from: Jamaha on July 31, 2014, 10:23:05 AMMy measurement results give me 6 dB more received power than the theoretical equation suggests. This could be nicely fixed if the equation just had a coefficient 4 in front of it. Where have I made a mistake and how do I get the 4 in there?
The mistake you made was in dictation of the original problem. Simply re-write the problem, insert the four wherever you want, and then try again. Also try to make sure you know what you are doing, that usually helps.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
Quote from: Yugi on July 31, 2014, 03:40:52 PMWhat Australian law should I cover for my Commerce assignment?
I have to find either a Federal or NSW law, and suggest some changes to it.
Argue that all of Australia should abandon any semblance of Law and Order because that show has run its course. Law was made by Man, and as such is wrong and stupid.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
How do I find a baby arctic wolf and bring it back to the US to keep as a pet?
Quote from: MaestroUGC on July 31, 2014, 08:09:43 AMSpoiler
First you have to set up a dummy government is South Korea, nothing too big but big enough to been seen as a "credible threat". The easiest way to do that is to take all the food or women, doing both will probably result in a sex-induced heart attack so do only one or the other. As soon as the threat is established launch an attack on North Korea, but don't follow through, you just need to do enough to get the attention of the greater world powers.
Return to the US, under a different identity, and the "New Korean Crisis" as a spring board to launch your political career. For added measure bring some mercenaries you undoubtedly should have hired by now, they'll come in to play later. Every time you need a sympathy boost simply have your pawns attack some random city and "fight to end the needless aggression in the world." Eventually this should result in an appointment to Congress.
By this point the US should have already begun to intervene in the "New Korean Crisis", so to keep them busy have your mercenaries attack the Korean Embassy on US soil. This should inspire congress to go to war, but do not support it. Instead be as vocal as you can be against the conflict. During the war you should make sure you get close to the current President, you want to become something of a close adviser on the issue and keep persisting in "ending the conflict." At this point you should default power of your small militia to which ever warlord you see fit, the less ties you have the better; just instruct him to never actually make progress in anything.
At some point the President should make a decision to bring this conflict to an end because "they are just attacking a few cities with no real apparent goal." During his press conference, with you close behind, have your mercenaries attack it and kill the President, turning him and you into a martyr. Use this to your advantage and make a run for the presidency on the grounds that "the war has found a new zeal that cannot be appeased through diplomacy, the only way to deal with the aggressors is by quick and final action." You ticket of "No More Nonsense" combined with your almost murder, should catapult you straight to the presidency.
Once president, using your new influence, simply whip up a few more external crises and enact a pseudo-martial law on Southern Asia. This won't make you popular, but it will turn the rest of the world against the US. Keep your favor with the American people by insisting an "Us-or-Them" mentality, and make a clear strike against China, the root of all evil. This unwarranted attack will have other nations taking up arms, so allying with you, the others against you.
Congratulations, you just started WW III. Assuming your military coup has still survived at this point (if not just start a new one elsewhere in the world, South Africa, perhaps?), funnel resources into it and turn it into a minor military super power. While still president, keep promising the American people "an end to threat of safety" and they should keep you in power as long as you can show clear and precise victories. As the threats grow more dire (introduce nuclear warfare to up the ante) attribute more emergency powers to yourself. As soon as you have enough power and popular appeal globally, simply use both militaries to create a stalemate and split the world in half, protected by the threat of Mutually Assured Destruction. Declare yourself King/Emperor/High Admiral/Whatever-you-wish and create minor skirmishes across the globe, with both sides under your complete power, assuring the "only through [you] can there be peace" (which technically isn't wrong).
Congratulations, you've just created Orwell's 1984 and placed yourself on top of both sides. If you want totally unified power, simply have the Greater American Alliance be attacked in some really devastating manner and just nuke the opposing side. "No More Nonsense" indeed. This process should take about 20 years, so be sure to pump out plenty of propaganda along the way to keep future generations on your side.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
Maestro really has this planned out...
O_O
Have you ever thought about writing more hitchhiker's books?
Quote from: zoroark1264 on July 31, 2014, 05:29:54 PMHow do I find a baby arctic wolf and bring it back to the US to keep as a pet?
The hunting of the Arctic Wolf is an easy task, simply find one, hit it with something heavy and take it with you. The tricky part is bringing it in the US and keeping it there.
The legal way is to fill out mountains of paperwork, by which time you are down the baby wolf will have matured into and adult and probably mauled several times. (Should this happen simply beat it like the savage animal it is, it knows what it did to deserve it.) Once you are done with the paperwork you must submit it to your local Home Owner's Association to gain their approval for allowing a feral animal within the boundaries of 500yrds of your home. After dealing with them you must submit a form to the local Animal Control division and the CDC to make them aware of the presence of the beast.
Once you do that you will be taxed heavily for until 10 years after the beast dies. The US government charges $100 per pound plus 10% of your taxable income. After this point you must, as per the State Game and Fish Department, create and maintain a 500
2yrd area of barbed wire around your property and supply your wolf cub with approximately 10lbs of fresh meat everyday and at least one live animal for it to hunt every week. Should you provide a human you will be fined between $1,000-$5,000, depending on your state of residence.
