The Post Your Thoughts of the Moment Thread 2

[Kman96]

Hey, I'm not sure where I should post this kind of thing, but here's a trailer for a shitty web series that shadowkirby and I are in that my friends and I made over the Christmas season.

https://youtu.be/c3moOhhPV8Y

I've posted 6 videos so far, with several more waiting to be released! The rest of the series can be found on my Youtube channel, TheKMaster96.

I hope y'all enjoy!

[Dude]

Thought of the moment: sebastard

[Ruto]

I read that as xxxxx-turd. I've been writing the word "poop" in patches of snow everywhere so it's stuck in my head now.

[InsigTurtle]

I just got a letter from the B.C. government saying that they lost an unencrypted external hard drive that had some of my personal information on it.
Good going! Very proud!

[mikey]

holy crap this is long and emo

     It's been slightly over two years since I first became an active member of this forum.  It's funny how much can happen in such a short amount of time.  I believe I joined at a time when the forum was how it for the most part had always been.  Everything was slow- from submissions just to general chitchat.  It was a very tight community, and the tight-knit community had very little space for a thread of a different color.  I tried my hardest to weave my way in, and over time, I succeeded and hopefully made our metaphorical quilt a beautiful thing because of it.  When I first joined, I was young, innocent, full of hopes and dreams, perhaps even arrogant.  Now I've become an empty shell of my former self, nothing more than a notorious troll.

     I saw Rome rise, and I saw it fall.  I became a member in time to see many good people leave.  I saw many good people join.  I saw many not-so-good people join, and subsequently be forced away.  I saw many new people treated the same way I first was when I joined, with distrust and in some cases open hostility.  Yet there were members who reached out to me and tried to be a friend.  For a while, I tried to pass this on, being nice to such people as ThatGamer or King Sammer when nobody else would.  Eventually, even I had a breaking point.  I've been broken, and I may never be put back together again.  At a tender 18 years of age, I feel old.  Rather than being on the brink of something new, I'm on the brink of infinite nothingness.

     I can say that I've made some good friends from NinSheetMusic.  I was here for the triumphant return of our Lord BespinBen.  Music is such a beautiful thing, and being able to make music for others to enjoy is one of the few things that keeps me going.  Submitting sheets and watching the popularity meter rise is indescribable.  I feel freedom when I complete an arrangement in stark contrast to the horrible constricting I feel at almost all times.  Everyone here almost surely feels the same way I do about music, and that passion shows in everything we all do.  Everyone here is so amazing.  I always feel inadequate at most everything, and here is no exception.  I try what I believe is my hardest, and I am crushed to find that my accidentals are wrong, or my formatting is horrendous, or I should have put that in the left hand, or "I'll just fix that for you because it'd be easier".

     It's true that these feelings make me want to try harder, but there's also a strong pull to give up.  Arranging is something I'll never give up.  It means so much to me.  Music, to me, is the purest form of art expression.  Video games follow close behind.  Discovering a website dedicated to the furthering of both as art forms was a huge excitement to me.  There are people out there who understand me, and why I like video games so much, rather than writing it off as "oh you're addicted to gaming, stop gaming so much, you're ruining your life", and for that I thank everyone here.  I know a good majority of you hate me, or at the least tolerate me, but for the most part, I believe all of us have connected on a fundamental appreciation of both music and video games.

     I had a great time learning how to play TWG, and an even better time learning how to host.  Nothing made me happier as a host to hear "I hope nocturne writes another story, those are the best".  To know I was appreciated.  To know that things I do would be missed if I omitted them.  Even when things in-game get high-tempered, at the end of it we're all best buddies again, and that means a lot to me.  I'm reminded of boxing fights between friends- they'll sock each other on the jaw as hard as they can if it means winning, but in the end they still hug each other harder.

     I had a best friend when I was in elementary school.  We met in a daycare that my mom ran, and we spent more time with each other than we did with ourselves.  We liked almost all the same things.  However, he was raised without any video games- any video game time was with my electronics.  He was brought up very sporty.  My dad had a really bad back, and I didn't do nearly as much sport stuff with him.  My friend and I had this thing, where he would buy all the pokemon guides for all the games I had, and we would only play together, taking turns.

     Over time, we started spending less time with each other.  He got in with the sport crowd, and I didn't adjust well with other people.  The only thing keeping me out of special ed was that "my grades were too high".  Eventually, one day as we were walking down the hall, I was talking to him about this cool new Pokémon named Rotom when he started walking faster and faster.  I sped up to catch up with him, and he dashed away to his next class, leaving me standing alone and confused in the hallway.  I didn't ever talk to him for the next 5 years.

