Submission Information:
Series: Pokémon
Game: Pokémon Sun & Pokémon Moon
Console: Nintendo 3DS
Title: Hau'oli City (Night)
Instrumentation Solo Piano
Arranger: Zeila (http://forum.ninsheetmusic.org/index.php?action=profile;u=4766)
So glad there are day/night variants (sorry for the small spoiler if anyone wanted to wait)
Sun and Moon! Immediately dumped everything to review this. Mmm, had one quick listen through the original, and took a look at yours. It's pretty accurate! ^^ And whoa, that was fast ahaha. As a side note, +1 for the tempo marking.
That being said, umm...some things don't really work out. I won't go into the details because there are some general things that I don't fully get. Eh, apologies for being a little critical here, but here's what I've got:
- the score is probably 4/4 with swing. 12/8 usually hints at a gigue/jig/impromptu, where the rhythm is more triplet-based than long-short based. In this case, we're definitely in 4/4 swing, so that should solve most problems! ^^ It's um, gonna be hard to edit though, eep.
- the bass line is probably less effective than it sounds on playback. Let's take a look at your first bar: you've got an off-beat chord that has a bass note lower than the on-beat one on the first post-intro bar, and that...is dangerous. It changes the rhythmic integrity of the arrangement (walking bass, one per main beat), and I don't think that's what you're going for.
- on the subject of the bass line, the off-beat chords tend to be accented more because they have more notes, and the on-beat notes aren't as resonant as they should be in that register. I would bring most of the on-beat bass notes down an octave ^^
- generally the layer-writing in the melody part...doesn't really work out well in real life. I'm talking about the bars where the melody suddenly soars an octave - yes, it's meant to be a flourish, but the way you write it draws the line between it and the melody way too clearly. For most performers, this is an indication to break the phrase...which is probably not what you want.
Overall, mmm...I think this arrangement needs to fix a bunch of fundamentals before it works out. Maybe it's a style that you're not too familiar with, and that's cool! :) We, um, figure things out by trying. And you've done a good transcription. I just think that, arrangement wise, this doesn't work too well.
Feel free to ask me stuff, because this is, well, the most critical I've been in a while, eep. Much cheers :)
Quote from: dajwxp on October 18, 2016, 10:55:21 PMSun and Moon! Immediately dumped everything to review this. Mmm, had one quick listen through the original, and took a look at yours. It's pretty accurate! ^^ And whoa, that was fast ahaha. As a side note, +1 for the tempo marking.
Lol, thanks!
Quote from: dajwxp on October 18, 2016, 10:55:21 PM- the score is probably 4/4 with swing. 12/8 usually hints at a gigue/jig/impromptu, where the rhythm is more triplet-based than long-short based. In this case, we're definitely in 4/4 swing, so that should solve most problems! ^^ It's um, gonna be hard to edit though, eep.
When I first tried 4/4, it didn't register the swing properly so I decided to just do it in 12/8. Oops (it's fixed now though)
Quote from: dajwxp on October 18, 2016, 10:55:21 PM- the bass line is probably less effective than it sounds on playback. Let's take a look at your first bar: you've got an off-beat chord that has a bass note lower than the on-beat one on the first post-intro bar, and that...is dangerous. It changes the rhythmic integrity of the arrangement (walking bass, one per main beat), and I don't think that's what you're going for.
- on the subject of the bass line, the off-beat chords tend to be accented more because they have more notes, and the on-beat notes aren't as resonant as they should be in that register. I would bring most of the on-beat bass notes down an octave ^^
I moved the bass notes up an octave to make it easier to play, although that's probably more important. I tried mixing it up a bit (and I also moved the bass notes to the 2nd layer). I could put an accent or tenuto on the bass part but I don't really think that's necessary
Quote from: dajwxp on October 18, 2016, 10:55:21 PM- generally the layer-writing in the melody part...doesn't really work out well in real life. I'm talking about the bars where the melody suddenly soars an octave - yes, it's meant to be a flourish, but the way you write it draws the line between it and the melody way too clearly. For most performers, this is an indication to break the phrase...which is probably not what you want.
Alright. I tried notating m4-6 differently but I'm at a loss for any other measures like that
Spoiler
(https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpuu.sh%2FrO5Rb%2F91c095f59d.jpg&hash=f9a71759590326b20a0bd89dcc3beea12f3634fd)
Quote from: dajwxp on October 18, 2016, 10:55:21 PMOverall, mmm...I think this arrangement needs to fix a bunch of fundamentals before it works out. Maybe it's a style that you're not too familiar with, and that's cool! :) We, um, figure things out by trying. And you've done a good transcription. I just think that, arrangement wise, this doesn't work too well.
Feel free to ask me stuff, because this is, well, the most critical I've been in a while, eep. Much cheers :)
No worries, I appreciate it! You had some fair points
Looks fantastic now :)
Great job! Thanks for being receptive and for taking the criticism well, hehe. I'll try not to do that again, but wow, this looks great :)
The games don't have "Version" in their title and haven't since Black Version 2 and White Version 2. The game is just "Pokémon Sun & Pokémon Moon."
How about we have a competition to see who gets the "better" arrangement?
That also sounds like a flame war.
Latios's title is shorter
Zeila's was up first.
I was hoping you'd find a way to continue the chain of cloned posts but oh well.
I changed a few things such as the name and the first two measures. I also added Hitomi Sato as one of the composers
The updaters discussed this double-submission issue, and after reviewing both arrangements as they are, we've decided that Latios' arrangement would require less editing to meet the standard of quality needed for acceptance to the main site. Shortly put, his arrangement of the multiple layers provided more clarity than seen in Zeila's arrangement, among other smaller things. Latios being an updater had no merit in this decision, and both pieces were reviewed without any biases.
Alrighty then. I'll submit something else later