Upon the beast's death you must bury it in a shallow grave at the nearest 4-way intersection, as per the Wildlife Preservation Act, and erect a sign stating "A great beast, [insert animal type], is buried here, signifying Man's cruelty and disregard to nature." You may plant some flowers if you wish.
Otherwise, if you don't wish to deal with all that, simply capture the beast and hide it in you basement/cellar; if not then you will have to keep it in your house where it will undoubtedly kill and eat you the first chance it gets.
It's a wolf. They do that.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on July 31, 2014, 06:42:04 PMHave you ever thought about writing more hitchhiker's books?
I'm not sure what you are talking about. Have you tried prayer?
-Best Wishes
Maestro
(https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecx.images-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FI%2F414r3cTrOeL.jpg&hash=a1aedb6fc88cdcd5c5a32010e67b3a1fcc248d61)
Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on July 31, 2014, 07:25:00 PM(https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecx.images-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FI%2F414r3cTrOeL.jpg&hash=a1aedb6fc88cdcd5c5a32010e67b3a1fcc248d61)
My expert advise would be to see a doctor about... that.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
10 days and no more requests for advice?
I have done it. I have solved all of the world's problems.
How do I get more ninsheet people to play Bravely Default?
Choose a better game lol
I played the demo for a while and it was very lame
Quote from: maelstrom. on August 10, 2014, 06:23:16 PMHow do I get more ninsheet people to play Bravely Default?
Getting other people to do things is an art as old as some really old thing. There are two way you can do it:
1) Hit them over the head with a shovel, or some other hard, heavy thing. A thick piece of wood will do, like a bat, or a lead pipe. Bricks or stones do really well too. You could also try using a hand gun to feel like a badass. I personally prefer the use of a crow bar. Once you knock them out, assuming you didn't kill them (in which case if you did you should probably spend the next 30 years in Argentina), tie them to a chair and provide for them only the thing you want them to do and a bucket. You may feed it if you wish. Leave them with the thing doing for 2-3 weeks and when you return they'll either before dead (you should probably book your tickets in advance) or in love with you. Once they're in love you can make them love the same things you love.
2) Give them money to do something.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
Quote from: SlowPokemon on August 10, 2014, 06:27:57 PMI played the demo for a while and it was very lame
The demo features unbalanced classes, nonexistent story, and no content taken directly from the game. In fact, there are no sidequests in the actual game, and the "bosses" are just stronger enemies you meet normally in the game. But if you hate "traditional" JRPGs, there is no way you will enjoy the game.
Yeah you're not going to sell me on this one. I love traditional JRPGs but have no faith in Square Enix.
Also the story for Bravely Default looks really dumb tbh.
Quote from: SlowPokemon on August 10, 2014, 07:03:19 PMYeah you're not going to sell me on this one. I love traditional JRPGs but have no faith in Square Enix.
Also the story for Bravely Default looks really dumb tbh.
does this convince you (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hk_DbDVyEwU)
How do I arrange better quicker/ :P
Quote from: BlackDragonSlayer on August 10, 2014, 07:10:30 PMdoes this convince you (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hk_DbDVyEwU)
Didn't even know there was an english version. I just used the japanese dubs because the english voice acting is soooo bad. And, slow, Bravely Default is generally recognized as the best final fantasy game in the last decade.
Quote from: mariolegofan on August 10, 2014, 07:12:46 PMHow do I arrange better quicker/ :P
The quickest way to becoming a top-notch arranger is to have me transfuse my blood into you.
I charge $1.5M a pint. First ounce is free.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
This is precisely why you can't have two accounts on this forum. People would abuse it and Maestro would die suddenly.
Quote from: Winter on August 10, 2014, 10:15:55 PMThis is precisely why you can't have two accounts on this forum. People would abuse it and Maestro would die suddenly.
It would never get to that point. I don't have blood.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
O brother...
Quote from: MaestroUGC on August 10, 2014, 06:10:45 PM10 days and no more requests for advice?
I have done it. I have solved all of the world's problems.
It's been months now.
I think you have.
waaaaaaaaaaaaait
maestro how do you solve ebola
Have no contact with anyone or anything for any reason anytime.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
But what about Maestro? We still need our advice.
I cannot contract any diseases or illnesses born of this universe, my body's biology and physics render me immune to most of your laws of science.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
Are there diseases outside of our universe that can effect you? Why did you come to our lowly universe when you could of remained in your higher level of existence.
Want me to give you some ebola?
I'm trying to come up with unique textural variations on a theme, but am running dry on ideas now about 40 measures into it. It's not a project I want to drop. How do you overcome this predicament Maestro? things that inspire you? tools for my compositional pallet?
I overcome this by not running out of ideas. I am my own greatest inspiration. Be better.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
Oh Maestro, I have a need for your advice! What, I ask, do you do with friends who are leeches?