     I made a new best friend.  He was special ed.  Not only did he have a form of autism, but he also had epilepsy.  He was also a huge Nintendo fandude, so naturally, we drifted together.  He was very shy and quiet at first, but he warmed up to me.  I like to think I made a positive influence on his life.  Around the same time, I became aware of my own mental inhibitions.  Essentially, I was a special kind of ed who knew he was special, and I started to adapt.  At one point, I got tested for mental disorders, and was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder.  The woman who performed the test didn't want to diagnose me with Asperger's because ADD can be treated and Asperger's can't, but that I almost certainly had it.  At this point my school reputation was "know-it-all annoying kid", but at church I was always quiet.  Now that I knew I had Asperger's I could pretend I didn't have it, and till today, very few people know I have Asperger's, and those who do were very surprised when they found out, because I hid it so well.

     At church, I decided to make a reputation for myself.  I started acting cocky, bigheaded, confident about my own good looks.  Believe it or not, that's what made me good-looking- just acting like I was.  I actually made friends at church this way.  One day, a kid all the way from Kentucky moved in to my church.  He was about two years older than me, so I guess "kid" isn't really accurate.  Anyway, everyone, including myself, immediately took a liking to him.  He was such a fun guy to be around, always had a smile on his face.  One day at a campout he and another kid in the ward were playing a card game called "Magic".  Being the nerd I thought I was, I knew I had to try it.

     Magic had a huge influence on my life.  Once I learned how to play, I immediately taught my best friend with epilepsy how to play.  We had a great time in the library after lunch playing against each other.  Eventually, people started coming up to us and saying "man I remember that game I should grab my cards and join".  Soon, we had a playgroup of 4 or 5 people every day, people that I could call friends.  I'm still friends with everyone who I played Magic with, and for that reason Magic is the most important thing in my life today because of everything the game has done for me.

     Two winters ago (Winter of 2014), a few things happened.  I was in my second year at St. Cloud State University.  My workload was decently big, but there were a few classes that I actually legitimately enjoyed (Problem Solving was my daily escape).  I was missing my friends and our carefree days bigtime.  My friend from Kentucky left on a church mission all the way to the Philippines, where he's having an absolutely great time teaching and meeting people and speaking Tagalog and getting a rice belly.  My dad left to who knows where.  He had left before but he always came back (he went to Ukraine once and brought back a handmade Polish chessboard and a Russian Snickers bar for me).  This time, he wasn't coming back.  I know I have no right to complain since technically I had him for my entire childhood.  It's selfish of me.  I feel like I'm the only one who misses him.  We also moved to Utah.  I don't like Utah anymore.

     Everyone else goes on about how terrible my dad was, especially my younger sister.  When I would do something that annoyed her she would say "you are SO like your father" in that white girl voice with her hands on her hips.  I liked my dad a lot more than my mom.  My mom isn't the greatest parent, even though I know she tries (sometimes).  I shouldn't blame her, but I do.  It's just how she acts sometimes, it's not really any wonder my dad left.  I feel like I had a much different relationship with my dad than everyone else.  To me, "Dad" meant that person who could fix anything.  The one who knew everything.  The one who could beat Zelda II.  The one who cooked the best food.  And when people are telling me I'm so much like him, I'm confused by the hurtful tone in their voice.

     A while ago when I was visiting my family (My mom and younger siblings live with my aunt in Salt Lake City) I overheard my younger siblings talking.  My brother said "I want to be like Michael when I'm older!".  My sister responded with "But Michael is like Dad, and you don't want to be like Dad, do you?"  After a moment's pause he said "No, I guess not."  I live with my grandparents, and sometimes that's stifling, but I secretly feel glad I'm not living with my family anymore.

