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GUYS I FOUND SOMETHING I MADE FOR CLASS ONCE

Started by Mashi, August 21, 2013, 08:55:25 AM

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Mashi

i lied it is actually two things

Spoiler
JAKE WU

Edmodo: I only worship what's natural, not manmade.  Why should I torture myself with man's artificial values when they deny me rights simply for being born a year after my brother?  For being a bastard son?  Why am I called a bastard when my mind and body are on par with any other man's?  Why am I a bastard lowlife?  They brand us with "base," with "baseness," "bastardy," "base," "base;" the words drive me insane!  At least, as a bastard, I was born in a moment of lust and pleasure than by the boring trifles of marriage sex.  Legitimate Edgar, I must have your land.  Our father's love is to the bastard Edmund.  As to the legitimate – Fine word, "legitimate"!  We'll see where your legitimacy brings you when I reveal to father this falsified letter!
Gloucester: (walks in) Kent was banished?  The King of France has left?  King Lear's abdicated his power?  Why is this all happening?  Edmundo, what is going on?
Edmundo: (overtly putting away letter) I don't have a letter!!!
Gloucester: Umm, okay?  Why are you badly trying to hide that letter?
SUPER EDMODO: Ohhh, it's not a letter, it's umm, a piece of paper of no importance!
Gloucester: You were clearly reading it prior, what is it?
Ed: Nothing, my lord!
Gloucester: Give it here, Ed!
Eddy: Well, I guess I'll be insulting you whether I give it to you or not, so it's certainly in my best interest to give it to you. (hands it to him)  I only hope it was a test of my honour.
Gloucester: What the fornication are you talking about?  (reads letter)
"And I feel it be incontrovertible that sanguinary desires of mine prescribe me to entreat you to collude with me in the murder of our beloved father.  I need property because I'm a big fat dummy that flaunts his legitimacy all the time and how much better I am than bastards.  So, my bastard brother, Edward, shall we murder him together."
... What?  Where did you find this, Edison?
Edmodo Again: (lying badly) Umm, the messenger... wait, no, it was Edgar himself!  Err, actually, umm, I just found it in my room lying on the floor.
Gloucester: And you're absolutely sure this is his handwriting?
Eddy: Well, I did have one of the best scribe forgers make it, so yes.
Gloucester: ... What was that?
Ediquette: Umm, umm, I do have one of the best way to find forgers, that's it.  This letter is definitely written by him.
Gloucester: Oh, sounds legit, my illegit son.
But oh, the rascal!  Do you really think he would try to murder me?
Edmund: For his sake, I hope not.  I so much desire that this letter was only testing me.
Gloucester: Has he ever tested you before, Eddy?
Ed's Mod: Nope.  Only that he thinks that sons should coordinate their parents' properties and things.
Gloucester: Foul wretch!  I'll have him arrested and incarcerated!  Abominable villain!  Where is he?
Ed Meister: I do not know, my lord, but I could test him for you when he visits and you can hide over there while having absolutely no idea what the context of our conversation is about.
Gloucester: Sounds good! I just can't believe he would be such a fiend.
Edison: And I'm sure he's not, my lord.
Gloucester: Oh, this fiendish behavior by my son must be the result of the eclipse, yes!  The sun and moon do not bode well.  Disasters always come after eclipses, no matter what science says.  Kings Lear lost his power from senility, Kent is banished for the crime of speaking the truth, ohhh, the wretched eclipse! (hides)
Edmund: My father is a classic example of such idiocy.  My being born on the day of the jerk doesn't mean that I'm a colossal, duplicitous jerk... wait.  Well, whatever, people always use superstition to make themselves feel better about things.  Blame the sun, the moon, the stars, as if they forced us to be bad, or the heavens compelled us to be villainous or stupid.  I was under Ursa Major, so that it follows I am rough and lecherous!  Hark, had the maidenliest star in the firmament twinkled on my bastardizing... Edgar!
Edgar enters.
I need to act professionally and subtly.
Edmund: Siiiigh.  Do re mi fa so la ti do.
Edgar: Umm, are you all right, brother?  What's the matter?
Edmund: An astrologer wrote what the eclipse today would predict.
Edgar: And you believe this?  Since when?
Edmund: When was the last time you met father?
Edgar: Umm, last night.
Edmund: And what did you two talk about?  Did he show any displeasure on his face afterwards?
Edgar: Not that I know of, why?
Edmund: Try to remember, you may have offended him.  Right now, he's so mad, that if he hit you, he would still ragequit.
Edgar: Oh dear!  I fear that someone may have spread lies about me then.
Edmund: I was also afraid of that.  I pray you, have a continent forbearance till the speed of his rage goes slower.  Here's the key to my house.  If you ever decide to go outside, bring a gun.
Edgar: Umm, bring a gun?
Edmund: It's good advice!  Haven't you read about America's Second Amendment and how there are like no gun crimes there because people are afraid to shoot each other?
Edgar: Will I hear from you soon?
Edmund: I do serve you in this business.
Edgar exists.
A credulous father, and a brother noble.  Whose nature is so far from doing harms that he suspects none.  He believes me so easily.  Let me, if not by birth, have lands by wit.  Just as I would see fit.
[close]

