Well, I can see you tried. You must stay determined though!
I can't emphasize enough how
exacting one must be when transcribing a piece. The sound, the presentation, the execution... they all must be considered.
Here's how measures 1-4 should be, with commentary describing the differences from your current sheet:

1.) There is no Db in the chord. The upper structure consists of an F and a Bb.
2.) There is no Eb in the chord. The upper structure consists of an Ab and a C, with the Ab resolving into a G in m. 4. Notice how I tied notes over from m. 3 to preserve the voices so that they didn't "disappear" suddenly.
3.) Articulation -- There are staccato on ALL notes, not just the quarters (with the exception of m. 3 beat 4 + m. 5, which is legato). Remember staccato isn't necessarily 50% the note duration, but rather to play with a "detached feeling" (which will often result in something akin to halving the note value, but not always).
Try now to apply this instruction to m. 5-8 on your own.
It's also important to note that m. 9-16 are NOT a copy-paste of m. 1-8. To emphasize the crescendo leading into m. 17, Toby adds an additional layer of choral voices in the upper register. Here's how you would incorporate that:

4.) The choral voices -- there are 3 voices total in this layer. Notice how I keep the stems of the melody layer pointed downwards at all times when these voices are present.
5.) You can write the most gorgeous transcription, but if it's unplayable then it's not worth much. This is why technique is so important to notate. Playing the melody and the choral voices simultaneously would be impossible without rolling the chord, and providing the appropriate fingering just helps all the more.
6.) This line indicates pedal usage. Again, it would be impossible to
sustain the upper voices by holding the piano keys manually, because of the wide range between that and the melody.
Now try this out on m. 13-16.