     Remember that old friend that I never talked to again?  We're going to bring him back up.  See, he's a really good person.  And my senior year, we were on the Knowledge Bowl team together.  It turned out that all those nerdy things I was doing my entire life was actually cool.  So I was in with another crowd of cool people, and life was good again for a while.  I got to stop by my high school on Thursdays and have a jam session with some of the band people (which turns out was also cool) and we played pokemon on our 3DS's (which were also cool) and worked at the movie theater (which, let's be honest, everyone knew was cool).  That old friend was my friend again.  When he heard we were moving to Utah, I eventually got this short letter in the mail (which is slightly more adorable in print because his handwriting is still the same after all these years):

               Dear Michael,

               I just heard today that soon you will be moving to Utah.  I wanted to send you this before you leave to take on bigger and better things.  I'm sure your thinking "Now he communicates with me," or "It takes moving for you to send me something."  I know and I hate myself for it.  Your thank you note that you send my mom really struck a chord with me.  It made me think about all the great times we spendt together at daycare and through our early years.  Remembering those days and all the fun we had has me in tears.  I will never forget pretending to be Pokémon and running through your backyard, reaking havoc around the culdesac, digging tunnels in the winter, trying to breed a Hitmonlee in Diamond, waking up from naps to play Nintendo, watching every Scooby Do movie, and best of all getting to spend all of those times with you.  Those days were the best and if I could relive them I would a thousand times for they were some of the greatest days of my life.  As we grew older and grew apart, not staying in touch with you will be something I always regret.  I wish over and over that I could go back in time and slap some sense in to 12 year old Nate for letting such a good friend go.  If only I had that shot.  I don't know if it means anything to you, but I'm sorry for loosening that great bond we shared.

               I know we will never (most likely) share that great of a bond again, but I would hope that you still consider me a friend, for I will always consider you as one of the best friends I've ever had.  When you go to Utah, make sure to keep in touch even if it is just a text.  I wish nothing but the best for you in the future.

                                                                              --Nate Nathaniel
               P.S. If you want I would like to look at magic cards sometime.  If you feel like it shoot me a text.
               P.P.S.  Here are some Pokémon cards.  Dark Dragonite was yours I think.  Pinsir will always be #1.  Also thank [my mom] for everything she has ever done for me.  She was my second mom.

     You can't possibly imagine how much that letter meant to me.  Dark Dragonite, Mewtwo, and Pinsir are all in my wallet (and all are old crappy weak cards).  Now I spend most of my days living in the past, because the past was where all the good stuff was.  If I could go back in time I would, even if for much different reasons than my friend.  The last 2 years have knocked a lot out of me, and at some point, the pain of life will outweigh the fear of pain, and at that moment I will depart.  My only hope is that I can make a difference through both this site and through other things I do.  To accomplish something.  That I would be proud of, nobody else.  I'm afraid of the future.  I can't see myself in the future.  I can't even see myself in the now.  The only reason I don't curl up in bed and do nothing is because I'd rather be playing video games.

     I want to run, to hide.  The only things keeping me here are a silly card game, beautiful music, beautiful video games, and fear of pain.  I'm not afraid of death.  Death is merely a safe haven, a final frontier, a new and exciting adventure.  Life as it is, it's a meaningless grind, a slog through endless torment.  If these things are ever taken from me, that's when I take my last bow.  I see all these new NSM members and envy their obliviousness.  They don't yet feel the pain of reality.  Soon they'll feel it though.  We're all in the same boat.  I'd just rather jump overboard early than sink with everyone else.

"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here" -Dante, Inferno

[close]

[Latios212]

can I give you a hug through the internet

[Dudeman]

Wow.

This is...

Wow.

I'm really, very happy you've taken the time to write this all out, Noc. Sometimes it's hard for us to really try and relate to each other when we all have our emotional baggage that we just can't reveal. No one wants to be the weird guy with the emo problems. No one wants to be the one who lashes out emotionally against their better judgment. Which is why I'm very, sincerely proud of you for putting all of this forward. You've given us a rare look into your incredible life, and I have to say, it's one that I'm sure as hell jealous of. Not everyone gets that second chance or gets to see their problems resolve. But you've already come so far. You've taken your problems and punched them in the face and decided to be the master of your own fate. That's a quality I respect highly, and in fact am quite jealous of.

I'm sorry for all the times I've put you down or insulted you as a result of a post of yours or something you did. It's hard sometimes to look below the surface and see that maybe there's more to a person than what meets the eye. I've failed to follow through on that, and I'm afraid you've taken the hit because of that. I'd like to ask for your forgiveness, if you're willing to extend it.

Finally, I'd like to assure you that the people here feel that "pain of reality." I know I do. But we don't want to express it here, of all places. NSM is a place to produce music, yes. But more importantly, we are a community. We hold each other up. We come to escape our lives problems and have a good time messing around and talking games and music. We don't like to acknowledge the hard things because, well, we don't want NSM to be a place where reality strikes. But I know for a fact that everyone, in some capacity or another, knows exactly how stupidly difficult real life is and is trying to deal with it every single day, just like you are. NSM is where we first connect. We need to use those connections to support each other outside of our wonderful little world in here.

