I like video games, so I want to review them to. No fluff, just a straight foward review. Let's start with classic game, yes?
Super Mario 64
Is good game. I like it. Mayro jumps and kicks. Spin Bowser. Save Princess Pear.
Rating: 10/Kumquat
Too short.
Rating: 1/10/Kumquat pie
Go play.
Well, I hope you liked it. Expect more reviews later? In the meantime, feel free to post your own reverends while you wait in the meantime.
Table of Complaints:
Super Mario 64 (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg189828#msg189828) - Look up you dumb-bumb
Super Mario World 2 (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg191119#msg191119) - An adventure in babystting
Pikmin (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg192388#msg192388) - Flower Power!
Diddy Kong Racing (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg193325#msg193325) - The best Mario Kart
Luigi's Mansion (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg194767#msg194767) - Resident Mario, if you will
The NES Mario Games (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg195525#msg195525) - All terrible movies
Mario Kart 64 (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg196623#msg196623) - The best Mario Kart
BattleTanx (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg197680#msg197680) - Tanx-a-plooza!
Pikmin 2 (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg198440#msg198440) - Flowerer Powerer-er!
Wario Land 4 (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg199935#msg199935) - The best your nightmares can offer
Super Mario Sunshine (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg200699#msg200699) - Public Service: The Game
Nintendo Land (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg201628#msg201628) - Not quite Mario Party
Superman [N64] (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg202169#msg202169) - Winner of "Most Soul Crushing Game of All Time"
Lego Racers (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg203166#msg203166) - The Game Nuts and Bolts wishes it could be
Command and Conquer: Red Alert 2 (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg204362#msg204362) - World Domination for Fun and Profit
Mario Party (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg205560#msg205560) - Because Lady Fortuna hates you
Paper Mario (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg206152#msg206152) - Mario is 2D at last again for the first time!
Super Smash Bros. (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg207029#msg207029) - Because beating the sh*t out of bad guys isn't enough
Worms Series Summary (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg208764#msg208764) - It isn't violence if it's worm on worm
Top Ten Mario Kart Tracks (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg209528#msg209528) - Lists are fun
Banjo-Kazooie (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg210876#msg210876) - Mmfm, it's so good
The Neverhood (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg211519#msg211519) - Oh Gawd, it's so wonderful
Super Mario Galaxy (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg212433#msg212433) - Mario in Space
Yoshi's Story (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg216279#msg216279) - Nintendo's Baby Game for Babies
Conker's Bad Fur Day (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg218847#msg218847) - Rated M for MostwonderfulthingI'veeverwitnessed
New Super Mario Bros. (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg219666#msg219666) - More Mario, More Money
Wario World (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg220218#new) - Because Talent
Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg221295#msg221295) - Just for you, Blue
Slow Reviews Stuff and junk (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg221649#msg221649) - Happy Birthday
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg222572#msg222572) - Paper cuts galore
Donkey Kong Country (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg223982#msg223982) - A game about monkeys
Sup (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg226074#msg226074)er (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg226694#msg226694) Mario (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg227686#msg227686) Wor (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg229083#msg229083)ld (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg230244#msg230244) - A nice game A piece of s*** (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg231046#msg231046)
Mon (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg232919#msg232919)op (http://forum.ninsheetm.us/index.php?topic=5260.msg235005#msg235005)oly (http://forum.ninsheetm.us/index.php?topic=5260.msg235006#msg235006) - Money 'n' s***
Super Mario 3D World (http://forum.ninsheetm.us/index.php?topic=5260.msg236211#msg236211) - Game of the Year 2013
Wii Music (http://forum.ninsheetm.us/index.php?topic=5260.msg241484#msg241484) - Beethoven never sounded so terrible
The Wonderful 101 (http://forum.ninsheetm.us/index.php?topic=5260.msg243729#msg243729) - It's just so... Wonderful
Dig Dug (http://forum.ninsheetm.us/index.php?topic=5260.msg248105#msg248105) - the Diggening
Mario Kart 8 (http://forum.ninsheetm.us/index.php?topic=5260.msg249866#msg249866) - Almost Perfect Mario Kart
Fortune Street (http://forum.ninsheetm.us/index.php?topic=5260.msg266655#msg266655) - Monopoly, but in the Real World
I give it a 9.8/Kumquat
Also in my game I saved Princess Plum, weird.
I think you got a glovelegged version. Made by Notendo.
You also said in the meantime twice in your last sentence, but I don't know if I should tell you because that would make it even shorter.
maestro for ign
Quote from: Waddle Bro on January 15, 2013, 11:12:08 PMmaestro for ign
You can't spell ignorant without ign.
In both ways.
Super Mario World 2:
Trouble in Paradise
The sequel to SUper Mario World, the most perfectest-er game ever. They took everything great about it, did a few lines of coke, and said, "F*** that shit"* and shat out this piece of poo-poo.
*Translated poorly from the original Mandarin
They took out the power-ups, turned Mario into a baby, and stuck him on his retarded pet, Yoshy. You might think, "oh, this can't be too bad, it's just a prequel story" except that baby Maryo turns out to be a high-maintenence b****. You have to take this bubble boy all the way to baby bowser, which makes no sense cause Bowsré ain't no baby. That b**** kidnapped Luggy, who was probably being a little punk like always.
The best part of the game? Marty never shutps up. He's all "Wait, you built a time machine out of a DeLorean" and "What the hell's a gigawatt?" every time you toss him off your back. What? What do you mean he's a baby and can't talk? What the hell does he do then? Scream?!? Oh, no, that's much better!! F*** you, Miyamoto.
Ya flower picking bastard.
Score: 10/10
You go play now.
Luggy
I like how he outlines the good qualities in a game before giving it such a wonderful score
Quote from: MaestroUGC on January 18, 2013, 08:43:31 PMThe best part of the game? Marty never shutps up. He's all "Wait, you built a time machine out of a DeLorean" and "What the hell's a gigawatt?" every time you toss him off your back.
O_O
Great scott! (http://lego.cuusoo.com/ideas/view/96)
Pikmin
What can be said about Pumpkin that hasn't already been said by everybody ever?
Nothing.
Not a thing.
Not a God Damn thing.
So instead, I'll say this:
Flamstertenfth.
Score: 10 reds/3 yellows.
Best review ever.
Seems legit.
Quote from: MaestroUGC on January 21, 2013, 08:07:57 PMPikmin
So instead, I'll say this:
Flamstertenfth.
Score: 10 reds/3 yellows.
Instant classic.
As a fellow critic, what criteria do you base your reviews on? Do you have a specific strategy for writing your reviews? I must say they are concise, yet effective.
I save princess apple. LOL
Diddy Kong Racing
A kart racing game. Not too much beyond that. Except for the F***** Overworld. What the hell is with that shit? Did they want to make Mario Kart a more single player experience? Well congratulations, Rare, you succeeded. Seriously, getting around the damn island is a pain. They give you all these vehicles, but all you really ever use the the plane.
Driving around Luigi's Raceway clone? Plane.
Trying to avoid bouncy ice(?)? Plane.
Flying around a bleeping volcano? Hovercraft.
So let's say you want to change your vehicle in this sorry excuse for a Not-DK64 Overworld. Let's just run over Insensitive Indian Stereotype No. 6! Shut the F*** up T.T.! Nobody wants to hear about your Time Trial bulls***, not like it gets you anything...
All in all, though, it's a fantastic game. I say it has far more replay value than it's counterpart, Mario Kart 64, and has held up better over time. It's got all the things.
Diddy
Not-Minnie
Turtle from Banjo-Kazooie
Banjo sans Kazooie
An Alligator
A badger (cause those exist)
An OP tiger
A Drumstick
Bombs
Oil
More bombs
Rocket boosters
Even more bombs
and a magnet
Oh and an Evil Intergalactic Pig Wizard who has nothing else to do but challenge people to races on his ICBM Missle.
Score: 6
DS Remake
Fuck.
Score: No.
Quote from: MaestroUGC on January 23, 2013, 10:59:45 PMDiddy Kong Racing
Such a great game. Slams Mario Kart to the ground. (But Mario Kart's good too)
I will say that the game got some cred for not having a Rainbow Road clone.
True. And it really gives you a feeling of satisfaction when you outrun a rocket. :P
Luigi's Mansion
What if Luigi, instead of being a palette swap of the Mario-man, was a coward afraid of his own shadow?
What it we sent this man-child to a haunted mansion full of puns?
Then we get one of the most game of all time. Here we play as Marion's green shadow, in his first starring role ever, and does he get to save a princess? Nope. He has to save Marty because, why not? So what do you do?
Suck.
Suck and blow.
But mostly suck.
Ghosts, that is.
Suck and blow ghosts.
And when you're done with that they give you monies, because that's what you do after a good sucking and blowing. So what ghosts do you suck? Boos. Boos and people ghosts. Why? To turn them into paintings. Why? Because Art, you uncultured swine.
And what do you do after sucking all these ghosts? You fight Bowser, who's apparently dead? So this means Luggy's Monster Bash comes after the other Mary Games.
Well it turns out you fight King Boo. Yeah, there's a King Boo, he's King of the Boos. He's mad because...Mario? I don't know, his monologue had alot of sucking in it so I tuned out. He then sucks you into a Bowser Art for a boss fight. (Notice a pattern yet?)
You also fight some other ghosts, too, I guess. There's Big Baby, Big Blob, and Bigger Boo. Music is. There's also the little old Man(?) who gives you a vacuum to suck and blow with. What do you blow? Fire. Water. Ice. But mostly fire. And water. Fuck ice.
Luigi's Mansion:
Go Suck Something.
Score: 12 Boos/50 Gadds
Or: 3000 Poltergusts
You go play now.
ahhahahahahahaahahahaha sex puns
Spoiler Alert
You fight King Boo.
RUINING THE GAME
JEEZ
Super Mayro Sisters 1, duex, X
Marion the First
Run left.
Mario-ception
Wake up, Mario.
The Subcon has you.
Or just stay sleeping. You don't need to know about this game you were in. Shrug it off as an odd dream you once had.
Super Mario Bros 3: Bowser's Revenge
Run left again.
Also Bowser procreated a little bit...but with who?
Oh, God. No!. Naw!!!
Mario 2: The Lost World
Run left some more.
Flying Bloopers?
Fuck it, left.
Cumulative score: Basketball
Apparently you guys hate Mario, so I'm not going to review another Mario Game.
Mario Kart 64
"This game has not held up well," said me after I replayed it recently.
The controls are stiff, the pace is rather slow, and the action is more frustrating than fun.
On the down side, you could also say this game resulted other, possibly better, copy-cat kart racers.
On the up side, it brought us The Great Equalizer: The Blue Spiny Shell.
Life sucks sometimes, you know?
Score: That was F*cking Bullshit, and you know it!
Mario Kart 64 > Any Mario Kart game
Oh absolutely.
I like Mario Kart 7 better :/
Oh absolutely.
ilu maestro
Now do a review of Superman 64!!!!
Oh absolutely.
New drinking game: take a shot every time Maestro says "Oh absolutely."
Quote from: SlowPokemon on February 05, 2013, 06:07:44 PMNew drinking game: take a shot every time Maestro says "Oh absolutely."
You've jinxed us. Now he's seriously not going to stop.
Oh absolutely
BattleTanx
War for Children of All Ages!
This little gem of a game was designed by 3DO, you know, after the whole 3DO thing, for the Nintendo 69. Notable for not having 69 jammed in the title somewhere. +2 points. So, what's the story?
