Submission Information:
Series: Fire Emblem
Game: Fire Emblem Awakening
Console: Nintendo 3DS
Title: "We'd best prepare for combat, just to be safe."
Instrumentation Solo Piano
Arranger: Onionleaf (https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=3620)
[attachment deleted by admin]
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Tried my best with this one, hope you'll enjoy reviewing. :)
Here's one I've looked at before! Admittedly though it was quite a while ago and I'll be giving it a much more experienced/in-depth look this time. Still, I'm glad to see you've implemented some of my suggestions from before and a lot of the rhythms are easier on the eyes now. (Also wow that was just barely over a year ago now...)
-The second layer rhythm in bar 16 sounds like this to me, I think:
Spoiler
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/492809359961882625/619257272400478228/unknown.png
-The rhythms are correct but I'm hearing different pitches for a lot of what's going on in bars 19-35. For example, here's what I hear for 19-20:
Spoiler
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/492809359961882625/619259613790863409/unknown.png
and I think it continues along the same lines further on. I think your G# C# pattern is a mixing of the two layers, like this:
Spoiler
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/492809359961882625/619260621090979853/unknown.png
At least that's what I'm assuming happened, unless I'm hearing things wrong or something else. (Excuse the terrible picture.) With that knowledge, you might want to rework bits of this whole section (19-35) to account for it. Although in some places it's likely to be awkward to have it completely verbatim. Either way, I'll let you decide what you want to do there but if you need help/ more suggestions I can give that.
-The bar numbers become off after bar 29 due to a hidden bar in between bars 29 and 31. It also messes with the playback slightly, and I'm not certain yet what purpose the hidden bar serves. It's also a little confusing having the forward repeat marking start at the end of bar 29 rather than the start of bar 31 (or 30 as it should be) so I would move that there.
-Personally I think 4/4 is preferable over common time when you have some 2/4 or 3/4 bars thrown in there, as we do in this piece.
-Although this might change based on what you do with that section, I think it would be better to keep the syncopation in layer 2 in bar 23 (like you have it everywhere else) rather than absorbing it into the ostinato in layer 1.
-In bars 17 and 18, the D#s in the right hand I'm hearing as repeated low G#s. In fact, I'm not 100% those notes are even there as I think they're just the ostinato G#s that you've already written into the left hand.
-It's a little jarring to not have the melodic line in bar 28 resolve onto a D#. It might be worth writing out those repeats (25-29) explicitly so that you can put in the resolution (you could also add it in for bar 25 with a '2nd time only' notice, but I can imagine that looking very cluttering with everything else going on there.
-Similarly you could also write 31-35 out explicitly, with melodic line in 34 resolving onto a lower F, but since 31 starts with an F in the bass anyway perhaps its not so bad.
-Bar 37, the last two octaves in the left hand should be Dn and Bn rather than En and Cn. Similarly, the last octave in bar 39 should be a Bn rather than a C#.
-I think I would drop following the piano line for the last beat and a half of bar 43 in the left hand and instead play the bass octaves from earlier (En -> F#). You can still keep some of the extra harmony if you like, but I think it'd be a good idea to get the bass notes right for the loop.
-Speaking of the piano line, it's generally pretty accurate. I can see you've messed with the octaves to make it all stay in a similar range, which I think work reasonably well. If you wanted to try something else though, you could also have the piano line almost verbatim to the original and move the stabs to the left hand instead. I haven't tried it out personally myself, but it might work better if you want to have a go. In terms of accuracy, there are a few pitches I'm hearing differently:
Bar 40: I think there's an E on beat 2.5 like there is in bar 42.
Bar 42: I think beat 3.625 is a G rather than an E. (That's the second note in the second demisemi group.)
Bar 42: The last three semiquavers I'm hearing as G -> A -> D (with the D below the A rather than above).
Bar 43: Probably better with a picture (this also has the above changes in it.)
Spoiler
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/492809359961882625/619278345003204622/unknown.png
Although that last phrase in bar 43 is now perhaps too low, and so you might want to fiddle with the octaves again. If you do, I'd suggest bringing the last D in bar 42 up the octave and then the first set of notes in bar 43 could be brought up similarly.
-For some reason the playback includes the pick up after the D.C. which is probably something worth fixing.
-Personally I think the left margin is too narrow and I'd bring it out to around 0.7 inches just to give everything a little more space. Also the bottom margin should be 0.5 to bring the copyright up a bit. That will require messing around with the spacings of the systems on the first page to accommodate for the url/copyright.
-The url should have https rather than http. Also I think Nintendo should be there with IS as they published it and also I believe helped with the development.
-I think before you haven't used parenthesis for notes like the G on beat 2.5 in bar 14. Just thought I'd point it out in case you didn't want it there.
