Hi, and welcome to NSM
Thanks for submitting this replacement! Here are a few points you can work on:

- Your PDF file must be exported from Finale (Notepad).
- The slurs under slurs in measure 1 and m3 seem out of place, could you remove them?
- I think the timesig/fermata distribution from the original sheet more aptly depicts what's going on in this track, would you mind adopting it from there?