It's the year 1999, so it's set in the future, obviously. There's a plague that kills all women, except for, like, 10, in the whole world. Yeah, it's already off to a great start. You play as some guy named Griffin, whose girlfriend was taken by the Gov'ment for having a vagina. So he goes off to save her from Big Brother. How?
Tanks!
He plows his way across the US, from New York to San Francisco, to get laid, finding some friends along the way.
There are three tanks:
Mototank: Small, fast, hits for very little, and can be crushed. Most fun.
M1A1 Abrams: Medium, moderate, hits for average, and is the starter tank. The Mario of the game.
Goliath: Big, slow, hits for a lot, and can crush the Mototank. Use only if you're a baby who can't video game.
But, there's much more to this game. There are Items! They range from health packs, ammo refills to secondary weapons:
Missles: Fires 3 missles at once. You can have them curve to the left or right.
Guided Missles: One missle to you can pilot to a target. Leaves the tank uncontrolled and unarmed while in the air.
Laser: A Laser
Mines: Mines
Radar: Negates cloaking, gives you a radar screen.
Grenade: Grenade!
Cloak: Cloaks you, hides you from radar screen
Gun Buddies: Shooting gun box.
Nuke: The "Fuck It" Button.
Rated T, for Kids. Bring the whole family along! It's never to early to learn how to enjoy blowing shit up!
Score: Nuke Deployed
BOOM
HEADSHOT
"Laser: A Laser" Couldn't have said it better myself.
I forgot something absolutely crucial to the stray of the game.
You can also get a Sheild power-up: It's a shield.
Mrs. PikminThe Search for More MoneyOlimar is at his April Tricks again!!!
Last time on Pikmin:
Quote from: MaestroUGC on January 21, 2013, 08:07:57 PMFlamstertenfth.
This time, Olimar returns to find that his incompetent boss lost his paycheck! So he decides to take the new guy back to that hell hole he just escaped from. Oh, and you know that ship he spent so much time rebuilding? His boss sold it to cover his gambling debts.
The fat bastard.
So Olimar and and and...Dumpy set off to collect a bunch of useless shit to sell at a garage sale. They find the yellow, blue, and red pikmans. Then they find the metal detecting whites and game-breaking purples.
No time limit means no challenge. It also means no challenge.
So when you finally decide you have enough money, Olimar decides to take it all for himself and leaves Dingbat to die. But his boss was all "Fuck that shit, let's get more money!" and they go back to comb the planet dry. They eventually find Waldork who appears to be the final boss.
What a dick.
So they kill him and take all his treasure.
It also means no challenge.
Score: All the purples.
A++++++
Quote from: MaestroUGC on February 12, 2013, 08:59:57 PMOh, and you know that ship he spent so much time rebuilding? His boss sold it to cover his gambling debts.
The fat bastard.
My feelings to a
T!
Oh, absolutely.
Wario Land 4
Because My Nightmares Were Not Terrifying Enough
This was my first Wario Land game. And my last. You play as Wario (Surprise!) as he sets out to find, and clean out, a lost pyramid full of treasure. However, once he finds it, he learns that the greatest treasures are haunted, or something. I don't know. Boss battles or something.
There are 4 areas in the pyramid, plus a tutorial level and a final challenge. Each area has a shared theme: Toy Zone, Big Boo's Haunt, The Amazon, Alaskan Oil Rig?
Wario has his fair share of power-ups, each one worse than th last and serve no practical function to the game except humiliate you for being bad at video games you piece of shi-
He can get fat(ter), flat(ter), fly(ter), and other non-flat(ter)ing junk.
Each boss is absolutely hideous. There's Creepy Baby Beast; Clock Vulture; Ghost Mouse on Teddy Bear; Demon Catfish and Petey Piranha.
And the Final Boss is the living incarnation of your nightmares's nightmares. And it wears a mask.
So what do you do?
Beat the living shit out of everything you see and grab all the money.
Oh yeah, and the music is fantastic. My personal favorite Gameboy Advance soundtrack, and it actually features what can only be labeled as "experimental" or "avant-garde" music as a bonus.
Score: Mommy, why is that woman throwing her face at me HOLY SHIT NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE
SO MUCH NOPE
Quote from: MaestroUGC on February 19, 2013, 01:43:20 PMWario Land 4
Because My Nightmares Were Not Terrifying Enough
Score: Mommy, why is that woman throwing her face at me HOLY SHIT NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE
SO MUCH NOPE
LOL; I love that game. 8) We have it for both the GBA and 3DS, and it's really really difficult on the hardest difficulty setting (obvious statement).
They need more Wario games like that; the minigame-games are fine, as long as we are not deprived of Wario Land-esque games.
I thought Wario Master of Disguise was pretty fun. It was a little boring toward the end though.
I actually really enjoy Wario Land 4. I played Master of Disguise but I never finished it.
Super Mary-o Sunshine
Mario Paint 2, Or:
Lost in the Tropics, Or:
The Ballad of Bowser Jr., Or:
Mario Teaches Good Public Service, Or:
How I Learned to Stop Complaining and Love the Piantas, Or:
The Curious Tale of the Missing Shine Sprites, and Other Tales of Mystery and Woe, Or:
An Experiment in Uprooting Familiar Gameplay and Producing What Can Only Be Called "The Luigi Of Mario Games", Or:
Not Super Mario 64 2, or Super Mario 128, or Some Other Direct Sequel to Their Greatest And Most Acclaimed Game Thus Far, Or:
WaterworldRight, so the sequel to Super Mario 64, the most perfect game ever until this one came along. So they're going to take the gameplay that made Super Mario 64 so awesome and make it even better, right?
Fuck that shit, give Mario a water gun and some goop to clean.
So what's the story?
Mario and Princess Chronically Kidnapped are on vacation! Also Toadsworth is also there, to be worthless to the plot. So their plane lands (So, they have mastered modern flight, in spite of the fact that they have to most thorough teleportation system in all of video game-dom) but it turns out that Mario's warrant caught up to him and is arrested when they scan his visa. Turns out he had been vandalising this island he just arrived on for weeks, and they promptly arrest and jail him. Good on you,
Japanese American Delfino Justice System, another delinquent behind bars.
So as capital punishment they make Mario, and his new bud
Flood Fludd clean up the mess that he made, and clearly not some sort of dopple ganger that immediately kidnaps Princess Worthless. He drops her like a dumb-shit and escapes into a statue in a manner totally unlike the paintings of Super Mario 64.
The Not-Mario tries this a few more times before revealing that he's Bowser's and Dumpo's illegitimate child. One the one hand, WHAT THE FUCK MIYAMOTO? One the other hand, WHAT THE FUCK MIYAMOTO?!?!? On the other, other hand, It all makes sense now. So the Bastard kidnaps the Whore and runs into the volcano, presumably for some sort of re-enactment of Deliverence.
So Murphy and Drought go to rescue Her Royal Hoebag and fight the Bowser Duo.
Spoiler
So Bowser reveals that Princess Dipshit isn't Bowser the Latter's mother; and Mario and Princess Loose Legs go to have a discussions regarding her lifestyle choices and the logistics of bearing the demon spawn of Bowser.
Spoiler
It turns out to be a secret plot to unite the two Kingdoms and create Nintendo's first World Superpower, and launch an invasion on Hyrule.
Still, pretty isn't it?
Score: 2 Melting Yoshis/12 Il Piantissimi
This thread is full of win, but this last review is major epicness.
Spoiler
The spoiler pyramid thing was awesome
Well people got mad at me for spoiling a game, so I made extra sure it wasn't spoiled this time.
Nintendo Land
Because Disney World is Too Damn Expensive
So Nintendo released a new console a few months ago, you might've heard about it. If you haven't it's okay get the fuck out of my house. Since Nintendo apparently has trouble making full games since they started making enough Wario of Warcraft and Wii Flail sequels to feed half of Africa, feed them horrible, horrible disc shaped food; they made their first game for this Revolutionary new system a collection of smaller, terrible games. They are all hosted by GLaDOS' younger, less evil(?) sister Monita, who may or may not been romantically involved with that bastard Lord of Games from Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts RAREWARE! HOW COULD YOU?!?!?! So what are the games? I don't want to tell you.
Solo Games: Becuase Nintendo knows you don't have any friends.
Takamaru's Ninja Castle
You ninja shit, and you look like a total fop doing it.
Score: Pass.
Donkey Kong's Crash Course
Tilt 'n' Roll: The Movie: The Game: The Novelisation: The Sequel: The Movie: The Game.
Score: Fuck this shit!
Captain Falcon's Twister Race
It's like I'm really Falcon Punching my way to Victory!
Score: I like Speed Racer better.
Balloon Trip Breeze
I haven't a clue. Ballons 'n' shit.
Score: This is the least efficient way to move cargo.
Yoshi's Fruit Cart
Yoshi's Story: the True Story.
Score: A tour-de-force! Yoshi Cart shines in his intepretation of the beloved green dino. -Roger Ebert
Octopus Dance
Because DDR is too much work.
Score: Game and Watch will shamelessly accept your charity, anything will help.
Competitive Games: So you can chase your only "friend" away over some bullshit.
Mario Chase
Tag, as done by Nintendo.
Score: Base!
Luigi's Ghost Mansion
Now without all the inuendo! And also without all the fun!
Score: I ain't callin' no plummer.
Animal Crossing: Sweet Day
What the hell is Animal Crossing
Score: I don't have much of a sweet tooth.
Team Games: becuase you really just want another excuse to dick over your "friends".
The Legend of Zelda: Battle Quest
Four Zeldas and Legolas go on an adventure. That's about it.
Score: I'm supposed to shoot arrows into your butt!
Metroid Blast
Because finally figured out the FPS's actually sell.
Score: Pew pew pew, you're dead Other Mii!
Pikmin Adventure
Pikmin 2.5
Score: As close to a sequel that we'll ever get.
Overall
It's alright, you know, if you;r einto that sort of thing.
Score: 6 Stars/Shigeru Miyamoto
My favorite review thus far.
Everybody else did a review of Nintendo Land, so I did it too.
MAESTRO'S MANIC MONDAY MANIA MARCH MADNESS MONSTROSITY!Super Man 64The one that one of you has been waiting for!This past weekend I had the absolute pleasure of playing Supper Man 19 at friend's house. This is going to be a bullet-by-bullet review of the whole game.
- No.
- This game is dumb and all of you should feel bad about it.
Score: Johnny! Get my beating stick.
*whistles for blueflower*
This made me laugh hard.
Added a Table of Complaints (http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5260.msg189828#msg189828)
best review yet
MAESTRO'S MANIC MONDAY MANIA MARCH MADNESS MONSTROSITY!
Lego Racers
Your Childhood: Now Streamlined to Perfection
Holy sh*t, a Lego game on the N64! They combined my two favorite things growing up: Legos and Not Moving.
Plays like your typical kart racer, you can custom build your own cars (Take that Nuts and Bolts!) but it just for cosmetics, the pieces don't effect the kart's performance in-game. It's got stackable power-ups, much like Diddy Kong Racing, but you need to collect power-neutral blocks to do it. There's really only one power up you need: the Green block - Turbo It's top form literally warps you half way down the course, and not into a wall!
Score: It's Lego Racers! F*** you, Dad!
Thank you, Maestro. Right when I think I can't possibly agree with you any more, you whip up this elegant poetry.
MAESTRO'S MANIC MONDAY MANIA MARCH MADNESS MONSTROSITY!
Command and Conquer: Red Alert 2
Einstein Fucks up Hitstory
I enjoy a good RTS, and Command and Conquer make some good RTS's. The first game in this series is just playing out the idea "What if Hitler never came into power because Albert Einstein uses his time machine to shoot him?"
