Jokes

[Ruto]

Found a bunch of stuff online while looking for a specific joke. It's like finding $20 in your old shirt pocket

1. A math and engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were both math majors and engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her own train ticket. But the Engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. The engineers ignored the laughter.
Then, one of the engineers said, "Here comes the conductor". All of the engineers piled into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the math majors. He went to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, "Tickets Please". An engineer stuck their only ticket under the door. The conductor took the ticket and left. A few minutes later, the engineers emerged from the bathroom. The math majors felt really stupid.
On the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had ONE ticket for their group. They started snickering at the engineers, who had NO tickets amongst them.
When the engineer lookout shouted, "Conductor coming!", all the engineers again piled into a bathroom. All of the math majors went into another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said, "Ticket please."

2. A boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm an engineering major. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

3. A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

4. An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

5. A bunch of engineers are sitting around at a party, discussing the nature of the God, and who designed women.
The mechanical engineer states that God must also be a mechanical engineer because "if you look at all the pulleys and levers that drive the body, how the tendons and muscles and bones all work together, well, it's just amazing."
The chemical engineer says that no, God has to be a chemical engineer because "if you look at all the chemical processes that drive the body, how the hormones and the brain and the glands and everything else all interact, well, it's just astounding."
The electrical engineer says that no, God has to be an electrical engineer because "if you look at the circuitry of the body, how the thousands upon millions of nerve cells transmit signals from one part to another, well, it boggles the mind."
The civil engineer speaks up last of all and says, no, God is definitely a civil engineer, because "only a civil engineer would run a sewer through a playground. "

6. An artsie, sick of working at Mickey D's for what had seemed an eternitude decided to get a job working as a labourer at a construction site. Being a usual overconfident artsie, he soon began to brag to the other workers about all sorts of things. One day he decided to brag that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of the wiry engineer on the site. After several minutes, the engineer had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," said the engineer. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, little guy!" the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The engineer reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right: Get in."

7. A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[SlowPokemon]

OFFICER: Remember, anything you say can and will be held against you.
KID: TITS!!!

[spitllama]

Cracking up not kidding. Bahahaha

[the_last_sheikah]

The Dali Lama walks into a pizza shop and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"

[SlowPokemon]

Some quotes from the great comedian Steven Wright:

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out." --that one kills me

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

[Nebbles]

I went to a very emotional wedding yesterday.

Even the cake was in tiers.

[Zunawe]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

A train station is where a train stops. A bus station is where a bus stops. My desk is a workstation.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

[FSM-Reapr]

What did a 0 say to an 8?

-Nice belt you got there!

[TheZeldaPianist275]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

A train station is where a train stops. A bus station is where a bus stops. My desk is a workstation.

Some quotes from the great comedian Steven Wright:

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

You two people just made my day.

[FSM-Reapr]

The Mayan calender ends on December 21st, meaning the world's end.
On that day, aliens will come and drop a huge stone tablet on Earth.
Humans ask: "What is this?"
Aliens: The rest of the calender, duh.

[Zunawe]

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?
   A drummer.

What did the drummer get on his SAT?
   Drool.

(Sorry to the drummers)

Also, did you know that there's this really easy way to park in the handicapped spots without getting a ticket? Yeah, all you have to do is hang a saxophone in the window.

[SlowPokemon]

Two thumbs DOWN.

[Kman96]

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?
   A drummer.

What did the drummer get on his SAT?
   Drool.

(Sorry to the drummers)

Also, did you know that there's this really easy way to park in the handicapped spots without getting a ticket? Yeah, all you have to do is hang a saxophone in the window.

I take extreme offense! I tied with three other people in my class for 1st in class!

[Zunawe]

Oh come on. It was supposed to be a friendly band joke. I didn't mean any actual harm, and those instruments could be anything, I just happened to choose those. I'm sorry if it really did seem insulting, because it wasn't supposed to be.

[Olimar12345]

A violist attends a concert one night and is thoroughly impressed. After the concert, he meets with the pianist back stage:
Violist: "I really enjoyed the concert! You were fantastic!"
Pianist: "Thanks, I'm glad you liked it"
V: "I really liked that piece that started with the trills!"
P: "...what do you mean? NONE of them had any trills..."
V: You know, the one that went like this."

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
Neither did I.