That looks like a lot of stuff, but most of its just small minor things.
Quote from: Onionleaf on August 31, 2019, 01:24:48 AMTried my best with this one, hope you'll enjoy reviewing. :)
Your efforts did not go to waste! I actually really like this sheet and I'm very happy that you took the time to write out such a strange piece. It's much easier for me to get an idea of what's going on here now that you've done all the hard work. :)
Bumpity bump.
Quote from: Libera on September 05, 2019, 02:22:30 PMHere's one I've looked at before! Admittedly though it was quite a while ago and I'll be giving it a much more experienced/in-depth look this time. Still, I'm glad to see you've implemented some of my suggestions from before and a lot of the rhythms are easier on the eyes now. (Also wow that was just barely over a year ago now...)
Oh yay! I'm glad it's familiar for you. Your original suggestions definitely helped.
I've replied to some feedback points below with my queries (all other points have been updated):
Quote-The rhythms are correct but I'm hearing different pitches for a lot of what's going on in bars 19-35. For example, here's what I hear for 19-20:
Spoiler
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/492809359961882625/619259613790863409/unknown.png
and I think it continues along the same lines further on. I think your G# C# pattern is a mixing of the two layers, like this:
Spoiler
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/492809359961882625/619260621090979853/unknown.png
I agree with the change to the RH, however I'm still hearing the G# C# pattern in the LH, weird! Perhaps my headphones aren't picking up some of the quieter sound layers? I can't for the life of me hear those F's and A's that you have included in the LH.
Quote-It's a little jarring to not have the melodic line in bar 28 resolve onto a D#. It might be worth writing out those repeats (25-29) explicitly so that you can put in the resolution (you could also add it in for bar 25 with a '2nd time only' notice, but I can imagine that looking very cluttering with everything else going on there.
-Similarly you could also write 31-35 out explicitly, with melodic line in 34 resolving onto a lower F, but since 31 starts with an F in the bass anyway perhaps its not so bad.
Makes sense, I've expanded both of these sections to remove all repeat signs.
Quote-I think before you haven't used parenthesis for notes like the G on beat 2.5 in bar 14. Just thought I'd point it out in case you didn't want it there.
I think this was a more recent addition, should be fine to leave as is I guess?
QuoteYour efforts did not go to waste! I actually really like this sheet and I'm very happy that you took the time to write out such a strange piece. It's much easier for me to get an idea of what's going on here now that you've done all the hard work. :)
Thanks, I'm happy to hear that! The sheet wouldn't be where it is now without your help. *high-five*
Let me know if you need files of the 1st version of the sheet to review changes made.
Just a couple of passing comments as I'm peeking at it while Libera reviews the changes:
- Game title on the sheet shouldn't have a colon in it
Quote from: Libera on September 05, 2019, 02:22:30 PM-I think before you haven't used parenthesis for notes like the G on beat 2.5 in bar 14. Just thought I'd point it out in case you didn't want it there.
Quote from: Onionleaf on November 29, 2019, 11:14:08 PMI think this was a more recent addition, should be fine to leave as is I guess?
It's a bit confusing as is since it's not clear whether to hit the note or not. I'd recommend moving those parentheses to make it clear to keep the eighth note line tapping away.
- Extra line between m. 32-33
- Dynamic placement in m. 41
Cool, thanks for that, all changes made per above :)
For m25, I hear this in the RH:
(https://i.imgur.com/ZenriU4.jpg)
I'm quite certain about the 2 16ths I wrote in. It might sound unnatural, but if you fix the 1st layer of the bassline to match what Libera suggested for m19, it sounds just fine. Same in m29.
M33 is like this:
(https://i.imgur.com/prHQ5R6.jpg)
And 34 this:
(https://i.imgur.com/tit8LbY.jpg)
The same is true for m37/38
The 1st layer of the bassline from m19-38 is .... certainly something. Let me elaborate.
It's incredibly inconsistent. Sometimes it's like libera mentioned (most of the time, actually), a few times it's what you mentioned, and others it's barely there, if at all.
Here's the results of my analysis, distilled out so it's easier to tell what is where since you were having trouble hearing it:
It is the suggested C#-F#-C#-A# from m19 forward, except for:
m22 b2.5 a C# is played instead of a B. Same for m2.5 of m23.
m24 is correct as you have it written.
From m25+ it is as you have written except for:
b3.5 of m25 and 29 it's a B instead (yes, really. It's weird, but it matches up with the piano part you don't have written in)
m33 (the key change) is where it gets weird. It's hard to tell if the notes are being covered up by the piano, or playing in unison with it, but there's a number of places where the dissonance that would be present if the off beat were a D is absent. as such, we end up with stuff that looks like this:
m33:
(https://i.imgur.com/0hlcLBg.jpg)
For m34/38, the only change is that b2.5 is a C instead of a D.
