To Our Dear Fans and FollowersRecently we sent out a message regarding our updated policies due to the Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic. However due to the increasing threat we have decided to enact additional measures to ensure not only the safety of all of you who purchase and use our products, but also to protect our staff making said products. Below is a reminder of our previously enacted policies:
NSM's Commitment to Safety
Here at NSM Industries and Friends Co. we strive to bring you the highest quality arrangements of your favorite video game tunes. However, we are aware of the growing threat of the Coronavirus (COVID-19), and as such we will be making adjustments to our business model to help reduce risk of exposure to our employees and our loyal customers:
What We Are Doing:- We are retraining all of our personnel on proper hygiene techniques to minimize the spread of Colonelvirus (CLNID-19).
- Our staff is being issued heavy-duty gloves which make daily tasks practically impossible to complete.
- We will also cease all in-person interaction effective immediately. All personnel will continue operations via Morse code and smoke signals.
- We have begun an intense regiment of deep cleaning our facilities, delivery trucks, delivery drivers, and delivery receivers. This will include high powered washing every hour followed by a detailed scrubbing of all surfaces and people.
- We are also undergoing a complete disinfecting of every single sheet on our archive, as well as complete disinfecting of all of our arrangers.
- In order to minimize risk of exposure to Carvanavirus (CARGO-19), we will be closing our retail establishments effective immediately and burning them down to collect the insurance money.
- In the interest of safety we will start a new method of creating sheet music that will involve working in state-of-the-art clean rooms, arranging via speech to text, and holding intrusive conference calls with our full staff discussing what we are doing to help prevent the spread of Caboodlevirus (CABOX-19) every 15 minutes.
- Should any of our employees begin to exhibit symptoms, or even mention the Carbonaravirus (CANOLI-19) we will launch them into the sun.
What You Can Do To Help:- Never go outside or interact with another human being in person ever again.
Hugs and Kisses,
The NSM StaffIn addition to the above measures, effective immediately are several new policies to our production process:
- Since our staff have issued complaints of our deep cleaning methods, including physical pain and severe sunburns, we will no longer be using human arrangers to produce new sheet music.
- Instead we have devised a foolproof method of arranging using goats, typewriters, hot wheels, and 2lbs of industrial grade fabric softener.
- In order to discourage customers from attempting to buy wares at our ash piles, we will be doubling prices on all of our products and will continue arbitrarily raising prices in perpetuity.
- We have also terminated all of our current staff that are deemed "inessential". This leaves only myself, our janitor Bubbles, a cat that wandered onto the premises roughly 4 months ago whom we have since named "Brenda the Doomslayer", and our steadfast President and CEO Latios, long may he reign.
- We have given each of our terminated staff a generous severance package of two cans of salt-and-vinegar Pringles and a gift certificate to the Piggly Wiggly good for $15. Our accountant (who has also since been terminated due to exposure to the Carnationvirus (CNTID-19)) has assured us this is a very generous sum given the relative lack of dedication they gave the company.
- We will cease shipments of all products for roughly 30 years, or until Mother 4 is released; whichever comes later.
- Our current storage solution has been completely reorganized to comply with recommendations by the federal government. As such our sheet music library has been rearranged to comply with the "6-foot clearance" statute.
- In addition to our current work-from-home mandate, we will begin a new "work"-from-home initiative which will include, among other things, 2 hour workdays and telecommuting from Ganymede, the largest moon of Jupiter.
- Lastly is a pledge to rehire all of our terminated staff once this crisis has abated. We know that being gross flesh monsters isn't your fault, and the Carpacciovirus (CPRID-19) is just another example of how your frail meat sacks will never surpass the quality and longevity of my toilet paper fortress.
Ways you can continue to help:- Wash your hands and stay as far away from me as possible.
Your pal and confidant,
The NSM Staff
But I don't even like salt & vinegar chips...
This was what was agreed upon after we finished negotiations with your union rep, Brenda.
Hey MaestroUGC, you now have instrumentalvirus (CELLO-19). Sorry man, but I sneezed.
How dare you, good thing I've collected our entire supply of sanitizer and apply it every 20 minutes.
You couldn't get rid of me even if you wanted to!
NSM is unfair!
Latios is in there!
Standing at the concession!
Plotting his oppression!
Who let you past the picket line?
That shows you for firing all of the people who could have managed the picket line!
I am glad to hear that NSM is taking such measures fo dealing with the Catanavirus (CTNID-19). I admire your companies continued effects to deliver the highest quality (and the cleanest) video game sheets possible. I take great pleasure in knowing that the filthy meat sacks will no longer be handling my pristine sheets, and that you have arranged the sheets so that they stay 6ft apart from each other. However, I do have a concern for playing the sheets, as the music itself doesn't allow for me to be a proper 6ft away from the piano. In addition to being seated away from the piano, my hands and individual fingerings need to also maintain the 6ft distance so that I am not too exposed to the keys of the piano. I look forward to seeing updates to the sheets so that it is playable by these standards, and seeing your actions upon dealing with the Citrusvirus (CRSID-19) I have great confidence that you will deliver these changes. Thank you for your continued efforts and I hope you have a clean day.
Your hand-sanitized customer
~Cash
last year was funnier
there ain't nothing funny 'bout coronavirus boi
nothin' funny 'bout losing jobs huh
I don't see why you're all complaining, this is for your own good.
Day 4 of unemployment: The walls are closing in...
...no, really. I ate just about everything in my house, so I started eating the insulation in the walls. Kinda tastes like a cross between cotton candy and an industrial power saw.
Anyway, can I please have my job back now? I think the demons will finally go away when I have some real food.
No. I'm pretty sure you're the one who vandalized my fondue equipment.
Quote from: MaestroUGC on April 01, 2020, 07:12:28 PMNo. I'm pretty sure you're the one who vandalized my fondue equipment.
IT LOOKED LIKE THE TERMINATOR, DON'T JUDGE ME I WAS
SCARED
See, this is why I fired you.
So, with all these people being fired, does that mean that there is an open position that I can claim? Don't you dare claim that I can't simply because I'm a filthy meat sack, as I have already replaced three quarters of myself with robot parts and am officially a cyborg.