I added the RH marking in measure 6 et al, but I left m17/19 as is (because I seem to recall hearing that cross-staffing should be left up to the performer, and that's what this is, yes?)
Well, cross-staffing refers to where the note is placed on the staves and that's your decision as the arranger. Sometimes that can leave up to the performer which hand they want to play it with. Here I'm saying that I think it would be best for the right hand to play the upper layer notes on beats 2 and 3 because it would be an awkward jump for the left hand while playing the triplet arpeggio. And since they fit comfortably on the top staff, they would probably be best written there.
Additionally, one other thing to consider is that the beat 1 Bb doesn't contribute much in terms of sound (it's there in the original, but there's a Bb playing in the RH and the Bb is struck immediately afterwards in the left hand) and it's also awkward to re-strike, so I would suggest just taking it out. The bass note is also wrong here, and writing a Bb above it (lowered an octave from the original) forms a muddy-sounding tritone. So all that said, I would suggest this for m. 17/19:
Other stuff:
- Use a staccato 8th note + 16th rest instead of staccato dotted 8th note (m. 2, 3, 8, 30, 31)
- The Cb in the LH of m. 8 should be Cn
- m. 15 beat 4 RH: Use Fb instead of En (chromatically approaches the Eb, and preserves parallel sixth dyads)
- m. 21 beat 4 RH: Use Cb instead of Bb (chromatically approaches the Bb, and matches the Cb chord in the left hand)
- If you want, you could include the rhythm of the percussion in the bass of m. 23-24 to keep the forward motion in the sound.
- Keep 4 measures per system on the second page instead of having 5/5/3/3 in the last four systems.
