[DELETED] [SW] Paper Mario: The Origami King - "The Fanged Fastener" by ManOfDucks

Started by Zeta, May 13, 2021, 05:37:12 PM

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Zeta

Submission Information:

Series: Paper Mario
Game: Paper Mario: The Origami King
Console: Nintendo Switch
Title: The Fanged Fastener
Instrumentation Solo Piano
Arranger: ManOfDucks


Zeila

Nice job \m/

  • m8 last eighth note sounds like a tied G# power chord instead of Gn
  • m9 instead of four D's on beat 4, there's a pickup on beat 4.5 that goes C-E# on top and A-C on the bottom. The A-C one sounds a lot more prominent to me, but you could go with either choice
  • m16 RH second quarter note should be an eighth note tied to another eighth note
  • m17 RH beat 3-4 notes should be En-D-En-D-F instead of F-En-F-En-F#
  • m25 RH I think it would be nice to include the notes Bn, A, G, and F# to fill it out more
  • m36-37 RH flip the articulations here so that they're on the notehead side
  • m40 instead of using another dotted quarter note, show beat 3 here
  • m41 RH flip the tie on the bottom note so that it points down
  • m58-59 RH missing G and F# on top
  • m60 I believe it is standard to avoid staccatos on dotted notes in simple time signatures

ManOfDucks

Quotem8 last eighth note sounds like a tied G# power chord instead of Gn

I'm assuming you mean having that last 8th note tied to the first 8th note of measure 9. If that's not what you meant then this comment probably doesn't make sense: I hear a distinct difference in pitch between those two notes, and I'm also hearing two separate attacks for those counts. It's kind of muddy in the guitar part, but I think it's easier to hear in the bass part.

Quotem9 instead of four D's on beat 4, there's a pickup on beat 4.5 that goes C-E# on top and A-C on the bottom. The A-C one sounds a lot more prominent to me, but you could go with either choice

I've listened and listened to this part, but I can't seem to hear what you're referring to? What I'm hearing is sixteenth pickups in whatever electronic instrument is doubling the guitar melody that begins in the next measure.

Quotem16 RH second quarter note should be an eighth note tied to another eighth note

I like this idea, I think it makes the syncopated rhythm a little easier on the eyes :) Fixed!

Quotem17 RH beat 3-4 notes should be En-D-En-D-F instead of F-En-F-En-F#

Boom fixed.

Quotem25 RH I think it would be nice to include the notes Bn, A, G, and F# to fill it out more

Nice ear! I completely missed those notes on my first time through!

Quotem36-37 RH flip the articulations here so that they're on the notehead side

All of the articulations on my end are on the notehead side. MSF was having some issues with articulations in another one of my sheets because he was using a different version of Finale than me, could that be causing the issue?

Quotem40 instead of using another dotted quarter note, show beat 3 here
m41 RH flip the tie on the bottom note so that it points down

Done and done!

Quotem58-59 RH missing G and F# on top

I hear what you're talking about in measure 59, but I can't hear it in measure 58.

Quotem60 I believe it is standard to avoid staccatos on dotted notes in simple time signatures

Thank you for the advice, I switched it to a staccato 8th note followed by a sixteenth rest.

Thank you for the helpful feedback!

Zeila

Quote from: ManOfDucks on June 03, 2021, 11:58:49 AMI'm assuming you mean having that last 8th note tied to the first 8th note of measure 9. If that's not what you meant then this comment probably doesn't make sense: I hear a distinct difference in pitch between those two notes, and I'm also hearing two separate attacks for those counts. It's kind of muddy in the guitar part, but I think it's easier to hear in the bass part.
That is what I meant. I tried listening to that part and I still can't hear it that way, but I'll take your word for it

Quote from: ManOfDucks on June 03, 2021, 11:58:49 AMI've listened and listened to this part, but I can't seem to hear what you're referring to? What I'm hearing is sixteenth pickups in whatever electronic instrument is doubling the guitar melody that begins in the next measure.
I'm hearing this, although the top part is pretty faint (and I was wrong about it being C-E#, oops):
You cannot view this attachment.
You could just omit the bottom notes here, and if you do change it to this, then put the mf on the pickup part

Quote from: ManOfDucks on June 03, 2021, 11:58:49 AMNice ear! I completely missed those notes on my first time through!
Thanks! That happens to me a lot too :') and it's easier to edit and catch things when a song is more fresh instead of after listening to one for so long

Quote from: ManOfDucks on June 03, 2021, 11:58:49 AMAll of the articulations on my end are on the notehead side. MSF was having some issues with articulations in another one of my sheets because he was using a different version of Finale than me, could that be causing the issue?
Oh you're right. I just auto-hit yes when it prompts me to adjust articulations whenever I open a file from an older version of Finale, and the default position must mess with those. I did notice that in measure 33 it looks a bit off though, and I think it would be better to flip beats 3-4 in the LH there so you could still have staccatos on the notehead side without interfering with the ledger lines. It would also take up less space. In measures 29 and 31, it might be better to flip the staccatos to the stem side, but that could be up to you

Quote from: ManOfDucks on June 03, 2021, 11:58:49 AMThank you for the helpful feedback!
You're welcome! One other thing though is that in measure 40, you should also show beat 3 on the second layer (so the quarter note under that tied eighth should be an eighth note tied to another eighth note). Sorry for not explaining it fully!

ManOfDucks

QuoteI'm hearing this, although the top part is pretty faint (and I was wrong about it being C-E#, oops):

I still can't find this part, could you tell me which voice you're hearing it in? I might just not be picking it out of the texture.

Quoteput the mf on the pickup part

I did change this though!

