Emergence (Final Update - 28.03.12)

Started by Cobraroll, March 27, 2009, 03:33:04 PM

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Cobraroll

#30
Chapter twelve, part two

The next morning, Emily called. I had forgot that I had promised to call, but she had been busy anyways. She asked if she could come visit me, to return the Pokémon, meet my parents, and deliver a present.
"...see you at 12, then!", she said, and hung up.
12! Just one and a half hour... I had missed her, hadn't really talked to her since last month, not about the usual everyday stuff. But I'd be happy with a little more time as well, I hadn't mentioned her to mom and dad yet, and I didn't have any present for her. I had bought some for Matt, Edvard and Andy yesterday, and had thought about buying something for Emily too, but I had no clue about what to give her. As this was the day before Christmas Eve, the shops hadn't opened yet, and I was still clueless. I decided to give the present top priority. If Emily turned up unannounced, so be it, I could handle grumpy parents, but getting Emily angry again was one of the things I least wanted to happen. However, I still had no clue...

"Gift, eh?", Espeon said.
"Preferrably in half an hour or less", I answered. "Do you think I could give her..."
"This should do", Espeon said and found something in my bag. It was a small black case, about the size of a shoe. It looked like it was made out of plastic, but felt like some sort of stone to the touch.
"You haven't used it yet, and the case hasn't got many scratches either. I'd still wrap it up, though"
"What is it?"
"Open and see for yourself".
I did. The case contained a small glass flute, looking like it was carved out of amber. It was a transparent golden colour, and looked extremely frail. No wonder why I hadn't used it - it looked like it would break if I played it.
"A Yellow Flute", Espeon said. "Hand-blown from ash falling from Mt. Chimney. Its tune will cease confusion. You won't get a better gift in any shop in this city."
"Wow", I said. "But... if all the flutes are made from the same ash, how come they are in different colours, never mind the effect?"
"You see", Espeon said. "The glassblower will require 500 units of ash to make a flute. That's about two and a half kilogram. The flute itself only requires a kilogram. He'll keep the rest of it, usually making ornaments he can sell. The guy needs a living as well, you know. He'll also mix in some ingredients to make the colour, and the reel is made from Persim wood. Whether or not it adds to the effect, I don't know"
"I'm sure Emily will like it. I hope so, at least. Anyways, better get started wrapping", I said and ran upstairs, not even bothering to put Espeon back in her ball.

I had to ask mom to find the gift wrapping paper. I had never been any good at wrapping up things, this year, I had tried to be smart, and bought some fancy gift-bags, but typically enough, there was none left now.
"I thought you were done with the presents?", mom said. Typical. You ask a question, get an interrogation.
"I had forgot one", I said.
"Don't you have more bags?"
"No. And I don't have a lot of time, she'll..." Darn.
"I had waited for that one", mom said. "You know, I saw you that night you went to the cinema. I had to get something at the office, and drove past you on your way home. It didn't seem like you saw me. I think you make a nice couple, and was wondering when you'd introduce her"
I felt my face get red and hot. "Mom..."
"Bottom drawer, next to the fridge. Use the red paper, and don't forget a ribbon. You'll find tape in the drawer above"
Mums. You can always count on them.

Emily greeted me with a kiss on my cheek as she crossed the doorstep.
"Nice to see you again!", she beamed, acting like she hadn't seen me in weeks. She introduced herself to mom (dad wasn't home), and talked a lot more than she normally did.
"Here's your present. I hope you like it, I've travelled across the land, been searching far and wide to find it.", she said as we handed each other the Christmas presents. It was nice to be together with her under normal circumstances again, once again being able to talk freely to her. I think she, mom and me spent two full hours just sitting in the sofa, talking. Then mom had a few more errands to run, and had to go.
"So it's official, then?", I asked Emily as I heard mom drive close the door behind her.
"Unless I was just dreaming that you kissed me, I guess so", she giggled back.
"Not sure if it was more than a dream, myself, actually", I said.
"I have a witness, remember", Emily said. "Here, not sure which is Gardevoir's"
She handed me four Poké Balls.
"Four? I only missed three of them"
"Do you think you're the only one who can track down these? Gardevoir is fairly adept in finding things, and a Grass Type in the winter isn't that hard to catch up with", she said with a huge smile.
"But when...?"
"Thursday night. To get out of here unnoticed a little easier, we went under Gardevoir's invisibility bubble. We had walked a few hundred meters when we found this one sitting in a tree, freezing its tail off. So we simply went back and found its ball"
"Which one is it?"
"No idea. Looks like a green dinosaur. Septic-something"
"Sceptile", I said. "Thanks for finding it, I thought it would be a nightmare to track down. You didn't see it jump, did you?"
"It didn't look like it was in a jumpy mood. More like 'sitting-in-a-tree-looking-grumpy-and-waiting-for-spring'-mood"
We both laughed. And like that, the conversation went on...