The political answer is that with Hitler out of the way, nobody is there to keep the Soviet Union in check and they start World War II, only without the mass genocide, so arguably its a better scenario. So the Allied Nations fight the Soviet Union and win because 'Muricah.
The Sequel picks up a few years later, and the new Soviet Prime Minister feels like nows a good time to take his revenge for their last defeat. So they launch an all out invasion of the U.S. and Europe and kick the Allied Nations' collective asses right out of there. 'Muricah still wins in the end.
The campaign railroads you pretty hard as far as what you are allowed to use and when, but the game follows the usual formula of Build>Develop>Fight>Repeat>>Win.
There are nine nations to choose from in the multiplayer, each with their own special unit to command:
Allied Nations (Basically the U.N.)
America - Paratroopers (Hallelujah, it's rainin' men)
Great Britain - Sniper (One-shots infantry)
Germany - Tank Destroyer (One-shots most tanks)
France - Grand Cannon (Really big gun)
South Korea - Black Eagle (Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger plane)
Soviet Union
Russia - Tesla Tanks (Nikola would be proud)
Iraq - Radiator (Radiation for everyone!)
Libya - Demolition Truck (Stuff blowing up)
Cuba - Terrorist (...uh...)
Yeah...the Soviets are basically Terrorists from the '60's. Also they have psychics and clones and nukes. The Allies just have superior technology and spies and concentrated beams of destructive light and teleporting soldiers that can phase things out of existense.
Also they mastered Time Travel by the time the expansion came, so that's something.
Score: UNIT READY, INSUFFICIENT FUNDS
MAESTRO'S MISSING MANIC MONDAY MANIA MARCH MADNESS MONSTROSITY!
Mario Party
Ruining Friendships since 1998
HOLY SHIT!
IT'S F***** MARTY PASTRY!
THAT'S SHIT'S DELICIOUS!
So what is this bullshit? Bullshit. This bullshit is bullshit.
You can't win based on skill, cause some jackass will either steall all of you coins or land on Chance Time and screw you over or land on Bowser and FUCK EVERYTHING UP.
You can't win based on luck, because you can't get lucky when playing with the Devil's Plaything.
You can't win based on being non-threatening, because this is Mario Party, we play to the death.
So what do you do? Collect coins. Why? To buy stars. Why? Because Fuck you Toad, that's why.
Oh and the minigames. Oh, THE MINI GAMES. Some are ok. Others are button mashers, which are bullshit. Others still are based on luck, which is bullshit.
And then there's Tug of War. TWICE. Good God, Tug of War. Lucifer himself could not devise something as tortuous as this. You know the spinning Bowser mechanic from Marx Brother's 66? Take that, and weaponize it.
And then give it to 6 year olds.
I have no friends now. Nobody wants to play with me. This game has marked me for life. Scarred me for life. I pray none of you have to share my fate. Go, run, run far away. Run from this endless nightmare. Escape now with your sanity and social life intact!
No! Not you Toad! No, NO! Ah! No! NO! Not Chance Time! ANYTHING BUT THAT! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Score: Chance Time! I'm so alone. It's so cold...
It's Wendsday.
Quote from: MaestroUGC on March 27, 2013, 12:06:06 AMScore: Chance Time! I'm so alone. It's so cold...
:'(
It actually helps to build friendships and bonds when you're trying to take down an NPC who's in the lead. :P But I digress!
Quote from: Yugi on March 27, 2013, 12:20:56 AMIt's Wendsday.
That, good sir, is the sheer brilliance of it all. Nobody would ever think that a "MANIC MONDAY MANIA MARCH MADNESS MONSTROSITY" could ever take place on a Wednesday.
In a few weeks expect something absolutely special to come from this thread.
Paper Mario
The Not-Super-Mario-RPG Sequel
So what kind of shit is Marno going this time? Welp, looks like someone cast a papyrus spell cause everthing has the depth of a sheet of paper. It looks like Bowser kidnapped Peach's Castle, with the broad still inside so he gets a point for cunning. Mario is quickly ejected from low orbit and killed on impact.
It was a short game, but there's the usual "You're the choen one" bullshit that keeps K-Mart alive. Turns out that the only way to stop Bowf is by collecting some trading cards that are magic. So Mario does that, and makes a few friends along the way, and murders absolutely everyone standing in his way.
Once again the day is saved, thanks to mass murder!
Also, I'm not too sure, but I think Marionette has a bit of a mental deficiency. Oh well.
Score: When in doubt, beat them to death with a hammer.
Super Smash Bros.Nintendo's Answer to Mortal KombatWho would win in a fight, Mario or Luigi? This is the game to solve that age-old question.
So you pick some characters from Nintendo Franchises and duke it out in mortal combat. Mario, Kirball, Yush-Yush, Mule Monkey, Captain Douchebag, Fennec McCoolname, Samus Not-man, Pikamin, NES, and Jiggle Giggle.
Then you pick a place to fight. And then you fight. The loser was robbed of a sure victory, the winner is a cheating bastard.
Also Luggy is in the game. Good for him.
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
You fight Glover at the end.
Final score: `/¨
JIGGLE GIGGLE OH GOD I AM DYING
Final score?
You got me, I have no authority to review viddy gams anymore. Without a score I clearly have no idea what I'm talking about.
9/Tetris
Look at this thing I haven't posted in in two weeks.
Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.
Maestro your avatar broke.
WormsWipe them out, all of themI love playing with Worms. Smashing them, smushing them, throwing, hitting, burning, otherwise erasing them from the space-time continuum. But what do I think about Worms, the games? Let's find out.
Worms is an Artillery game where the goal is to be the last team/man standing. You control four worms and an arsenal of awesome and inane weapons. Some are common and practical (bazookas, shotguns, mines), others are awesome but specific (flamethrower, dynamite, kamikaze). There are some that are tools for getting around (jetpack, ninja rope, teleporter), and others that let you run like a big baby (drill, girders, kamikaze).
And then there are weapons so awesome that their mere existence can mean the difference between victory and defeat (banana bombs, exploding sheep, anything with the prefix "super")
You aim and fire, and hope the wind doesn't blow it back in your face.
Score: Nailed it
I Wonder What's inside the Secret Box! You Don't, so Don't Bother Clicking.
You Just Had to Click Didn't You?
Bonus Episode!!!!!!
Shit, I forgot I had a Bonus Episode planned for today.
Uh.
Something Witty.
There, happy?
Score: Figure A/Column B
Maestro's Top Ten Mario Kart Tracks !!APPROPRIATE NUMBER OF EXCLAIMATION POINTS TO CONVEY MY EXCITEMENT!!Because I can't figure out which game I want to review nextNobody asked for it, so I'm going to give it to you. I grew up playing the sh*t out of Luigi Kart throughout my life, so I thought I'd share my most favorite courses.
Number 10: Baby Park - Mario Kart: Double Trouble
Turn left. Turn left again. Go straight. Turn left. Turn left again. Repeat.
Seriously, this is the track to really test your Mario Kart skill. 9 laps, no items, Star Fox only.
Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9: Yoshi Valley - Mario Kart 64bit Processing
When I was a wee lad of 9 years old I had the perfect route for navigating this mad maze of a Mario Kart track. One wrong turn could send you off of a cliff or straight into last(?) place. The fact that you can't really tell whose first and last until after you crossed the finish line is a thing of trolling beauty.
Numbah 8: Mario Circuit 1 - Supra Mayro Cart
The Alpha of Mario Kart tracks, and one of my favorites as its really a testament to the balance of skill and luck that the series trives on.
Lucky Number 7: Toad's Turnpike - Mario Kart 2
HALLEY SHIET!!! There's nothing more nerve racking than trying to dodge oncoming tracking TEN TIMES YOUR SIZE.
Number Sexy-time: Grumble Volcano - Mario Kart: Waggle Edition
There's something magical about racing as the ground is literally falling out from beneath you. It feels like you're trying to outrun the Apocalypse, and even more maddening as you get hit by a Fucking Blue Shell RIGHT BEFORE YOU CROSS THE FINISH LINE! GOD DAMNIT, TIM! FUCK YOU!!
Number Golden Rings: Royal Raceway - Mario Kart 64DD
A pretty straightforward course. Yep, some left turns. Some right turns. And then you go up, and up, and up, and up...
POOMP
Peach's Castle is also kind of cool.
Number Fo' Sucka: Maka Wuhu - Mario Kart 3DS
There's just something so peaceful about this track that I just love. It may be the tropical atmosphere that reminds me of Sunshine, but I really enjoy the courses that aren't a loop but are segmented runways.
The Magic Number: Wario Colosseum - Mario Mario Kart Kart
This magnificently massive metal monstrosity of a monumental magnitude is the longest and largest course in the Marp Karp series. It's so long that its default lap count is 2. Combined with the chaos that only Double Dash can offer, and no guard rails, means that this is the course the most either dread or relish. I, myself, go hardcore and race it on 9 full laps with chaotic items.
NUMBER F*CKING TWO!: Bowser Castle 2 - Mario Kart Super Kart Mario Circuit Kart Super Mario Kart Kart Circuit Kart
This is a drifting masterpiece with all of the right angles. Dodging all of the pits and Thwomps and other hazards is a true testament to skill, with very minimal dicking going on. Take that, Tim.
The Loneliest Number: Waluigi Pinball - Mario Kart Dii Ess
Woo man, this is my jam right here! Oh man, the folks over at Nintendo must have gotten a collective aneurism to create what I can only refer to as the most perfect track in the whole series. The theme is awesome. The difficulty curve is just right. And the music is one of the greatest pieces of video game music I've ever heard. And I've heard a lot of video game music. Man, who doesn't love funk? I do. Who wants to be a Pinball Wizard?
I'm sorry for that last joke.
The Rainbow Road SagaYou may have noticed a distinct lack of Rainbow Road in this collection. The Rainbow Road tradition always stands out as the grand finale of the series, and I've always considered them to be in a prix of their own. So I'll rank them here, with no explanation as to why and with as little pomp and circumstance as possible.
Mario Kart Super Circuit
Super Mario Kart
Mario Kart 64
Mario Kart Double Dash
Mario Kart 7
Mario Kart DS
Mario Kart Wii
Score: The entire point of this review was to individually rate these tracks from least to most favorite. Not only would giving a cumulative score not make sense for a thread that has as little semblance of sense as inhumanly possible, but it also defeat the purpose of rating these all in the first place.
Oh, fine.
Score: Hamster/Gerbil
Yoshi Valley fucks bitches up.
nuff said
^totes. Bitchin' review, btw, maestro. You really captured the beauty of mario kart xD
Banjo-Kazooie
Bear + Bird = Perfection
Perfect.
Score: Ah! Sweet Mystery of Life at last, I've found you!
The NeverhoodYou've Never heard of this game int The 'HoodThe Neverhood is a PC game dating back to 1996. And it is magnificent.
Claymation? Check.
Off-the-wall Humor? Check.
Fantastic Music? So Much Check.
Our hero is Klaymen, a Klay person, and we are dropped into the game with no explanation or exposition. And I love it.
You go play now.
Score: Dum-da-dum doi doi
Seriously, check out the soundtrack. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9EyLZQXSqI&list=PLBA46391F5FC89E90)
Right now! (//http://)
Do it! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9EyLZQXSqI&list=PLBA46391F5FC89E90)Spoiler
DO IT NOW, Ya Greedy Bastard! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9EyLZQXSqI&list=PLBA46391F5FC89E90)
Super Mario GalaxyWhat the f*** are physics?So Wal-Mart's back for a new adventure, and this time he's shooting for the starts. Seriously, he's shooting for literal stars in space by using other stars to get him there.
