My revision of the Bible. Now, before we get into Jesus and Friends, we need some backround info. So we must travel back in time to the MUCH LESS IMPORTANT part of the Bible known as the Old Testament.
Genisis Pt.1:
Now in the beginning it was dark. Then God was like,"Now where did I leave my car keys again?" So he flipped on the light switch and found a ball of dirt. So he was all like,"This is pretty sweet." So he went and washed it off but kept some water on it with his awesome God powers. Then he got out his arts & crafts kit and decorated it with little foam trees and glitter. Then he made a guy out of popsicle sticks and then decided the little stickman needed a bro so he snapped him in half and made a second guy. Then God thought, WAIT I SHOULD MAKE HIM A CHICK. So he snapped off the second little stickman's little stickman. Then he found his car keys and went to the bar to pick up chicks with his newly appointed wingman, Michael. God scored 3 hot Pharma-chicks that night. It was LEGEN - wait for it - DARY.
Now the little stick bro and little stick chick were left alone and all naked. And then a snake came out a bush and told stick chick "Girl, this bro you're hangin out with is a total tool. Did you see him playing that acoustic guitar? If you eat the ham of knowledge from the hambush over you'll turn into a BAZZING! PERFECT TEN, make that 2 perfect tens IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN and you'll be able to get any guy you want!"
Now stick chick thought about this, but then was all "lolkay". So she ate the ham and then gave some to stick bro. Then they gots smarter and become smart enough to figure out the snake was a total dick. God came back over after a VERY active night, if you know what I mean. Then he saw the stick people had EATEN HIS HAM. AND GOD SAYETH TO THE STICK PEOPLES "I'M PISSED." So he whispered into their ears, "Pssssssssss, you guys are naked."
So the stick peoples were all "OHSHIT," and covered themselves with some leaves. Now because God knew The Bro Code back and forth he could not find Stick Bro at fault because of Bro Code Article #2: "A Bro is allowed to do something stupid as long as his fellow bros are doing it." So he only decided to punish Stick Chick and made her less smart, less physically fit, less good at being awesome, as well as many other things. He also made it so wimins had to poop out babies.
Pt.2 coming up soon