"I'm happy", I thought as I lay in bed that night, and December 24th, Christmas Eve, was less than five minutes away. My stomach feeling had betrayed me before, trouble had always lurked around the next corner, but now, I was perfectly sure that it would take a lot more than game monsters to separate Emily and me again. OK, we might run into a few obstacles along the way, but I was sure we could handle everything now.
Together.

(End of chapter 12)

Last, a personal note. This would have been up yesterday, if I hadn't accidentally changed page without changing tab. I had to look up a word in the last paragraph, and everything was gone when I clikced "back". Thus, this is entirely rewritten from memory. From now on, I'll write this in Word before copypasting into the reply box.

Now well. We learn from mistakes, after all.
Emergence - a story exclusive to NSM

Yes, I'm still around from time to time. For quicker response, you can reach me by PM, or drop by Smogon to say hi. I go by "Codraroll" there, because of a bet.

SirIngusBingus

This story deserves more than an obscure internet forum. You should try to circulate it a bit.

My only criticism is the pacing-it seems like this is still the introduction, but we're in chapter 12. Try to make a main conflict clear, and have the main character actively work at resolving it. (I know that the main conflict is that the Pokemon need to be recaptured, but it's not...enough. You need an antagonist.)

Note: Just because I'm criticizing you doesn't mean I don't like the story; I love it. But from a critic's point of view, it should be better, with your awesome writing skills. Right now, I'd give it a 7.5-8/10 (Which is good-compare that score to, say, The Chronicles of Narnia.) Add that negative force, and the score would jump easily to an 8.5.

By the way, your character development on Rob is top-knotch, but perhaps you could do something to cause the Pokemon to develop more distinct personalities? They're all very similar-formal and emotionless. Just because they're Pokemon doesn't mean they can't show emotions-think of, for example, Meowth or Pikachu on the TV show.

Once again, I want to make sure you understand that I, myself, love the story, and I'm rooting for you. I just figured I'd try to be more helpful this time, by critiquing you. Don't you dare take it personally.

GreekGeek

The shitty thing is this story deserves a place where more people come. But if you place it under Cobrarolls Submission, the thread will be removed.

I think Bingus is right with the things he says, but actually I wouldn't mind if this was just the introduction, because it means I can read more of this fantastic story :D

I'd give it a 9 ;)

 

dahans

Check out my arrangements! I mean it! Check them out!

SirIngusBingus


SuperFireKirby

Just read the frst part of it and so far its really good.

Quote from: Mashi on March 26, 2013, 05:54:37 PMAfter viewing both FMA:Brotherhood and Naruto Shippuden, it would be frivolous to even consider watching an anime as unbearably mediocre as Melancholy. NARUTOxHINATA 4 LYFE!!!


GreekGeek

All the people who read it, liked it a lot so kudos :D

SuperFireKirby

Cobra, put this on a fan fiction site or better yet. When you have completed it, unless your are already done with it, tweak it some and send to a publisher or agent to let them take a look at it.

Quote from: Mashi on March 26, 2013, 05:54:37 PMAfter viewing both FMA:Brotherhood and Naruto Shippuden, it would be frivolous to even consider watching an anime as unbearably mediocre as Melancholy. NARUTOxHINATA 4 LYFE!!!

Cobraroll

#39
Woo! Many new readers! And constructive critisism! Thanks a lot! May I adress some of the things you said before I continue the story? I find your feedback very helpful.