Why? Because Dumb Bitch got herself kidnapped by Bowtie and he's decided to become a living God. Fortunately Mario actually
has God on his side.So Marx tears a bloody swath through space to save the intergalactic whore, blowing shit up along the way. Yeah! Mario Galaxy! Fuckin' Rad!
Also the whole Universe collapses in on itself and Rosalina the Space God presses the reset button by sacrificing her children. There's a pretty heavy-handed newborn metaphor, but it's much better than...another Nintendo game starring a space traveler.
Music ranges from good to awesome to "We get it, you guys wrote the Mario theme, shut the F*** up already!" and back around to good.
Spoiler
Super Luigi Galaxy is far better.
Score: Lumas/Einstein
I agree completely with the score, good sir! Quite well said.
bump because review ALL the games!
Sorry, my gaming energies have been devoted to preparing for my Let's Play. Expect reviews to pick up in a week or so.
Quote from: MaestroUGC on May 29, 2013, 09:21:17 PMSorry, my gaming energies have been devoted to preparing for my Let's Play. Expect reviews to pick up in a week or so.
i totally understand. i have so many unfinished projects right now it's ridiculous.
Yoshi's StoryWait, what are they saying...?This game has a reputation for being a love it or hate it game amongst gamers. Which end of the spectrum do I lie? I don't know, so let's find out.
The story of Yoshi's Story is a story of love, a story of determination, a story of setting what once went wrong right again. But above all else, the story of Yoshi's Story is a story about fruit.
So the Yushis wake up one day to find their "Super Happy Tree" (re: weed) stolen by Da Baby Bows and they went to get their stash back. And they were never seen or heard from again.
The End.
Then a bunch of Yumps hatch and they decide they're not going to f*** up like their folks and went to go raid Da Baby Busner's house to get their sh*t back. They set off on a epic quest in what is simultaneously the most adorable and horrifying adventure ever shown.
In order to progress the game, you choose a level out of a possible four. In each level you have to collect 30 fruits and three hearts. But you don't have to collect the hearts, they just determine how many levels are open in the next page.
The Bab-yuths run around eating everything, and shooting eggs (assumed to be unborn Babe Yuths) in order to eat more things.
Spoiler
Don't question me about the reproductive capabilities of the Yushths, nobody has ever been able to study them. Any information is based purely on speculation, as only a handful of people have ever gotten close enough to one without getting eaten first, and the associated Yuthle-flumps have been routinely thrown off of cliffs shortly thereafter.
Once they reach Babsters place they beat him up and take their shiz back, yo. All accompanied by the most sickeningly adorable and catchy music all the while.
And then they all get "Supper Happy" (re: high as ballz) and lived happily ever after.
The End.
Score: Be careful/Ow-wahwahwahwahwah
Oh my god.
I never knew that about the hearts until just now.
What is wrong with me.
Conker's Bad Fur DayA Cautionary TaleSo one day the Rareware decided to make another video game. They were pretty good at doing that, y'know? So what did they decide to make?
Another Donkey Kong? No.
Another Diddy Kong? No.
Another Mandolin and Fife? Pfft, those games sucked.
Another Squirrel Game? Fuck yeah!
So the Rareware decided to make another cutesy collect-a-thon game for the Ensixfore. But they also decided they wanted to sniff all the cocaine.
So they did.
Bam!
And then you get Conker's Bad Fur Day. You run around as a drunk-ass squirrel and just do shit. It's fucking awesome. He swears like a mother-fucking and drinks like a horny cow on a field trip. So he runs around, fucking shit up, all while trying to get back to his home, damnit. Press the jump button and flies straight to the moon like a tipsy Buzz-Fucking-Aldrin. Press it again and he hovers around like the ginger bastard he is. Press the not-jump button and does all sorts of shit.
He goes around the place collecting all the money he can snort. And eventually uncovers a secret plot to assassinate the Fairy Panther King and usurp the throne by a bunch of fucking Teddy Bears lead by a Goddamn Weasel.
Holy shit. It's Rated M, for Mother Fucker. One of the few Nintendo Games to ever get that rating.
And by God, is this game a piece of shit! One of the best things I've ever played.
Fuck.
Score: Tits/$$$
Mature Content Warning
I swear up the ass in the above review. If you have a problem with me saying "fuck" and "shit", take your bitching somewhere else. Bastard.
Dat spoiler FTW
"He swears like a mother-fucking and drinks like a horny cow on a field trip."
I am trying to comprehend this statement but I legitimately cannot
New Super Retro Bros.What happens when you realize you can do whatever the f*** you want with your IP and people will love itSo one day the Nintendo decided to make another video game. They were pretty good at doing that, y'know? So what did they decide to make?
Another Legend of Zelda? No.
Another Kirby? No.
Another Pikmin? Pfft, those games aren't real.
Another Mario Game? F*** yeah!
So Nintendo decided to make another run and jump game for the Dises. But they also decided to sniff all the cocaine.
So they did.
Bam!
And then you get New Super Mario Bros. You run around as Murphettio high on 'shrooms and
murder everything in your path. And it's awesome. He jumps like Lance Bass in a limbo contest at a party at his local YMCA. So he runs left, f***ing sh*t up, all wjile trying to rescue Dumb Broad, d***it. Press the run button and he burns down forests faster than a chihuahua chasing down the taco man trying to get his next fix. Press and hold it and runs itno the nearest pit like the fat paisano he is. Touch the not-runny-screen and he does all sorts of shit.
He runs left collecting all the coins he can Jew off the ground. He eventually fights Bowser or some sh*t like that.
Holy sh*t. It's not Rated M for Mario. One of the few Nintendo Games to ever not get that rating.
And by God, this game is a work of genius. One of the worst things I've never played.
Shit.
Score: New/Copy
Mature Content Warning
The above review is fine.
Wario WorldMaking the leap to 3D nearly 6 years laterSo one day the Nintendo decided to make another video game. They were pretty good at doing that, y'know? So what did they decide to make?
Another Legend of Zelda? No.
Another Kirby? No.
Another Pikmin? Pfft, those games aren't real.
Another Wario Game? F*** yeah!
So Nintendo decided to make another run and steal game for the Gump. But they also decided to sniff all the cocaine.
So they did.
Bam!
And then you get Wario World. You run around as Wartis high on garlic and murder everything in your path. And it's awesome. He sucks like Christina Aguilera doing hookah at her boyfriend new year's bachelor party. So he runs aroung, f***ing sh*t up, all while trying to rescue his fortune, d***it. Press the run button and he runs down animals faster than the mailman trying to deliver an express package to his next stop before the post office closes at 6:00 in the middle of a snowstorm in August. Press and hold it and runs into the nearest pit like the fat f*** he is. Thouch the suck button and he turns into the first national bank of tits.
He runs left collecting all the coins he can Jew off the ground. He eventually fights the Hope Diamond, or some sh*t like that.
Holy sh*t. It's not Rated M for Muscles. One of the few Nintendo Games to ever not get that rating.
And by God, this game exists. One of the worst things I've ever wanted to play.
Damn.
Mature Content Warning
They haven't noticed it yet.
Kirby 64
The Crystal Shards
Blueflower said he hated my reviews. He said he doesn't understand them and proceeded to attack my character. I then told him I'd do a straight review of a game he chose. He chose Kirby 64. Here's what I think of the game in a no-nonsense, by-the-numbers, point-by-point review and critique of Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards.
Story:
Gameplay:
Music:
Replay Value:
Characters:
Writing:
Difficulty:
Final Thoughts:
Final Score: /
Maestro, I absolutely adore you
If the world was this frivolous we would never get anything done, and it would be glorious.
It would mean no more war.
And also no more food, because we wouldn't produce any more.
But then we'd all be dead, which means no more war.
A simple, but elegant solution.
Maestro Reviews Slow Reviews Games
A NinMetaMusic Column
This dingus thinks he can get away with "decent internet journalism" and has some credibility by "actually playing the games he reviews." Well I'm here to say "Not in my neighborhood sister, if you want to review sh*t you goota do things my way."
So what better way to show him how than the strut around in front of him and mock him like a thirsty peacock attempting a sacred mating dance while eating hot coals made of forgotten dreams.
First you gotta get rid of all that honesty bullsh*t. Nobody cares if you want to express your opinions and some stupid game, so don't.
Second you gotta stop giving the little things scores to make them seem important. Nobody cares about the story. Nobody cares about the gameplay. And nobody gives a single damn about music around here.
Third you gotta stop talking. God damnit you take up alot of space.
Now, I will learn you the vital skillz to be as cool as JFK on the moon.
First, don't actually address what game you are talking about in the review. Nobody cares about what you're talking about, neither should you.
Second, you belittle your own review by using numbers and sh*t. Don't act like you can use some number consistantly like some smart valley girl.
Third, brevity.
And to show you how it all comes together, I will review your last review.
Slow talks about some bullshit
This gumpletund starts off by qualifying his review by calling back to other reviews. Continuity is fo p******. Slump- then goes on talking about some stupid game and how much he "liked it".
Liar.
Then he throws numbers at us like TI89 trying to find the meaning of true love. It fails and commits suicide, so thanks for that imagery. Skruill then tells me what I'll like and won't like! Thanks, man! I lack higher brain function to figure it out for myself so I'm glad you were thoughtful enough to tell me these things.
Score: awesome vs. lame
I win.
Yes you do. Yes. You. Do.
How poetic.
"So what better way to show him how than to strut around in front of him and mock him like a thirsty peacock attempting a sacred mating dance while eating hot coals made of forgotten dreams."
My favorite line ever
Pap Smear 2
Ew. Gross.
So Mario is back to his old Aprils tricks! The broad gets kidnapped again, and Murt sets off to save her for the gajillionth time.
What?
Oh, sorry.
The gajillion first time. My mistake.
However this time Boxcar didn't do it. And Wart didn't do it. So who do it? There's only two...it. And Mario knew it.
Wait. What?
Ugh. Jus- Just cut that out.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention.
HE'S MADE OUT OF F****** PAPER!
So Mr. Stache runs around some stupid Not-Mushroom-Kingdom port and then finds himself on the moon, and then Hell.
Oh yeah, he makes some friends or whatever. He has a hammer too, and that's cool.
Bam, boom, pow!
He saves the day. He defeats Girl Satan. And then he rescues Girl Satan stupid fruitname.
Score: fish sticks/9
Girl Satan was so freakin scary...
Donkey Kong County
Located just outside the Mushroom Kingdom, take exit 155
So, the dumpy klup has his own game now! Who'd of thought that would be a good idea? Apparently not Nintendo, since they tossed this "beloved" IP to those jack-holes at Rare.
What's the story?
I don't know, bananas or some shit. A bunch of alligators and other assorted anmphibians (who kall themselves Cremlings) stole them and Donk Ankh got mad and after them. He tears a bloody swath thought Kong Island (which is shaped like him. No, no video game designer knows how geography works) to get them back.
He has a smaller monkey to help him, which is clearly the superior option of the two.
The two reach the top of the island-head and then head back down to get on a boat to fight the bigga boss: King K. Rool.
Man, that's a dumb name. They all have dumb names, and apparently don't know what the letter "c" is. Although, you could argue that it's the illiteracy of Rarewhere?
Jump up, get banana. Jump down, get banana. Walk left, get banana. Walk right, fall into a pit. Win game.