Please. Don't hurt yourself over this. Hell, I hope to God this isn't some sort of suicide note, because that would be incredibly tragic. To hear that a person like you left like this would be devastating to the whole community. We're a team. We're supposed to be, anyway. I don't want to see any person (I really mean it) leave because they feel like no one's listening. And while we may get distracted, I hope that none of us ever stop listening. If we lose each other, we lose NSM.

Let's hope that never happens.

Feel free to PM me, or anyone really, if you need help or support. I'm sorry things have turned out badly and I want to take steps to repair this as soon as possible. And please...don't leave. Not like this.

[braix]

I don't know if there's any way for me to help out, but feel free to invite me a LoL game anytime, I'm willing to spend as much time goofing around with you as you want. I'll get ya to Silver

[Sebastian]

can I give you a hug through the internet

^

I'm always here for you if you need anyone to talk to, Noc.

[Bubbles]

Yo remember when you came to tinychat and (after listening to my long rambling story with lots of plot twists and teenage drama) gave me that bomb advice about that guy? I was really about to pm you about it today with an update that he did something major that I would've gotten really upset with if you didn't give me that advice. It was really an "aha" moment where I understood what I was feeling and could quickly snap myself out of it. Thanks for that :-) I'd love to repay the favor sometime

 You said you like spending your time doing the things you love-music, video games, etc. Do you remember when you first learned you loved those things? When you discovered them for the first time? How do you know there's not something else out there that you could learn to love even more than what you already find comfortable? Those things were new to you once too, so something else you haven't experienced yet could be just an influential and inspiring as what you already know. You just gotta go out and find it c:

[Pianist Da Sootopolis]

This is humbling. Damn.
I know I'm probably one of your least favorite people here, so I'll keep this short.
Noc, you and I probably agree on the least amount of 'stuff' possible for any two humans. And we've gotten into some salty discussions/arguments here. So, as much as I wish I could say "I'm here if you want to talk" etc., I'm probably the last person you'd want to hear that from.
In any case, after reading the entire post of yours... I realized that this being called "NocturneOfShadow" was faar more than I thought. I have a bad habit of just thinking of online friends as profiles and images and words, rather than real people.. And reading this made me realize that you're someone who's important not only in your own life, and the lives of those close to you, but also important to NSM. We're all a family here, and even if you and I are the two obnoxious kids in the playpen hitting each other in the face with giant foam blocks, so be it. We're a family at NSM. Sometimes we hate each other, but we pull through for the tinychat conversations, the Skype chats, the things that make us laugh and smile, whether that be music or hanging out (as best as one can do that on NSM).
Anyways, I'm really sorry you're feeling like death is a solace. It's not something anyone should have to feel.. but unfortunately, our own duality requires us to have these horrible times so that we really know happiness. (In other words, "It's darkest before the dawn".)
I hope all goes well for you, Noc.

[mikey]

@Latios- I don't enjoy hugging people (Asperger's lol) but I might make an exception for you
@Dudeman- I appreciate the time you took to respond to me.  You're a good guy.
@Seabass- pls try to be original at least once (jk bro I'm messin with ya)
@Zorro- ilu bb
@Bubbles- is that prom date still available?
@PDS- watch your language
@Olimar+Dude- you guys are great.  If anyone has a problem with these two, you've got a problem with me.
@Altissimo+K-NiGhT- I realize half of you won't see this, but out of everyone on here, I know that you two will surely understand.  Thanks for that.
@Blueflower- I know you're going to see this at some point.  Thanks for the Dante quote, I'm really taking it to heart.
@People who like me- our regularly scheduled Nocturne program should be returning momentarily
@People who dislike me- ^

[Nebbles]

I hope things get better for you soon. Sorry I can't think of much else to say, but I hope things can turn around positively for you in the future.

[BrainyLucario]

I really feel bad for treating you as harsh as i have. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kept bugging you about your opinion on Undertale. I feel really bad for that and just wanted to apologize for my stupidity.

[FireArrow]

I have Asperger's too so I can relate to all that stuff. My reading comprehension is probably terrible because I'm a bit confused as to what's bothering you, is it that you've moved away from you're old slightly-messed up yet beautiful old life and now you're stuck in incomplete feeling past?