First, what you said about the Pokémon being too formal. I have seen that too, but I found it a bit hard to cope with. You see, the Pokémon he's able to communicate with are all psychics. And I've always pictured those as being cold and calm, formal if you like, all the time. Metagross in particular looks and behaves quite seriously in canon, and I couldn't really make him any different here. Espeon as well, I tried making her a bit less "stiff", but again, she's a top trained Psychic type and not really very emotional. Also, they are used to Rob as a game character, compared to him, the real Rob knows very little about training, which the Pokémon see as a little helpless.
The other Pokémon can only speak a few words, this isn't really enough to describe their behaviour on. They are also a little limited in usability, partially because of this, so they don't get as much "screen-time" as the others.
See the Pokémon animé, for example. None of the main characters ever owned a Pokémon that was able to communicate with the humans. If any of them had one, if would completely overshadow the other Pokémon, or behave just like a human (Meowth). They managed it well with Lucario in the 8th movie, but in the long run, it would never work. The animé is dependant on the Pokémon not being able to communicate to make them interesting, but this story would have been hopeless to write without anyone to tell Rob what to do.

Then, the pacing/main problem. I have also seen this, but it's been kinda hard to come up with an antagonist. The Pokémon are strong and determined enough to take out any single person or secrecy leak quite easily, and a full leak would put the entire story to a turning point too early. And as for main problem, I hoped that the mass outbreak would do as main mission. For a while...
And as the entire story is told from Rob's point of view, it's hard to tell whether someone has found out or not...

And as for publicion (sp?), well, Pokémon are copyrighted, so I could never get it out in physical form without giving all the rights to Nintendo through an awefully complicated juridical process. And on fanfiction sites, there are lots of stories that are tens of times better than this, so this would be pretty average if I brought it to a story-dedicated place. I think it would be best if I kept it to NSM for now. Perhaps it will draw a few people here as well?

P.S.: Please tell me if you find any plot holes or similiar, dates not aligning, or contradicting statements. For example, I've found a few places where names are wrong, and am working to fix these. I guess getting the number of Pokémon right will be a pain later in the story, but other things may screw this up even worse, so I need your help to spot any mistakes before the story relies too heavily on them to be correct. Also, I have started writing this in Notepad, to have backup, but Notepad screws up line breaks big time. So if you see anything looking a bit awkward (line breaks in the middle of sentences, paragraphs split a sentence too early, etc.), tell me and I'll fix it. Contact me through PM or post it here.

P.P.S.: Is it OK if I reply to this topic from time to time without adding a new chapter? It's a bit easier that way, but it clogs up the topic more. Have your say!


Chapter thirteen: Red alert

Christmas Eve. That day when people without a family to celebrate with become painfully aware of just that. Both mom and dad were lone children, so was I. All my grandparents were dead as well, so it was just us three who sat in the living room eating the Christmas dinner. Again. It had started to become a tradition, but none of us really liked it, just being the three of us. But this year, we were all happy that I had woken up before Christmas, so the mood was a little lighter than normal.
As the carol CD mom had put on played over again for the third time, we all agreed that we had had enough food, and turned on the TV to see the usual Christmas programs. I might have seen it fifteen times already, but Dinner for One still made me crack up.
"Should I freeze the leftovers, or put them in the fridge for anyother day?", mom said from the kitchen.
"Fridge", I replied. When mom put something in the fridge "to have for dinner tomorrow", we usually found it covered in green fur six weeks later. Still, I didn't protest, as I had started bringing it down to the Pokémon. It wasn't a mouthful to everyone, but still better than whatever they ate inside the balls, and I felt that food should be my responsibility.
"I'll fix it tomorrow", I thought. Tonight was not a time to think about the Pokémon. We sat talking, watching TV and eating until around midnight, then, I went to sleep.