God damnit, Rare ruined a perfectly goo character with an inherently bad idea.
What?
THERE'S THREE OF THEM?!?!?!?!
Score: love/three oranges
OH! King Krool!
I take it all back, this game is a work of absolute genius.
And by genius I mean utter garbage.
Score: grunt/growl
Super Mario World
A Tale of Dinosaurs
So the Super Nintendo needed a hit game to launch with. Why not go with Mert?
Super Mario World is a standard Mario adventure, filled with new friends and enemies, wonderful music, and new gameplay, mechanics.
All-in-all, a solid adventure.
Score: 7/feather
Quote from: MaestroUGC on September 18, 2013, 01:59:49 PMScore: 7/feather
^That's an improper fraction, Maestro. I caught a typo in your review.. :/
You don't appreciate art. There's nothing wrong with his review.
This is one of my favorites so far, actually.
Quote from: SlowPokemon on September 18, 2013, 06:03:55 PMYou don't appreciate art.
Quote from: JDMEK5 on Some time in the distant pastArt is an explosion!
And I never said anything was wrong with his review. I just said there was a typo. An obviously intentional one. Did you honestly think I would doubt Maestro?
JD, I never knew you were Deidara.
Quote from: Yugi on September 18, 2013, 10:14:47 PMJD, I never knew you were Deidara.
Yes! Somebody finally got it after all these years!!*regains composure*
I was way back when. My avatar at the time:
JDMEK5's old avatar from "way back when"
(https://www.ninsheetmusic.org/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg-cache.cdn.gaiaonline.com%2F16ce4e03585f83da6e6a5f2741f36355%2Fhttp%3A%2F%2Fi281.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fkk234%2FSaphireDragon13r%2FNaruto%2FDeidara11.jpg&hash=21205eda63e8e19da4c672dd7d7829c9c4093a01)
(Much smaller of course)
That part where I quoted myself I was quoting my personal text. That's exactly what it read "way back when".
Super Mario World
A Tale of Love
So the Super Nintendo needed a hit game to launch with. Why not go with Mert?
Super Mario World is a standard Mario adventure, filled with new friends and enemies, wonderful music, and new gameplay, mechanics.
The story begins with Princess Peach getting kidnapped, what again? Ugh. So her faithful hero Mario, and Luigi, I guess, sets off to rescue her. Along the way he meets Yoshi, an Omnivoric Dinosaur with an appetite to rival Kirby's, and together they save the Princess from Bowser. How original.
A predictable story, but a fun game overall.
Score: egg/apple
ZORKAlso known as:
Dungeon
Zork is an online game made for the computer. You play it on the computer with your computer. There aren't any computers in the game except the computer that computes your commands and computers out an answer for you to computer on. You go to google on your computer and type in "Play Zork Online". Then you play zork on the computer with your computer. You get to swing swords at stuff and you're likely to be eaten by a grue and you get to eat garlic and throw stuff at stuff and visit flood control dam #3 and stuff and you get to drown yourself and stuff by melting a glacier with a torch and stuff and there's a gold coffin that you can put stuff in and stuff and stuff happens when you type stuff like scream, shout, jump, and laugh and stuff and you get a silver wire and stuff and you collect treasure and stuff and if you play this game don't forget to open the mailbox.
I would absolutely recommend this game to anybody who doesn't like using guides for games, because you'll give up within 100 moves.
Score: 42 / What kind of person are you, attacking a table with a sword?
Spoiler
Did I do it right?
GET OFF MY TURF.
Oh, absolutely
In all actuality I enjoyed that quite a bit, the only downside is you actually gave your opinion about the game. Have you no shame?
What is this... SHAME... you speak of?
Plot Twist, Maestro and Nocturne of Shadow are the same person, under multiple personalities.
Someone messing with Maestro.
Whoa.
Quote from: MaestroUGC on September 26, 2013, 10:43:11 AMHave you no shame?
edit ;; and...... siggy change.
Quote from: Sir Dino on September 26, 2013, 06:31:27 PMSomeone messing with Maestro.
We'll always
call you remember you as Maestro Aamir!
Unless it angers Maestro...
Quote from: Yugi on September 26, 2013, 05:28:50 PMPlot Twist, Maestro and Nocturne of Shadow are the same person, under multiple personalities.
Nah, we just both happen to have similar multiple personalities. Who would argue with themselves?
Pfft.
what the fuck is a leaflet
Quote from: Yugi on September 27, 2013, 06:17:25 PMwhat the fuck is a leaflet
"Inside the mailbox is a leaflet"
READ THE LEAFLET
Quote from: Yugi on September 27, 2013, 06:17:25 PMwhat the fuck is a leaflet
LEAFLET, DEFINITION:
1. a printed sheet of paper, sometimes folded, containing information or advertising and usually distributed free.
Quote from: BlackDragonSlayer on September 27, 2013, 06:56:12 PMLEAFLET, DEFINITION:
1. a printed sheet of paper, sometimes folded, containing information or advertising and usually distributed free.
You GOTTA OPEN THE MAILBOX FOOL
http://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5175.0
Quote from: Yugi on September 27, 2013, 07:01:27 PMhttp://www.ninsheetm.us/smf/index.php?topic=5175.0
Oh man I practically was likely to be eaten by a grue, I was laughing so hard... xD
Super Mario World
A Tale of a Forgotten Brother
So the Super Nintendo needed a hit game to launch with. Why not go with Mert?
And by Mert I obviously mean Mert and Lugth, the Supor Palette Swap Bros.!
By which of course I mean Luigi isn't in this game. Why? Becuase Nintendo hates Luigi and he'll never have his own games.
So what does Lglhlg do in this fatastish adventure? He runs right and jumps a bit. OH BOY, HOW ORIGINAL NINTENDO. WAY TO GO. You think they'd have an original idea by now? F*** no, their just going to rehash the same plot and mechanics like a frycook at the Potash Institute for Higher Learning and Other Unecessary Functions Vital for the Survival of the Human Race Provided Everybody Suddenly Learns That War is Not the Answer and that Love is Just Bullshit so We're All F*****. Original ideas? What is this, the 90's?
Oh, it is? Huh. Well Nintendon't has successfully shown you can milk a single idea for years and nobody will ever care. You piece of shit.
So if you choose to play as Lester, it'll be the exact same as playing as Mester, so just play as Meth, because he is clearly the superior of the two since ALL OF THE GAMES ARE NAMED AFTER HIM. Fuck Luster.
God Damnit.
Score: novel/money-grabbing whore
Super Mario World is just that good of a game that it needs to be reviewed three times.
Super Mario World
A Family Adventure
So the Super Nintendo needed a hit game to launch with. Why not go with Mert?
And by Mert I mean Brows. So the Koopa Dupa decided to kidnap the woman thing again, and this time he decided to take his children along for the ride?
There's seven of them (Seven?!?!? S***!!!!!) and Brumserwoee thinks it's a good idea to thrown them in Mario's path of destruction and agony. Sure, they may present a challenge since they are "boss-types", but how much of a chance do they have?
Well, needless to say they all die. Way to go BRW, father of the year you sack of sh-
So after MRoI brutally murders Bur's progeny, he decides to start throwing things at the plumbledum like a small child who just lost their even smaller child. Just like a child. The princess gets in on the action too, but she has the mental capacity of a child so I guess it's okay.
Also, steel balls.
Can I go now?
Score: more garbage/contractual obligation
ok maestro i think we get it
i cant breathe
Super Mario WorldYet Another Mario Game ReviewSo the Super Nintendo needed a hit game to launch with. Why not go with Mert?
NO! No more! I can't do this anymore! Why? Why are you making me do this?!?!? It's like Groundhog Day but with more Mario.
I never wanted to do this in the first place! All I wanted to do was talk about some of my favorite games, but not like this! Never like this...
It's not even that interesting of a game! All you do is run and jump! That's it. That's all it ever is! God D*****! I can't tell how tired this series is! Why can't they give Meriiie something like guns or a hot female antagonist that he can sex with like James Bond? Why can't he get a gritty rebbot that has him fighting with the Resistance against a hot female antagonist that he can sex with? Why can't he not be a cheery psychopath and have a hot female antagonist that he can sex with?
I want tits, damnit! Not this junk. F*** you!
I'm sorry it had to come to this. I just can't take it anymore. You are all terrible people and I hate every single one of you.
Eat a d*** Miyamoto.
Score: tits/ass
Spoiler
F***!
I saw there was a new post and I knew it was going to be another Super Mario World review and I fucking clicked it anyway and just
I died laughing.
Quote from: K-NiGhT on October 25, 2013, 07:38:21 PMthen you shouldnt be posting
You died.
Well, it is that time of the year...
Super Mario W-
F***!
::)
Can we count on having a review of Super Mario World?
Monopoly
Satan's Greatest Success
Wait a minute, this isn't a video game. This is just a board game that has been adapted, very poorly, various times to a video game setting. Plus this game took one of my kidneys.
No. I'm not reviewing a board game here.
I will never review a board game here.
What are you going to do about it?
Quote from: MaestroUGC on November 21, 2013, 07:44:45 PMNo. I'm not reviewing a board game here.
I will never review a board game here.
What are you going to do about it?
I will bankrupt you. :)
Quote from: MaestroUGC on November 21, 2013, 07:44:45 PMWhat are you going to do about it?
Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200
Last time on Maestro Shouts at You about Video Games and Other Bulls***:
Quote from: MaestroUGC on November 21, 2013, 07:44:45 PMNo. I'm not reviewing a board game here.
I will never review a board game here.
What are you going to do about it?
Super Mario WorldALRIGHT FINE THEN.You piece of sh-
Monopoly
The Root of All Evil
Besides Taxes
Alright, so what's going on here? Where's the TV?
No TV? Oh! Is this on the Oculus Rift? That thing looks so cool?
No?
A... board game?
Shit.
Alright, so Monopoly is a game older than time itself, which is impossible to actually be. That's how old it is.
The goal of this "game" is to bankrupt all of your friends and send them into a severe depression and fits of anger along the way. Wait, really? Awesome!
You roll dice, move around, buy sh*t, sell sh*t, and pay taxes! F*** yeah!
Buy enough of the same color and your property values increase and you can build a house on this apparently vacant spot of land that you've been forcing people to pay for standing on.
'K.
Buy enough stuff and you win. There, you happy? Can I go back to barely reviewing real games now?
Hello?
Where the f*** did you go?!?!?
Super Mario 3D World
Look, something modern!
So the Wii U came in 2012 and it has had some trouble getting its feet off of the ground. However over the course of 2013 it has seen a series of releases that has finally given it a library worthy of a Nintendo system. And I think I can safely say that this all culminated with the final big release of the year.
Super Mario 3D World
Normally I use this space to berate and generally spew nonsense vaguely related to the game in question. And while that is fun I feel it belies my own real feelings about those games (most of the time) and so I am going to share my thoughts about the latest Super Mario game in earnest.
This is, hands down, the best game I've played all year. 2013 has been a rather slow year for gaming, with not much of interest coming out for either Microsoft and Sony, and Nintendo has been struggling to build steam, 3DS aside. The year 2014 has all major parties with new consoles and great promises, but we'll see how things go.
The Game:
Being a Mario game there's not much to expect from it, but that's a good thing. Nintendo has a working and winning formula here so all they need to do is keep the franchise fresh. And boy, did they ever liven things up.
Gameplay: The game control how a Mario game should. The controls are tight and lacking for nothing and the power-ups feature the classics we all know and love as well as some new additions. Such additions are the new cat suit, which has been heavily featured throughout the game, and the double cherry, which adds a copy of the player's character whenever you pick up the fruit.