Quote from: BlackDragonSlayer on November 18, 2014, 12:14:22 AMOh Maestro, I have a need for your advice! What, I ask, do you do with friends who are leeches?
I actually got this one. Something something salt, something something.
-Best wishes, Maestro
Is probably what he'd do
^good enough
So, how do I prevent cows from falling on me?
Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on November 18, 2014, 04:56:02 AMI actually got this one. Something something salt, something something.
-Best wishes, Maestro
Is probably what he'd do
I want confirmation before I go around throwing salt on people!
Quote from: BlackDragonSlayer on November 18, 2014, 12:14:22 AMOh Maestro, I have a need for your advice! What, I ask, do you do with friends who are leeches?
If you find yourself beleeched by "friends" what you should to remove them is to starve them of the thing they are leeching. Best way to do this is to strike them with a blunt object next time they try to leach, but a simple "no" should also suffice.
For those of you who suggested salt get the f*** out of my advice column you parasitic pieces of s***. Salt only works on people who suffer from Felled Cow Syndrome; the salt acts as a barrier that cows cannot penetrate, which as we all know is common knowledge.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
YES FELLED COW SYNDROME IS THE COW CRISIS REFERRED TO BY THAT CONCERNED HUMBLE FARMER CITIZEN HOW DO I SOLVE IF
Quote from: MaestroUGC on November 18, 2014, 11:45:01 AMBest way to do this is to strike them with a blunt object
Got it! Thanks!
Maestro, can you gave ,e advice on how to take advice from others?
Maestro, how do I reach the status of a god?
Maestro, how do I get a boy to think I'm cute?
Quote from: fank009 on November 29, 2014, 02:34:53 PMMaestro, can you gave ,e advice on how to take advice from others?
The taking of advice is one of the most challenging task a human can ever undertake.
Step 1: Allow the Advice Giver to tell you how they would solve your problem or otherwise prove to you how much better they would be at your life than you.
Step 2: Beat the living s*** out of them for giving you unsolicited advice, as you are a registered client of
Maestro EnterprisesTM only are legally restricted to accept any advice from Maestro the Great, and are only allowed to interact with other people's registered under
Maestro Enterprises, Inc.TM and minimal contact with other people's outside the Domain.
Step 3: Confirm the advice received with the normal protocols for Advisement by Outside Parties and seek out proper advice b Maestro the Wise.
Step 4: Once the proper advice has been confirmed (you should receive an email in 3-5 business days) then you should follow it exactly as written.
Step 5: You will be billed and should you follow the advice as directed your life will improve.
Thank you for choosing
Maestro Enterprises Inc., LLC.TM, the one stop shop for all things Maestro the Magnificent.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
Quote from: zoroark1264 on November 29, 2014, 02:57:57 PMMaestro, how do I reach the status of a god?
You must become one with Maestro. Only through Maestro can you know the infinite infinities of the universe. Should you desire to unlock the majesties of the cosmos come to me, my child. Come unto me, become within me, and know all that is unknown.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
Quote from: MaestroUGC on November 29, 2014, 05:31:06 PMYou must become one with Maestro. Only through Maestro can you know the infinite infinities of the universe. Should you desire to unlock the majesties of the cosmos come to me, my child. Come unto me, become within me, and know all that is unknown.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
I'm pretty sure this should be the go-to advice for every question in this thread.
Maestro, some of my friends have been telling me that they can't even. How does one even? Is there hope for my friends?
Quote from: K-NiGhT on November 29, 2014, 06:00:07 PMMaestro, some of my friends have been telling me that they can't even. How does one even? Is there hope for my friends?
Ah, the age old Even/Odd debate. I've always lived by the rule of Primes, 17 being a very effective divining tool for my own uses.
Evens have a universal, but often unfulfillable, application to most problems and situations, but Odds tend to be better at certain tasks. Primes are those great specializers, with Zero being the Great Universal Equalizer.
ABOVE ALL ELSE, DO NOT USE ZERO IN ANY CASE. IT CONTAINS A POWER FAR BEYOND THE MIGHT OF EVEN YOUR GREATER GODS. IT HAS BEEN SAID TO BE A GOD INTO AND OF ITSELF, RESPONSIBLE FOR CREATING ALL THATHAS AND EVER WILL BE.
DON'T FUCK WITH ZERO.-Best Wishes
Maestro
Quote from: SlowPokemon on November 29, 2014, 04:55:16 PMMaestro, how do I get a boy to think I'm cute?
Show him the world through your [censored] and let him know what he would be missing in terms of both [censored] and [that is way too inappropriate for an advice column]. Just remember to love and be loved in return.
-Best Wishes
Maestro
How do I make sure ThatGamer never returns, O Great Maestro?
By not honoring his memory and bumping useless topics d:
Quote from: Olimar12345 on January 26, 2015, 06:37:33 PMBy not honoring his memory and bumping useless topics d:
why do u hate maestro this topic is fantastic