I found myself in a small, brightly lit chamber. It was featureless apart from a hatch in the ceiling, and a firmly locked door in the back wall, otherwise, most of the walls were a bright white. The chamber wasn't big, only two meters square, with one and a half meter under the ceiling. One of the walls was transparent like glass, but a lot harder and it hurt to touch it. On the other side of it, in a corridor filled with similiar cages, stood a man dressed in a black suit.
"A dream", I thought. "But a very lifelike one". Because of my previous experiences with dreams, I had read a bit on the subject and found out how to distinguish them from reality. In this case, I could move my arms, and I could feel my pillow if I concentrated hard enough, but nothing happened in the dream.
"Release me", a voice said. It was appearently I who spoke.
"Release you?", the man said, acting surprised. "Why? Your lot is the most interesting thing that has happened to our agency since... Tim, when did Bigfoot die again?" He turned away from the cage to hear the answer from someone out of sight, giving me a moment to rest and think. Agency. Of course, the man was the very stereotype of a Man In Black. Even the sunglasses and a gun in his belt.
"...since 1994. Now, tell me?"
"Release me", my voice repeated. "Release all of us. You will regret"
"The 'aliens' threatened with the same things in 1947", the man whispered. "They were from a highly developed race. But there were only three of them, and one was dead when we found them. Someone should have told the dreamer, saucers can't fly"
"I'm no alien"
"They weren't either. Like you, they were the result of someone's fantasy. And even if their civilisation had developed those powerful lasers... they had none with them"
"I don't need weapons", I said. The man started glowing blue, rising slightly from the floor. He reached for something in his pocket, and the entire dream started to flicker. He dropped down again.
"You don't like electricity, do you?", the man said, smiling. "Good"
"Who are you?", I asked.
"As if we're telling you that", the man snorted. "To you, we'll be your hosts for the rest of your life. To your dreamer... we're bad news"
"Dreamer?", I thought.
"That means you", a voice in my head said.
"Who are you?", I thought again. The image of the man disappeared, leaving me in complete darkness.
"At the moment, I'm your eyes and ears. I'm the one going through this. Right now"
"What kind of a workaholic works at this time of Christmas Eve?", I blurted out. Perhaps not the smartest question to ask, but it was the first thing I could think of.
"You may wonder. Something sounds fishy here. Him, and the entire agency, is kinda surreal"
"Who are you?", I repeated. "A Pokémon?"
"Correct", the voice said, clearer than before. I was now standing on a dark floor, surrounded by darkness in all directions. I could see my body as in bright daylight, but nothing illuminated the surroundings. And a few meters in front of me, something was floating in the air. This "something" could be described as a purple head wearing a wide-brimmed hat and a very torn dress. Actually, it was little else than a green or purple-ish hat with a head wearing it, and something that resembled a dress hung from the head. It had huge yellow eyes, a small mouth shaped like a W, and no nose. It was a bizarre, and quite eerie sight.
Mismagius.
"What happened?", I asked. "How did they catch you?"
"From behind, that's all I know", it said. "I was hiding in an abandoned building out in the forest, and suddenly, everything went black. Next thing I knew, I was in that cage"
"You're a ghost, can't you escape?"
"I suppose so", Mismagius replied. "But others are caught as well. I'll be of more use like this. I can tell you what's going on here, if only when you're dreaming"
"Others?"
"A few other Pokémon. No idea who. I can't get contact with them. But I know there's about a dozen of them"
I was in shock. It was hard enough to retrieve the Pokémon alone, but when someone else wanted them as well...
"I'll come get you. I promise. Keep me updated", I said.
"He has gone now", Mismagius said. "I couldn't get more out of him. I have nothing more to say now. Good night"
Everything went black.

The dream - or rather, vision - had really scared me, but next morning, I had other things to think about. It was Christmas Day after all. I rushed downstairs to find my presents. I got a few books from Matt and Andy, and a 50-kilogram sack of dry cat food from Edvard ("This was on sale. No idea what you may do with it, but you can join forces with Matt, Dave and Andy to find out. They have also gotten one. Because I'm like that", a letter taped to it wrote).
"Out of ninety Pokémon, at least one is bound to like this", I thought. Edvard hadn't bought me an as useless present as planned, then.
Mom and dad had bought me various clothes (too big), and a new mobile phone. And last, but certainly not least, the present from Emily. It was a rather large parcel, held together by strands of tape practically everywhere. The first thing I found when I opened the outer layer of paper, was a card saying: "That cave desperately needs a woman's touch". Smiling, I browsed through the rest of the items laying in a heap inside the wrapping: A series of framed photos, a large roll of duct tape, some cleaning eqipment, paint, and a small lamp. And at the bottom, a card with the text "We'll buy some more later, when I come over to help you". All in all a nice present, but I wondered what to tell mom I got from her. Now well, there was a time for every problem. Right now, I had something to tell someone.