When I first saw the cat suit, I honestly thought it was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in a Mario game, and that's saying something. However, after seeing it in action and playing with it myself, I think it is one of the most original ideas seen in a Mario game in a long time of the most original ideas seen in a Mario game in a long time. It really opens up a new dimension to exploring the levels and looks absolutely adorable. The double cherry brings a new bit of complexity to the tried and true formula, and really doubles your fun.
I'm sorry about that.
Harking back to the days of the Nintendo Entertainment System, Miyamoto pulls a page from Super Mario Bros. 2 and allows you to choose between Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Toad for this adventure. But that's not all! Order now and you can play with your friends! They can choose from any of the other playable characters to join you in your adventure. Co-op in a Mario game that doesn't make you want to hurt your friends? Alright by me.
Story: Princess Peach gets kidnapped and, wait no she doesn't. Nope this time there are this little fairies (which will now be referred to as the Fairy Plumber Sisters) that Bowser kidnaps to steal their power, or something. Ok so the plot isn't that different, but it isn't Peach this time so A+ Nintendo. Plus the Super Fairy Plumber Sisters are f****** adorable. Seriously, they make you feel all giddy every time you save one of them. Plus together they make a RAINBOW!
Those are fun.
Atmosphere: Does the game look like a Mario game? Yes. The Mario games have a distinct look about them ,and while certain games change the locale from time to time they always feel part of the same universe. 3D World feels right at home with me, plus the music features heavy doses of swing which is A-Okay by me. It's important to have the right music and backdrop when you're stompin' goombas, and this game has it in spades.
Multiplayer: Top notch and lacking for nothing. I played this with my friends and they all have various Mario skillz, and each character offered something for each of them. Mario is the standard for those who want a typical platforming experience; Peach is Baby-Mode for those who don't know how to Mary-o; Toad is perfect for the speedy-types; and Luigi is Hard-Mode with his floaty controls but clearly superior jumping abilities. Year of Luigi indeed.
Having all four at once works really well, and unlike the New Super Mario Bros. games, there's no infighting but real and honest co-operation throughout. They finally got Co-op in a Mario game right.
Complaints: No online multiplayer. I mean really Nintendo? It's bad enough that the Wii U has been struggling but here you have one of the biggest games of the year and one of its major selling points in co-op and you don't put it online? Alright, so the game works best when everybody is working together and people don't wander off ahead of the group, but surely there's a way to do that online. Even then, why not make an option to have people race to the end, a test of skill? This has to be my biggest complaint against Nintendo is general these days, they have yet to truly understand the big deal of online play in their titles. Games like Zelda and Metroid don't need it and that's fine, but if there's any bit of multiplayer in a game these days then make it available online! Give people a reason to buy the Wii U, let them play Mario with thousands of people in an instant.
That is probably the only detriment to this game which is a shame because it is so wonderful and damn near perfect in every other respect. If Nintendo can keep this up then 2014 is going to be a good year for them. Mario Kart is on the way, Smash 4 is looking promising and something Zelda has been teased. Throw in some Metroid or Star Fox (how about both?) and Nintendo can take its competitors by storm.
Final Thoughts:
It's hard for me to put into words how perfect of an experience this is for a Mario game. While I love the NSMB series and enjoy them thoroughly, I've been wanting another game like Super Mario 64 for a long time now. This game comes damn near close. And while it may not be the Mario game I wanted, it is definitely a masterpiece and shows Nintendo hasn't lost their touch. Having grown up on Mario games, and with the franchise being my all-time favorite, this is every bit what a Mario game should be.
Final Score:
9.8/10
Get a Wii U and buy this game. Then buy another Wii U and another copy of this game for a friend.
Quote from: Dude on January 04, 2014, 03:49:07 PMYeah, if you wanna be more like maestro just mess up the names, add an excessive amount of curse words and separate every line with a return.
Welp. So much for that plan.
Wow Maestro, this is my favorite review by you and I totally agree (though in my opinion this game wasn't nearly as good as the Super Mario Galaxy series). You should try serious reviews more often, they're very enjoyable to read.
See Maestro? It wasn't THAT bad, was it? ;)
i'm sure it was absolute torture for him :( you have no idea the amount of pain he's probably feeling right now inside himself
Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. I spend all of my free time writing music or some sh*t like that when I should be playing video games like a productive member of society. So, like any grown, well adjusted and mentally stable adult I decided to abandon all hopes at a successful music career and invest all of my time into reviewing video games for the internet. And we all know that music is not profitable anyway and I'm a terrible musician anyway so this is clearly the better option to take.
'Cuz money.
Wii Music
Ah shit.
Remember the Wii? What are you doing? Wait. Stop! Pull your pants back up!!! Jesus Christ what king of show do you think I'm running here?
Pervert. The sex scene isn't until we review Dig Dug, if you know what I mean.
What? No, not now. Wait for me in my dressing room, you big stud.
Leave the pants...
So yeah, the Wii. Nintendy's greatest hit to date, and with it came a whole bunch of waggle games for you to shake you Wii around to entice young ladies to approach you and tell you to stop before they call the cops. And what was the greatest of the bunch?
Nintendo Land
But we're not talking about that one, we're talking about Wii Music. This game is basically Guitar Hero, by which I mean nothing like guitar hero at all. Guitar requires some level of coordination and no prior musical ability to succeed, whereas Wiisic takes no physical coordination and actually expects you to be a goddamn virtuoso in every instrument possible.
Piano? Press down and hit a button.
Drums? Swing down EXACTLY ON THE BEAT OR ELSE SATAN WILL EAT YOU MOM AND FEED YOUR PETS UNTIL THEY EXPLODE
Violin? Paganini's only.
Dog? Now you're just joking, aren't you?
Wait seriously?
GODDAMNIT NINTENDO! You can't be doing this shit and expect to get money. This is why nobody likes you. You're like the weird kid in class who knows all about the Math and passes all the tests yet you spend recess trying to show kids your "authentic piece of a Russian spy satellite that fell in your backyard which totally makes you qualified to be a space spy and fight Space Hitler or whatever the f*** you think you're doing on top of the swing set."
God that kid was weird. Max if you're reading this I want you to know how weird you were when you were eight. Like seriously. You were and odd boy.
And I didn't even go into you playing Pokémon all the time. "Yes I know you have a Charizard, Max. You tell me everyday." I'm still pretty sure you were talking about your Wii.
Wierdo.
What was I talking about, Wii Music? Oh, right.
So you can Music it up with friends. Though I don't know why you would play this game if you had music-type pokefriends. They call it a "Jam Mode." I call it "Stupid."
You can also conduct an orchestra in a mini game call "Mii Maestro".
WHAT THE FUCK NINTENDO?!?!? That is straight up copyright infringement on my trademark. I'm going to sue you and take over your company and make it less sucky. I'm going to start by making a game where you can fight Space Hitler in space and call it "Kill Space Hitler".
Because fuck Hitler.
And there's some other music bulls*** and god this game is just, I don't even know where to begin. It's like if Nintendo tried to get in on the Guitar Hero action but ignored why it was so popular in favor of unintuitive gameplay and waggle controls. Of course they would later just port Guitar Here over to the Wee and let everything be terrible for everyone equally.
Because equal rights are important and Guitar Hero is the worst thing.
Score: 3 bars/7 moons
F*** this, I'm going back to the music thing.
Quote from: MaestroUGC on February 28, 2014, 11:25:19 PMF*** this, I'm going back to the music thing.
With Maestro abandoning his review thread, I take over the world... of silly game reviews... :3 Do you want to condemn your
fellow NSMers servants to that fate, Maestro?
I always liked the Galactic Horn in Wii Music.
Quote from: BlackDragonSlayer on February 28, 2014, 11:39:05 PMWith Maestro abandoning his review thread, I take over the world... of silly game reviews... :3 Do you want to condemn your fellow NSMers servants to that fate, Maestro?
They didn't deserve me anyway.
But I'm not going let some tart think he's going to just review games because he wants too.
I will be back.
The Wonderful 101
Or: 101 reasons to finally buy a Wii U
This is probably the best game on the system (Pikmin 3 notwithstanding because I have yet to play it). Imagine if a side scrolling beat-em-up got in on with the game engine from Pikmin and had a beautiful, awesome baby.
How should I describe the Wonderful 101? The gameplay is intense and the pacing is spot on for the most part. Of course, that's only if you are terrible at it, which you will be for about the first third of the game. Seriously the learning curve is so steep you'd have in easier jumping from the earth to the moon. The game can drag on at parts, but there are enough variations in the challenges to keep things moving. But what about the gameplay makes W101 such a unique experience?
The Unite Morph.
Throughout your adventure you'll find other heroes and save a few citizens, who all act like Superpower Ammunition of sorts. This is where the Pikmin part comes in as all of these individuals are used to make up a far bigger whole. In order to engage a Unite Morph, you can either draw the necessary shape on the gamepad or with the left stick. The gamepad is probably the faster of the two options when you're trying to learn them, but the right stick is far easier to coordinate with other movement and actions. The more Wonderful Ones or civilians you have, the bigger and more powerful the Morph will be.
Throughout the game you will learn different Morphs, as well as some upgrades and general abilities. I won't list them here because the are quite a few of them and I believe this is a game that should be experienced first hand.
Well, since I can't tell you about the core mechanic of a new game, what can I talk about?
Oh yeah, the story. The writing in this game is some of the best I have seen in a long time. The premise is ostensibly a parody/lampshading of various Superhero tropes, most notably Power Rangers and old monster movies like Godzilla. Earth has been attacked by alien forces for a third time and the world calls upon their masked saviors, The Wonderful 1-double-oh.
The game opens as an alien invasion lays waste to the tranquil Blossom City; the mild mannered Will Wedgewood is on a field trip with his students. After he makes sure his students are safe, he springs into action and transforms into The Crimson First: Wonder Red
The team is led by Wonder Red, the newest member of the Wonderful 100 and chosen to led the team as they drive GEATHJERK from his home city. You eventually meet other member of the Wonderful 100 as you journey across the Earth to drive back and defeat the GEATHJERK Armada. And yes, there are in fact 100 heroes and they all have a unique name, outfit and personnel files. My favorites are Wonder Automobile and Wonder Pierrot the Sad Clown. The writing has a perfect balance of light hearted comedy and great seriousness as the fate of the world is at stake. And the story itself is a damn good one, there were even a couple of plot twists (ok, like, two) that genuinely surprised me.
And to help bring it all together is the wonderful soundtrack. It's so over the top it can't be anything but awesome. I mean, just listen to this! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1Y_bGyck1E)
Final Score:
9.5/10
The Wonderful 101 is the best game on the Wii U right now. It's that unsung gem that's just waiting to sweep you off you feet. So what are you waiting for? Go Buy a Wii U and buy this game. Yeah, I know I gave it a 9.5 and Mario a 9.8. My ratings are totally arbitrary, you should know this by now.
Quote from: MaestroUGC on April 06, 2014, 05:34:30 PMThe Wonderful 1-double-oh.
Wonderful 100
Wonderful 100
100 heroes
I feel conned.
Play the game and it will all make sense.
Still waiting for that Dig-Dug review...
:/
I remember a time where video games weren't a home activity, a time where people gathered to one location to partake in that sweet digital pastime, a time where a fistful of quarters was the only thing standing in the way of that high score.
Goddamn did that suck.