Spoiler
Act IV Scene II
JAKE WU: THE SEQUEL
Setting: Outside the palace of the Duke of Albany.
[Goneril and Edm-is a huge jerk-und (the bastard child that was born from his father impregnating someone other than his wife and who is also an illegitimate child and who also wasn't born from a legal mother and did I mention he was a bastard?  Because he's a bastard.) enter]
Tyrannosaurus Gonzales: (flirty) Why, hello there, hot st-, I mean, my lord.  I'm surprised my bland husband didn't meet us along the way here.  Oswald, where's your Master?
Oswald: Inside, ma'am, but he's changed more than any man could.  When I told him the French army had landed, he smiled, when I told him you were to arrive, he responded that it was "the worse," and when I told him about Gloucester's treachery, he called me a "sot" and said I had everything all wrong!
Gone Gone Eril: (to Edmodo) Don't come with me.  He's a coward, unlike you. (twirls hair around finger)  I have to change my appearance when I'm around him (This isn't even my final form!) since I'm a duplicitous jerk, just like you!  We should totally get marri- I mean, we'll entrust Oswald to communicate our  messages to each other.  Messenger pigeons are such a drag.  Lean your head, Edmund. (kisses head) I will be your Mistress in the future, just you wait!
Edmister: Of course, my fair lady.  (exits)
Erilgone: Dearest Glouchester!
(SUPER EDMODO exits)
He's such a hunk.  Too bad that I'm sharing my bed with the fool that's my husband.  Oh, Edmund, you deserve a woman, a woman like me!
Oswald: I would hate to interrupt your perverse fantasies, but my lord is coming, ma'am. (exits)
(Albany enters)
Albany: Gonerasaurus, you are not even worth the dust the wind blows onto your ugly face.  Your evil nature that will go against your own kin!  Soon, you will come to face your just desserts.
Goneril: It takes one to know one!
Albany: ... What?
Goneril: Oh, sorry, I thought you were going to say I was an idiot or something.  Well, whatever, everything you said is foolish.
Albany: Did you even listen to a word I said?  Bah, the evil don't have any respect for wisdom and goodness.  You and your sister are tigers, not daughters.  Your father's a gracious and revered old man who even a choleric bear would lick with affection.  Did his giving you two his kingdom madden him?  If Heaven does not send its angels to tame your heinous actions, humanity will thus be doomed.
Goneril: Hahaha, that's such a stupid thing to say.  That a bear would lick him.  You milk-livered man!  Only a fool would pity victims!  The King of France has his army on our peaceful lands and you only complain and whimper about why without taking any action!
Albany: Watch your words, devil!  We don't notice how deformed the devil's face is, as we imagine it as ugly, but such horrendousness becomes salient on the face of a cruel woman!
Gone 'With the Devil' ril: You arrogant fool that does silly things!
Capital of NY: You change your form like a shapeshifter.  You're a two-faced devil.  If I had no restraint, I would punch your face until it was bloody.  But even if you're devilish in character, you still are a woman, and I cannot harm a woman.  Besides, if I were to smack you, that would improve your face if anything.
Gonearail: Marry, your manhood, mew!
Albany: You're spouting nonsense now!
Gonerilsss: I was obviously making a Pokemon reference.
(Enter First Messenger)
Albany: What news?
Messenger: My good lord, the Duke of Cornwall has been killed after being stabbed by a servant while he was trying to gouge Gloucester's eye.
Albany: ... his eye?
Messenger: Yes, a faithful servant, enraged and remorseful after seeing Cornwall's atrocious act, leapt and stabbed the perpetrator.  In response, Cornwall stabbed and killed the servant, but soon after died from his own wounds as well.
Albany: Ha!  This shows that there is justice in Heaven after all.  And what of his other eye?
Messenger: Aye, sir.  (to Goneril) Ma'am, this letter is from your sister, who demands a speedy answer.
Gogogogogogoneril: On one hand, I love the fact that Regan's husband died.  Like, she can't even dress fashionably, she doesn't deserve someone as hot as Cornwall!  On the other hand, since she's widowed, she might try to seduce SUPER EDMODO, and I will not stand for it!  I'll respond to her letter soon then. (exits)
Albany: Where was the super bastard (ha, I bet you thought I was going to say SUPER EDMODO) when Gloucester's eyes were being gouged?
Messenger: He was coming this way with his wife, sir.
Albany: Where is he now then?
Messenger: No, my lord, he's not here.  I met him going back on my way here.
Albany: Is he aware of this wicked crime?
Messenger: Aye, he denounced his father in the first place.  He left the house so that Cornwall would have an easier time murdering his father.
Albany: Gloucester, I'll live on forever being grateful for the loyalty you've shown to our King.  Come here, friend, tell me all you know.
EXEUNT
[close]

K-NiGhT

Quote from: NocturneOfShadow on April 28, 2015, 06:48:06 PM
what are you doing stop making nsm a better place by spreading happiness

FSM-Reapr

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this is so good a normal A wasnt enough

SlowPokemon

This is terrible. Did you just drag a pen across a piece of paper and type up the result?
Quote from: Tobbeh99 on April 21, 2016, 02:56:11 PM
Fuck logic, that shit is boring, lame and does not always support my opinions.

Mashi