"This place really needs expansion", was the first thing I managed to say. The cavern was chock-full of Pokémon, a few had to sit in the tunnels, the Eeveelutions were lying on the shelves, and I was sitting on the stool that I had had to put on the table to make room. Tyranitar, Aggron, Salamence and Metagross took most of the floor space, and the rest had to find room wherever it was.
"We know that", Espeon said. "This was the big announcement you had to make?"
"No", I said, then took a pause. "We've been discovered. Mismagius contacted me in my sleep tonight. About a dozen Pokémon have been caught by some unknown agency, and I don't think they have good intentions for us". There was a general noise of snarling and gasping from the crowd.
"Which means, we'll have to work quickly to find the rest of you before they do, and to find out as much as possible about them. There's no way I'm going to let the government take you away from me"
Everyone was silent, looking at me.
"Any questions?", I asked. Hitmonchan raised a gloved hand. "Yes?"
"Mon-mon-mon chan. Chan chan chan mon. Hit. Mon. Chan"
"Translate, someone", I sighed.
"He asks if you think they have discovered us here. If you have been marked, you may need bodyguards. And a good escape plan"
"I have thought about that. And I have no idea if they've found us or not. But my belt takes six Poké Balls, I have decided to keep a full team with me at all times. With a jacket on, no one will notice. And if they do..."
"Peeeeerrt", Swampert said.
"Who'll be with you?", Gardevoir translated.
"Depends on the situation. Someone who can fly, someone who can talk, a heavy fighter or two, and someone to deliver messages. Ideally"
"Taaarr", was Tyranitar's usual entry to the conversation. This time, it turned out to mean: "What about this place?"
"We need someone on guard, at all times. Given the amount of Dark types we have here, it shouldn't be a problem with an around-the-clock-system. We should also reinforce the entrances, but I guess that'll have to wait until we get hold of a good digger"
A low, humming tone. It was Umbreon.
"He asks about Emily", Gardevoir said. "Should we guard her as well?"
"I'll have to talk to her about it first", I said, noticing that the thought of the men in black abducting her made me shiver.
"But we have to act, and soon, if we want to be the ones getting to the Pokémon first. Who of you can travel undetected in broad daylight?" Umbreon and Sceptile raised a limb.
"Sceptile can search the forest, Umbreon can manage the sewer system", Espeon explained "Both are experts at traveling stealthly"
"Good, but I need you to travel in pairs. If one is detected, the other gets home. If you're convinced that you can take the fight, ambush", I said. "Beautifly, you go with Sceptile, Swampert, you pair up with Umbreon. Espeon and Gardevoir, have contact with them at all times. Do you all go well together?"
Nodding from the six I had adressed.
"Good. We'll start early mornings, and around dusk throughout the holiday. Short but intense periods, we need to avoid being out at the most crowded times, and you have to be back regulary, so that we know early if anything goes wrong. I'm sure we will find something. But not today. It's too late to start now, and I have other things to take care of this evening". I took a pause when I saw the disappointed looks of the search teams. I continued:
"So for now, it's hackertime. Metagross, find out everything you can about these folks. We know they have a physical HQ somewhere, and that they speak the language of this country. I've been told that telepathy adresses people's own speech center, so that the person being talked to always hear words in a language he knows. The guy replied to Mismagius in this language, so he's from here somewhere"
"Confirmed", Metagross said. "You've started to learn"
"Go through the government files first, start with the budget. They need contractors to supply materials for any evil lairs, and money to pay them, so check out for orders that seem suspiciously large for the scale of the assigned project. If you find any orders for a $1000 hammer, we've got them"
I had another look at the other Pokémon, who in turn stared back. Obviously, they hadn't much of a clue about what I was talking about. The air was starting to dense as well, so I took a pause to call them all back to their balls.
"And what if it isn't governmental?"
"Then start to look at architect companies. Someone has to draw the plans for an evil lair, or what? If that fails as well, money transactions. I'm sure you'll stumble across a lot of economic crime here, but keep looking anyways. Unless that artist who sings in the new candy commercial is involved, of course. Feel free to wreak havoc with him" Dang. Now that song would be on my mind for the rest of the week...
"I'll do my best", Metagross replied. "But it will take a lot of time"
"Take your time", I replied. "I may find out more tonight. But I have to go now. Breakfast"
"By the way", Metagross said behind me as I walked up the tunnel. "What are those 'other things you had to take care of' tonight?"
"Dinner with some of mom's friends", I said. "And they're boring as last week's 'What's on TV tonight'-magazine"
"Best of luck, then", Metagross chuckled.
"It's not like there's a lot to do down here either", I replied. Metagross shrugged.
"Unlimited Internet access, you know", he said. "I have plenty of entertainment thanks to your extensive piracy"
Laughing, with the image of Metagross searching PirateBay for movies in my head, I went upstairs to fulfill the rest of today's chores. Tomorrow, we would start being serious. Stereotypical secret agency or not, these guys had no idea about what was expecting them. And vice versa.
Emergence - a story exclusive to NSM