Dig DugOr: Dig Deg Dag Dog: the DuggingDig Dug is an arcade game. You control Dug, or whatever, as he tries to dig out of China into the US by tunneling through the center of the Earth. But the Chinese government does not like that idea so they send monster and shit at him to keep him in their prison state. The only thing standing between Doug and certain death is a bike pump he stole from some poor tourist on his way through boring his way through the mantle. How he uses this to advantage is pretty gross, so I'm not going to tell you.
Spoiler
HE SHOVES THE HOSE INTO THE BEASTS AND INFLATES THEM UNTIL THEY BURST LIKE A WELL FED COW IN THE VACCUUM OF SPACE.
So basically Subterranean Ghostbusters.
Now you might be thinking, "Maestro, surely this Herculean feat is one of epic proportions and Mr. Dig most best both the extreme elements as well as, I'm sure, a vast number of wild beasts roaming the underworld?" to which I say "...the f*** are you talking about?"
Nope, all Funny faces is a dragon, a begoggled tomato, and a rock. Core density, temperature, nor pressure can stand in the way of Mr. Shovel's escape from the Red Menace. In fact, the further he digs, the less challenges he faces along the way.
Eventually Dr. Duggles digs so far into the earth that he literally boils alive as physics finally kicks in and the Inner Core finally renders a proper 5430 °C.
Needless to say that's when the game ends. Music's good though. All one track of it.
At least Mr. Gud had enough foresight to dig his own grave.
Final Score:6ft/25¢
Spoiler
I mean, typically people are buried 6 feet under, not 4 million.
So as part of my new tradition of something old, something new, I figure I might as well jump on the Hype Bandwagon
TM and review:
Mario Kart 8
Almost there, Nintendo. Almost.A few months ago Mario Kart 8 released to great applause and admiration; but it wouldn't be Mario Kart if it didn't have things that want to make us punch Miyamoto himself for this great evil he wrought on this world. Being a Mario Kart game Nintendo has gotten the series down to a science, so it's just a matter of adding a new spice while keeping the old recipe delicious. Sometimes they get it right. Other times they just ruin the dish.
Fortunately this isn't one of those times.
Since Mario Kart is a formulaic game, this will be a formulaic review.
The Next Big ThingEach Mario Kart game features some new mechanic to set it apart from previous entries in addition to keeping some older ones. MK8 sees a return of the bikes introduced in MK Wii and the gliding and underwater driving from Mario Kart 7, the previous two installments. So what did those wonderful people at Nintendo come up with for this latest and greatest kart racing experience?
DRIVING ON WALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mario games have breaking physics for years now, so it was only a matter of time before the only constant force in Mario Kart was thrown asunder in a fury of light and sound. With MK8 they introduce Anti-Gravity; whenever you're driving over certain parts of the track your car will engage in anti-gravity (much like underwater driving) and you can drive on the walls and ceiling like you're the King of England. An extra effect is that whenever you bump into another racer while in anti-gravity mode you can earn a small boost. While in anti-gravity the camera stays behind you for the most part, so it looks like you're still driving on flat ground; though it doesn't follow you perfectly so you still get the feeling that you're giving Misters Newton and Einstein the finger.
While this was the biggest addition to the game, they also added a replay feature for races which allow you to see some highlights from the game
in slow motion! Hands down this is easily the best part in the game.
The RosterWhat would Mario Kart be without the classic Mario cast? Probably Pac-Man Kart, but I'll talk about that some other time. The Mario kart roster has a long and varied history, so I won't talk about the returning vets; instead I'll talk about the new guys. All in all, only a few of them are worth mentioning. Baby Rosalina is the next in a long tradition of baby-fying beloved Mario characters; beyond that there's not much to say about the cosmic toddler. (My money is that Baby Yoshi is next to go through Nintendo's Baby-fication Machine 3000.)
The Koopalings were a big feature in the roster this time around, and boy did that save Nintendo a lot of time in the planning room. I mean, there is just not much to these guys, not that there ever was in the first place. Also Wendy is the most terrifying thing I have ever witnessed. And lastly we have Pink Gold Peach, which is probably the most fabulous thing I have seen in a Mario game in a long time. I mean, my God, there is so much right with the idea of her alone that I don't know how to process it all. At long last My Metal Mario+Metal Peach fan-fiction has come to life!
Item PlayWhat would a Mario Kart game be without items? Probably Forza, but we don't talk about that here. The items are a defining feature in Mario Kart and each iteration comes with its own bag of goodies. The new items for MK8 are the Piranha Plant, the Boomerang Flower, and the Super Horn. The Piranha Plant acts like an active shield, lunging out at other drivers and clearing out immediate obstacles in your way; it also has the added benefit of collecting coins for you and provides you with a small boost with each bite it takes. The Boomerang Flower lets you throw a boomerang and catch it, throw it again and catch it, and throw it a third time for it to shatter on your opponents' heads. The Super Horn is the
second first time ever in a Mario Kart game that you have a chance to fight of the infamous Blue Shell of Doom; it produces a sonic blast which renders all nearby obstacle and drivers into atomic dust.
MK8 also features and upgrade to MK7's earlier item the Lucky 7, adding one more item to the rotation and calling itself Crazy 8. MK8 also removes MK7's Super Leaf, so there's that. The new items add some variety, but personally I don't think they should equalized the Great Equalizer (the Blue Shell). A real man knows how to deal with the Blue Menace.
Playing the GameNow some would argue that being able to play the game is the most important aspect about the game in question. I am not one of those people, but I also believe that movies should be more static, so take that statement for what you will.
In a racing game the most important thing is being able to control your racing experience and actually feel like it. Each Mario Kart game has had some subtle and not so subtle changes made to the handling and control of the racing. Mario Kart 8 handles very closely to MK Wii while adapting the new elements from MK7. Because of the customization in this game, MK8 gives you the tools to build the kart/bike/buggy that you want. I've never been a big fan of the customization aspect, but I can imagine a fair amount of people prefer it over the random guessing game of finding the right kart from a list. The pace of the game itself is really good, though not quite as fast as I'd like. The performance at times feels a little lacking in some moments as well, but these moments are few and far between.
Overall it feels looser than I would like.
Races, Cups, and a Big Let-DownWhat would a Mario kart game be without some kart racin'? F****** Galaga, what kind of question is that? When it comes down to it, the actual racing in this game is King. And I gotta say, this is so close to what I'd like Mario Kart to be that I'd consider the racing in the game to be almost perfect. Almost.
I'll start with the Grand Prix's. In grand Mario Kart Tradition you'll race through 8 cups of four courses to prove you dominance over your opponents. My personal experience with them over the years has primarily been of using them to learn the courses before playing them against real people. This game was really no exception, since the computers aren't much of an issue ever in these games. For the most part, anyway. One change they made is that you'd only have to unlock the cups once in one engine class to unlock them for multiplayer in any class, so that really expedited the fun process. All in all they've gotten the Grand Prix's down to an exact science about 6 iterations ago, so there's not much else to say about them at this point.
The VS. Races have always been the meat of the series and this game is no exception. The VS element in MK8 is spot on and lacks for nothing. Whether it's local co-op or online tournaments, Nintendo knows what they're doing and crafted one of the most perfect multiplayer experiences. A changed element of the racing is the recovery. Traditionally when you fall off the course Lakitu will come to your rescue and drop you at the same spot you fell, usually at a delay of about 4-5 seconds. Now they've changed it to Lakitu Grabbing you almost immediately after you fall and dropping you at a spot where you would be had you not falling, making the only detriment to falling be a loss in speed and coins.
In fact there is really only one truly negative thing about this game: Battle Mode. Wow, Nintendo. Talk about a swing and a miss. Let me give you a run down; the pacing is atrociously slow, the action is almost non-existent, and the direction they decided to create the battles in was just odd on confusing. First off, they didn't create specific courses tailor made for Battle Mode; instead you just duke it out on a few
race courses, which means that you have the
entire stretch of the track to do battle on. Now this is almost mitigated by having a full roster of 12 racers on, but if it's only a handful of people it makes it almost impossible for you to find someone to attack or be attacked by! Second, because of that fact it makes the battles slow and dull, and because they set a time limit of only 2 minutes(!) you spend most of it finding your opponents and maybe about 30 seconds actually fighting. Third, by going this route they give up the golden opportunity to have possibly one of the greatest multiplayer mayhem experiences this side Bomberman. They could've instead crafted 6 tailor made arenas, heavily featuring anti-gravity and the other driving modes and foster some intense off-walling carnage. Hell, the easiest and most obvious arena would be a giant Globe of Death!
To make a long story short: Battle Mode Sucks.
Online MayhemEver since Nintendo wised up and started following Microsoft and Sony's online integration models their internet experiences have increased ten-fold. Racing against friends is streamlined, racing against strangers is much faster to set-up, no more friend codes, and little to no lag in the races. Every now and then you opponents will occasionally fall off the map and just pop back into place, but the engine does a great job keeping track of the racers while racing online so it's not much of an issue in the long run. Battle Mode still sucks.
Tracks GaloreNow what would a Mario Kart game be without some race tracks? Pong.
The race courses are what sets Mario Kart Apart from other racing games, they're what we remember more than the glory and frustration races well won and lost. The addition of anti-gravity allowed for some interesting and novel approaches the course building, and also led to some genuinely great re-imaginings of the Retro tracks. Most of the Nitro courses are sure to become immediate classics to the series, with a few non-starts that leave a bit more to be desired. However the Retro re-workings seem to just have the anti-gravity and other features just pasted on to them if only to just have them there. A few of them genuinely changed the look and feel of the tracks, but most of them are just there for posterity.
I'll probably post a 5 and 5 Best/Worst tracks list for this game at some point, so I'll just talk about some thing I would've liked to see or changed with the tracks in this game. Firstly the anti-gravity in the retro courses is almost non-existent. They could've done some really neat things with the older ones, especially the more flat courses from the first two games. GBA Mario Circuit showed that they could've done some neat things to these courses, if only minimally. N64 Rainbow Road is probably the only Retro course that they actually devoted a lot of change to and it shows. In fact they should've swapped out some of these courses with other choices. Personally they should've brought back Wario Coliseum and feature some truly impressive anti-gravity stunts. Hell that track alone practically foreshadowed this game's main feature and should've been a center piece for the Retro courses.
As far as the new courses go they really showed off what this game could be at its most wonderful. There are a few non-starts, but for the most part these courses lack for nothing. It's as if they spent most of their time and energies on building these 16 courses and sacrificed true rebuilding of the older tracks. Though it should probably be this way, as you generally don't want your older work over shadowing your new efforts, but a little more care would've been appreciated.
Final ThoughtsAll in all Mario Kart 8 stands to become one of the greatest games in the series. The Anti-Gravity is probably the freshest change in the series since the Gamecube's
Double Dash, but it's not enough to become my favorite of the series. Earlier I ranked my Top 10 Mario Kart Tracks (http://forum.ninsheetm.us/index.php?topic=5260.msg209528#msg209528), and if you noticed I tend to prefer tracks that are singular in their experience; tracks that have a defining trait that makes them stand apart from their neighbors. The fact the half of those tracks on that list got remade for this game made me both so very happy and very let down on a few of them. (But seriously, I totally called it.) Sure enough I can probably update that list and add in some of the new tracks to it, but I'll wait a bit and let the game age a bit before doing that, see which ones stand Maestro's Test of Times.
I've said this before while Let's Playing (though I don't think those particular moments have been uploaded yet) but
Mario Kart: Double Dash is my all time favorite Mario Kart and the game I judge all the others' in the series by. This game is so close to that feel of MKDD that I'd probably call it my second favorite Mario Kart experience right now. It's just those few things keep it from standing at the peak like I feel this game should've been.