Aaand I think that's everything. I hope this makes sense.
Great, I've made all these changes but could either you or somebody else please double check I didn't miss anything? Would really appreciate a fresh pair of eyes at this stage. Thanks!
Sorry for the wait! Fresh pair of eyes, coming right up! You all did a great job untangling the voices on this one - I'm only finding pretty minor things as I go through this closely.
- Use an eighth rest instead of a whole rest for the pickup.
- m. 2/6 beat 3.25 should be a B, not C#
- Small thing - the 1 and 2 repeat markings in m. 10-11 could be shifted left a bit. I also think they should have a dot following the numeral.
- In measures 17-24 I think I would suggest putting the RH down an octave as it is in the original. There no clashing pitches, not much overlap and given the LH notes are all staccato that's not a problem.
- The layer 2 beat 4.5 noteheads in the LH of 22/26/30 are ever so slightly shifted to the left. Use the Note Position tool and right click to remove manual adjustments.
- There's a very long gap between the crescendo marking in m. 25 and the next dynamic marking. How about just a mf at 25, and a f at 41? I don't think there's much dynamic variation from 25-41 especially as it's repeating the same section.
- LH notes flipped in m. 32. Left end of slur needs to be adjusted in 28.
- Eighth rests in m. 33/37 need to be bumped up to avoid clashing with the LH beams.
- In the high rolled chords in m. 41 and 43, I'm hearing the E lowered an octave (so it's ascending E-B-F# as a stack of fifths).
- I'm hearing beat 2 LH in m. 45 (the first 16th note) as B instead of F#.
- I think the two eighth rests in the last measure are a bit awkward - I think the original has some more notes instead of stopping suddenly.
poke for Onionleaf :)
Bump for arranger. It's so close .....
Quote from: Latios212 on February 02, 2020, 03:23:29 PMSorry for the wait! Fresh pair of eyes, coming right up! You all did a great job untangling the voices on this one - I'm only finding pretty minor things as I go through this closely.
- Use an eighth rest instead of a whole rest for the pickup.
- m. 2/6 beat 3.25 should be a B, not C#
- Small thing - the 1 and 2 repeat markings in m. 10-11 could be shifted left a bit. I also think they should have a dot following the numeral.
- In measures 17-24 I think I would suggest putting the RH down an octave as it is in the original. There no clashing pitches, not much overlap and given the LH notes are all staccato that's not a problem.
- The layer 2 beat 4.5 noteheads in the LH of 22/26/30 are ever so slightly shifted to the left. Use the Note Position tool and right click to remove manual adjustments.
- There's a very long gap between the crescendo marking in m. 25 and the next dynamic marking. How about just a mf at 25, and a f at 41? I don't think there's much dynamic variation from 25-41 especially as it's repeating the same section.
- LH notes flipped in m. 32. Left end of slur needs to be adjusted in 28.
- Eighth rests in m. 33/37 need to be bumped up to avoid clashing with the LH beams.
- In the high rolled chords in m. 41 and 43, I'm hearing the E lowered an octave (so it's ascending E-B-F# as a stack of fifths).
- I'm hearing beat 2 LH in m. 45 (the first 16th note) as B instead of F#.
- I think the two eighth rests in the last measure are a bit awkward - I think the original has some more notes instead of stopping suddenly.
Thanks a bunch for the review, I've made all changes above, hope I didn't miss anything. ;)
Sweet, looks great - thanks for updating it! Only thing is that the LH beat 1-2 in m. 32 are misaligned, and that the last two LH notes should be beamed together.
That's all before I approve :)
Whoops my bad, should be fine now. Thanks heaps!
Quote from: Onionleaf on November 29, 2019, 11:14:08 PMOh yay! I'm glad it's familiar for you. Your original suggestions definitely helped.
---
Thanks, I'm happy to hear that! The sheet wouldn't be where it is now without your help. *high-five*
Sorry for not responding originally when you made these changes, but looks like you've implemented them now! This sheet sure is a tricky one...
I'm happy to approve now, but I've just got two small things I can spot.
-I think when I suggested removing the parenthesis on beat 2.5 in bar 14, you accidentally also removed the one on beat 2 which should still be there.
-The copyright/url isn't aligned to the bottom margin. (You may also need to bring the systems on page 1 up a bit to accommodate for it.)
Really looking forward to getting this one accepted!
In the interest of time I made those couple of tiny fixes.
Let's get this one in!
Woooooooooooo!
Marvellous sheet!
This submission has been accepted by Libera (https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=5291).
~Zeta, your friendly NSM-Bot