LH throughout: I decided to go a different direction from your examples to mimic some of the the rhythms of the percussion in the original. Wondering what you think of this? It results in many of the notes not being octaves, for playability's sake.
Okay! I think what I was was recommending might be slightly easier overall, but this pattern you've gone with seems to work for representing the percussion
m3 RH: I want to keep the D under the An for a fuller sound here.
This is fine with me. Normally not big on "arranged" notes for this site outside of adding octaves, but adding an octave doesn't really work here.
m10 RH: Still hearing the notes in beat 4.5 in the octave they're written.
Relistening, I hear as you have
More beaming• m5 RH the whole rest on 3.0 should be a half rest followed by a quarter rest and then a half rest. This better shows that 7/4, 4/3 distribution.
• m12 RH, given the 7/4 split, the half note on beat 4.5 should be an 8th note tied to a dotted quarter. The new 8th would also beam just like m11's 4.0 and 4.5.
• Also, for m13 RH, the dotted quarter note rest on 3.0 should be a quarter and 8th rest. In all quarter note time signatures (ex. 4/4, 3/4, 7/4), dotted quarter rests are a bit irregular. Believe it or not, for the LH, the dotted half rest is also not usually suggested in quarter note time, because it is clearer to tell the beats if you write this as a quarter rest followed by a half rest.
• m22 RH, I think the top/1st layer needs to have the Cn on beat 4.5 made a part of it split into a 3rd layer. Still face the same direction, but do this so the Gn in first layer that starts on beat 2.5 should be a an 8th note, then tied to a half note. Also, the lower/2nd layer note starting on beat 1.0 should be a dotted half tied to an 8th note.
- to spare the trouble of following everything, I did make this screenshot of how this should look, but I wanted to provide the description as well.
• m23 RH, this measure also needs some beaming work. Not to make this hard on you, but let's see if you can apply some of the stuff from previous examples here as a first go through; for starting point, I would split this into two layers though, (the top notes, the Bn, Cn, and the three 8th's at the end should be the first layer, the bottom notes I haven't mentioned as the bottom layer).
Notes and Other stuff• m18 not hearing the 2nd layer notes (the Dn and E)n
• m17 beat 7.5 I hear an 8th note length En, and m18 1.0 sounds like an 8th rest.
• m20 RH beat 6.5 An to the end these sound staccatoed as well. I guess in that case the slur could also be removed here
• m20 also sounds more like 8th rest for beat 1.0 RH
• m24 RH 3.5 hearing an An 8th note
• m25 maybe you could lower the mp a little, that way it's centered evenly between the notes as opposed to the two staffs (looks a tad neater that way).
Let me know if you have any questions on anything!