QuoteOh you're right. I just auto-hit yes when it prompts me to adjust articulations whenever I open a file from an older version of Finale, and the default position must mess with those. I did notice that in measure 33 it looks a bit off though, and I think it would be better to flip beats 3-4 in the LH there so you could still have staccatos on the notehead side without interfering with the ledger lines. It would also take up less space. In measures 29 and 31, it might be better to flip the staccatos to the stem side, but that could be up to you

Fixed these!

QuoteYou're welcome! One other thing though is that in measure 40, you should also show beat 3 on the second layer (so the quarter note under that tied eighth should be an eighth note tied to another eighth note). Sorry for not explaining it fully!

No need to apologize, I'm the one that overlooked it :P

It should be fixed now!

Zeila

Quote from: ManOfDucks on June 03, 2021, 09:46:28 PMI still can't find this part, could you tell me which voice you're hearing it in? I might just not be picking it out of the texture.
I went ahead and tried editing it in AudioStretch to hear it better because I couldn't hear the four D's you were talking about in the same electronic instrument that doubles the guitar melody, and it seems like it goes D-C-D-F instead of D-D-D-D or eighth rest-D-F (check out Latios's AudioStretch guide if you've never used it before and would like to). Sorry for all the flip-flopping! It's hard to tell at this section... I personally lowered it an octave and slowed it down to 50%, but you could try something else. Aside from that, there's a harmony line with a similar voice below it too that goes up to the end of m16. If you still can't hear and don't agree, then you can just leave it for now and see what other people think. That would be for the best tbh

Also, my comment about moving the mf was only for the case where you'd only use two sixteenth notes instead of four, because now it's on top of the LH hit too when I think that should stay at forte. And since that case is off the table now, you could move it back if that would be what you'd prefer

Good work once again :>

ManOfDucks

QuoteI went ahead and tried editing it in AudioStretch to hear it better because I couldn't hear the four D's you were talking about in the same electronic instrument that doubles the guitar melody, and it seems like it goes D-C-D-F instead of D-D-D-D or eighth rest-D-F (check out Latios's AudioStretch guide if you've never used it before and would like to). Sorry for all the flip-flopping! It's hard to tell at this section... I personally lowered it an octave and slowed it down to 50%, but you could try something else.

I've never heard of AudioStretch before, but after putting the piece in I definitely agree it's not 4 Ds! The second note to me sounds like it goes up then back down so I settled on D-Eb-D for the first three. The fourth one is the faintest for me to hear but I'll trust your judgment and put it as an F!

QuoteSorry for all the flip-flopping!

No need to apologize this is a devil measure.

QuoteAlso, my comment about moving the mf was only for the case where you'd only use two sixteenth notes instead of four, because now it's on top of the LH hit too when I think that should stay at forte. And since that case is off the table now, you could move it back if that would be what you'd prefer

Makes sense, I moved the mf back to its original position.

QuoteGood work once again :>

Thanks, I appreciate it!

mastersuperfan

This is really good! Some notes from me:
- I hear m8 LH beats 1-2 as two quarter notes (same chord repeated) instead of one half note.
- Any reason why the grace notes are slurred in m6/26 but not elsewhere?
- Here's what I'm hearing for the harmonies in m20 RH:
Image

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- Beat 4.5 of m24 RH should be a D instead of a C. There's also a G# harmony on beat 4.5 as well.
- At the end of m27/29/etc. LH, I hear both staccato notes as an A, rather than the first one being a Bb.
- I'd recommend against using a tenuto on m34 RH beat 4.5; since the note's already tied, there's no need to add a tenuto to distinguish it from the surrounding staccato notes. IMO it just adds clutter here.
- I think the RH slurs in m34-36 would make more sense if they ended on the staccato note, rather than on the note directly before.
- A lot of people wouldn't be able to play that interval in m34-37 LH, and even if you can reach it, it still looks pretty tough. Maybe consider finding a way to make it more accessible.
- m36-37 LH beats 1.5 and 2.5 should be G# instead of A.
- I hear m37 RH beat 4 as a quarter note rather than two eighths.
- I hear m39 RH beat 4 as two eighths rather than a quarter.
- I'd suggest moving m40 LH beat 2 (the Layer 2 eighth note) a little left so that the sharp in Layer 1 isn't colliding with the ledger line.
- Personally, I don't feel that m40-41 is dissonant enough in the original to warrant the minor seconds here—I feel like it obscures the chord progression and doesn't sound great on piano—but this is up to you.
- If you do keep m40-41 as is, then in m41, move the C# grace note a bit to the left so the tie is more visible.
- Left parenthesis is colliding with the sharp in m42 and m46.
- m42/46 feel a little bare without much going on in the LH rhythmically—I find the percussion in those measures really interesting (dotted quarter - 16th-16th - quarter - quarter), maybe consider adding in notes to emulate it?
- I hear m49 LH Layer 1 beat 3 as an E instead of a C#. Beat 1 might also be an E instead of a D, hard to tell with that one.
- I'd strongly recommend filling out the RH in m42-57 with chord harmonies on the downbeats/strong notes. It's the climax of the piece and it feels too hollow to me right now when the RH is nothing but octaves the whole way through.
- Maybe mp instead of p in m61? I can see the appeal of the drastic dynamic change, but I feel like p gives the wrong impression about the section—it's still energetic and driving with just a minor lull in volume, not an abrupt tone shift to soft and quiet.
Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on February 11, 2016, 03:00:36 PMthere's also a huge difference in quality between 2000 songs and 2010 songs
Quote from: Latios212 on February 11, 2016, 03:29:24 PMThe difference between 2000 songs and 2010 songs is 10 songs.

Libera

I'm going to archive this one.  If you get back, feel free to resubmit it with the above changes addressed.