Yes, I'm still around from time to time. For quicker response, you can reach me by PM, or drop by Smogon to say hi. I go by "Codraroll" there, because of a bet.

GreekGeek

Short, but great. I can totally depict the cavern with all the Pokémon, which means it's well-written.
No strange things with line breaks or stuff.
And maybe it's for the best if this story stays within NSM indeed...

SirIngusBingus

I am very glad you took my request for a bit of emotion into account, particularly with Metagross at the end. He's already a lot more likable.

The whole 'secret base' that Rob has going is very vivid, and really cool. One question, though: do you think you could occasionally give an approximate number of pokemon he's caught? I was unsure in that last scene there.

The dream with Mismagus was a bit hard to follow (it wasn't always clear who was talking). But the addition of antagonists is awesome! I'm happy you decided to do that. I'm thinking the Agency needs to have a Pokemon or two working for them. Heck, you could turn the Agency into Team Rocket or something and it would probably work really well.

There was a typo or two, but nothing major.

QuoteP.P.S.: Is it OK if I reply to this topic from time to time without adding a new chapter? It's a bit easier that way, but it clogs up the topic more. Have your say!
Of course it is! It's your thread, after all!

Cobraroll

#42
^Typo? Where? Tell me! (It sucks not to have a spellchecker, but a spellchecker in my browser would be a pain, due to the amount of "un-checked" words I write every day. Perhaps I should get OO3 to write in, after all)

And the captured Pokémon so far (in chronological order) is:
Tyranitar
Espeon
Metagross
Salamence
Cacturne
Aggron
Gardevoir
Beautifly
Manectric
Houndoom
Umbreon
Leafeon
Swampert
Hitmonchan
Beedrill
Sceptile

As far as I can remember. Adds up to 16 if my "counting at the same as I scroll the mousewheel"-skills don't fail me.
As for the agency, their intentions or organisation is still not revealed. I can tell you this much, they know that it's Pokémon they have to deal with, but I can't say much more. Until next chapter (read: somewhere next week if everything goes well).

P.S: I had some trouble posting this. Beware of double posts!
Emergence - a story exclusive to NSM

Yes, I'm still around from time to time. For quicker response, you can reach me by PM, or drop by Smogon to say hi. I go by "Codraroll" there, because of a bet.

SirIngusBingus

I went back and looked for the 2 typos, but I couldn't find them again. Sorry...if I come across them, I'll let you know.

GreekGeek

Quote from: Cobraroll on May 21, 2009, 12:38:59 PMAnd the captured Pokémon so far (in chronological order) is:
Tyranitar
Espeon
Metagross
Salamence
Cacturne
Aggron
Gardevoir
Beautifly
Manectric
Houndoom
Umbreon
Leafeon
Swampert
Hitmonchan
Beedrill
Sceptile

As far as I can remember. Adds up to 16 if my "counting at the same as I scroll the mousewheel"-skills don't fail me.
I respect you can remember that.