To Our Beloved Staff and Assorted DumplingsYou are receiving this letter due to having recently been terminated for alleged exposure to the Coronavirus (COVID-19). It has come to our attention that recently terminated employees have filed a civil lawsuit against NSM Industries and Friends Co. for “wrongful termination” and “theft of personal property”. After minutes of mediation we have negotiated a settlement with the aforementioned party and have agreed to the following terms:
- We will rehire all terminated employees at a 15% raise in salary. Given that we don’t pay any of you I think it is more than generous.
- We will relax our current punitive policies in regards to sanitation. We will keep our current cleanliness standards but will no longer launch suspected infected employees into the sun.
- We will also establish a less intrusive system for our “work”-from-home initiative. Using your actual homes will be acceptable for those of you unable to commute to Ganymede.
- Unfortunately we will be unable to return all of your personal property as we have repurposed it into a large statue depicting the scene from the Super Mario Bros. movie where Bob Hoskins loses the will to live.
- You will also each be given a personalized bottle of hand sanitizer to reflect how important you all are to the company. There won’t be any sanitizer actually in the bottles, however, as we used all of our supply as lubricant for all of our doors.
- Lastly, as a token of apology, you will all receive a $10 gift certificate to Woolworths.
I sincerely hope we can all learn and grow from this experience as we move forward to provide our customers with the high quality products they’ve come to expect from us. Welcome back to the team.
From the desk of Maestro “I Can’t Find My Taco” Wiggins, CCO of NSM Industries and Friends Co.
NOTICE: FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY. DO NOT SEND TO NON-EMPLOYEES.