Final Score9.0/10
So close, Nintendo. Just so, so close. Regardless this is another instant classic for the Wii U, so if you've ignored my reviews of Wonderful 101 (http://forum.ninsheetm.us/index.php?topic=5260.msg243729#msg243729) and Super Mario 3D World (http://forum.ninsheetm.us/index.php?topic=5260.msg236211#msg236211) you should really get a Wii U. These are only a few games for the console that I absolutely love.
Man this was a long-ass review.
Battle Mode is literally the worst thing in this game.
Quote from: MaestroUGC on July 11, 2014, 12:58:17 PMThe Super Horn is the second first time ever
Lol can't you like drift to dodge the blue shells in Double Dash?
No, they changed how the Blue Shell worked in MK7. Now it stays on the ground like it did in MK64. It doesn't give you much room to escape it, but it may be possible to escape it with a well timed boost like in Double Dash but the timing is far stricter.
Or a mushroom?
I do believe it's possible, but very hard to pull off.
So it's Christmas Eve for us here at Maestro Enterprises Inc. LLC, and as such we're having a great big blowout of all the things we love. Even video games. Now the Holidays are typical a time about charity and togetherness, so I figured I can review a game that exemplifies all of these things.
Fortune Street
Monopoly: Sentient Edition
So who here doesn't like to make money? F*** you, John. Get out of here with your "I'm not in it for the money" bullshit. You hippie.
So who here doesn't like to make money? Fortune street is all the best parts of Monopoly with all of the worst parts of Mario Party. That is to say it has you making super duper monies, but only at your own peril as you take on that vicious and capricious entity known as "The Die".
So you walk around the board, buy shit, sell shit, pay other people for shit, get paid by other people for shit, play a little poker. Get back to the start and you get a PROMOTION!!!!!!!! which let's you make even more money. But you have to make sure you pick up the four suits on the way.
Because money.
Other than that it's literally just Monopoly. Square for square, dollar for dollar Monopoly. Like, seriously, you get some properties in a row and they auto upgrade to make you even more monies. Make enough money and the game decides to throw even more monies at a you for making so much money. You can even choose to give your money away just so you can take it back from your stupid opponents who were dumb for deciding to be poor for Christmas.
I once started a game with only Computers playing, the guy who won bankrupted two of the other players and forced the third player to sell his children to make ends meat. It was amazingly vicious. He then sent the kid to work in his Ice Cream shop.
That place was not OSHA approved. And I'm pretty sure he never actually paid the people who worked for him. So, he was basically a digital form of Donald Trump, only with great hair.
Although you can customize yourself, get a nice suit to look snazzy in while driving your enemies to financial ruin.
Murphy Dunthy, Everyone!
-Love, Maestro
Final Score:
Ice Cream/Fishing Boat
It's literally Monopoly.
Over three years ago I post review on Pikmin and I thought it was time I update it properly.
Pikmin
The Culling of the Fields
Pikmin was an early title for the Nintendo Gamecube released October 21 in 2001 (November 21 in NA); a new IP by Shigeru Miyamoto inspired by his gardening adventures. It's an Action RTS with some Puzzle elements, something that can really only be classified in a field of its own. It stars Captain Olimar, an intrepid delivery man who crash lands on a distant planet and must fight to survive with the aid of a strange, alien species, the Pikmin. How does Olimar manage this? Let's find out:
Story
As stated, Captain Olimar is minding his own business while on vacation in the Space when a near by comet wants to say hello to his ship, the S.S. Dolphin. The Dolphin isn't paying attention and smashes its face into the comet and loses its shit, careening towards a nearby planet. Olimar does everything he can to stop this, but ultimately crashes on the planet below, with the Dolphin being torn apart by the violent landing. As he wakes up the next morning, he finds the ruined hull of his once proud ship and realizes his dire situation: he's f*****. Olimar quickly collects himself, assess the environment and comes to the conclusion that unless he can repair the Dolphin in 30 days he's going to run out of breathable air and die on this strange, alien world. He then wastes no time to explore his surroundings, and quickly comes across a discovery that would be his very salvation: the Pikmin.
Day One
Day One serves as a tutorial for Pikmin; Olimar will chime in when you encounter something new throughout the game and tell you what it is and maybe what you can do about it. During Day One the player learns what the Pikmin are and what they can do; the basic summary of which is "teamwork saves the day". The Pikmin are small, flower-like creatures with a distinct red coloring that would literally follow Olimar to their own deaths if it meant making him happy; an idea which I'll discuss later in this review. During Day One you'll get the brief overview of how to control the Pikmin, but you options are limited to mere obstacle solving. The first day ends shortly after Olimar discovers his ship's Engine, which will allow him to get airborne during the nights, as well as see a new area in which to look for parts. Once the Pikmin collect and return the engine Olimar informs the player that he only has 30 days to collect all 30 ship parts to be able to return home. Each day ends with Olimar taking off and then reflecting on his situation; the end of the first day also means the start of the adventure.
Exploring the Distant Planet
Over the course of the remaining 29 days, the player will need to collect the remaining 29 ship parts. For those of you not so good at math, that means about one part per day; but that's ultimately inefficient and it is very possible to complete Pikmin within only 6 days, albeit very, very difficult. As you explore the planet you'll discover two addition types of Pikmin, yellow and blue. From here you learn that these three different types have different attributes that can come in handy for various problem solving: reds as fire proof; yellows can pick up and throw bomb rocks; and blues can breath underwater. The obstacles also tend to be defining of the 5 areas in the game: The Landing Site; The Forest of Hope; The Forest Navel; The Distant Spring; and The Final Trial. At some point you'll also realize that you can never have more than 100 Pikmin out on the field at any one time, which adds a new level a resource management to the game. This is something you'll need to keep in mind as multitasking is an absolute necessity, and you'll need to manage you Pikmin correctly as you'll come across a wide variety of creatures (the most common of which being varying species of Bulborbs) while exploring, and they all want to eat Olimar and his Pikmin. However, under Olimar's command, the Pikmin can use their numbers to take down these beast; which brings us to the main pattern of Pikmin:
Carry, Fight, Increase, and be Eaten
Each morning will begin with you calling the Pikmin out from their Onions (where you store Pikmin you don't need) and setting out to accomplish the day's tasks. Each day only lasts about 15 minutes of play time, so you really don't have much in the way of idle time. The first thing you'll want to do is figure out where you need to go; you don't start the game with any sort of map so it'll be blind exploration at first. Once you know where you need to go you'll need to clear out any obstacles in your way; beasts and objects alike. Each beast attacks, moves, and is vulnerable in different ways, so you'll need to be extra careful when encountering new creatures. You also can't just ignore them, as your Pikmin are very vulnerable while carrying parts back to the Dolphin; so clearing a safe (and fast) path for them is imperative. While you're clearing things out you can take their dead carcasses and scattered pellets back to the Onions to grow additional Pikmin. Once the way is clear, set your Pikmin to collect the part and move onto the next task; all the while finding ways to accomplish more tasks at once through effective delegation of your Pikmin.
Day 30
Once you've collected 29 ship parts, you'll gain access to the final area: The Final Trial. This area is both a test of your problem solving skills as well as combat leadership; the final part lies on the opposite side of the area and you'll need to first give your Pikmin safe access, with numerous traps and obstacles along the way. Once you make your way across, you'll come to an arena that houses the final boss: The Emperor Bulblax. This is by far the most difficult fight in the game; the Emperor Bulblax has tons of health, has only one real weak point, and will likely take most of the day to take down. Since this isn't a strategy guide, I'll leave him for you to defeat; but once defeated he'll yield the final part and Olimar will be able to return home, looking back on his adventure and wondering if he'll ever see the Pikmin again; as the Pikmin then go on to attack a Bulborb, no longer the bottom of the food chain.
A Masterclass in Challenging Design
It is no doubt that Shigeru Miyamoto may very well be the greatest video game designer of all time, certainly the best that we've yet seen. His games all have one very important thing in common: Simple-ness of Design; and Pikmin is no exception.
The main challenge of Pikmin comes from resource management. As you can only have a maximum of 100 Pikmin at any one time, the challenge lies in using them properly. Now, of course there's a great amount of depth and nuance to that, but at the game's core the main conceit is "use them wisely". Sure, you could use 50 Pikmin to take down a single Bulborb, but you could also only use half, attacking its weak point, while the other half could be off building a bridge or collecting a part. The challenge doesn't come from sheer force, scale, or time; it's entirely on how well you manage your Pikmin.
There's also the 30-day time limit, which adds another element of difficulty as you now have to add time management to the mix. With the days only being 15 minutes you don't have much time to dawdle, and bad time management could very well cost you the playthrough. Oh yeah, did I mention that Pikmin is one of the greatest examples of games that encourage additional playthroughs? The design of the game fosters additional, self-imposed challenges to stive for; the most common of which being No-Death Runs; and the elusive 6-Day Challenge. The former of which is to complete the game without losing a single Pikmin, something that can be done in conjunction with the 50-Pikmin Challenge (beat the game using only 50 Pikmin); the latter challenge is to complete the game in only 6 days (something that can also be combined with the No-Death Run, but infinitely more difficult). The current World Record for fastest completion time is 59 minutes, 54 seconds; done in only 6 days with no deaths (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLi_hzWsZts).
Controlling the Pikmin is also fairly simple, but there are times when they could be slow to react or get stuck on stage geometry. They can also be distracted rather easily; often times you could be walking around and they'll wander to close to a creature, or something spawns, and if you aren't paying attention they could unwittingly wander to their death. They have zero self-preservation skills, and will often chase creatures into areas that will undoubtedly kill them, particularly water. This is less a comment on the game design, and more of how you really need to micromanage your Pikmin at all times. This could be rather difficult for new players to manage, and you especially don't want to leave you Pikmin alone for too long as they could easily antagonize a nearby creature once they're done with a task.
Great Potential for Cruelty
It sucks when Pikmin die. I mean it really sucks when Pikmin die. First of all they're presented as small, helpless creatures that Olimar takes under his wing to not only help himself, but help them survive their surroundings. They are the smallest creatures in the game and everything wants to eat them. They're also rather adorable in their child-like demeanor and mannerisms. They even released a single (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SL2ePovKMtg) telling Olimar how much they love him and would do anything to help him.
And then one of them dies and it's one of the most awful things ever put in a video game. They let out a single shriek and their soul floats on screen before disappearing forever, all the while your Pikmin counter ticks down one. Now most challenge runs, as well as general gameplay, encourages you to keep as many Pikmin alive as possible, but your first playthrough will undoubtedly have them dying in droves. As if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.
Having Pikmin die is something that stains your consciousness, and also causes many rage-quits for those attempting no-death runs (I'm speaking from experience). And all of this means that Olimar is a cult leader, and as the song implies, he doesn't even know all this. Yes, he will lament the first time he loses a Pikmin, and the day comes to a hard end if all of your Pikmin die, but he's otherwise rather stoic about the whole thing. Forget Undertale, this is the game that truly induces guilt for killing.
Final Thoughts
Pikmin will be celebrating its 15 year Anniversary in a few months, and the game has not only stood the test of time but still stands a fantastic game by modern standards. Its design holds up incredibly well, and its replay-ability has ensured that it will remain an important franchise in its own right. The franchise itself only has 3 games to its name, but Pikmin will go down as yet another reason why Shigeru Miyamoto is the greatest video game designer of all time.
My only real gripe is how the Yellow Pikmin are fairly under-utilized compared to the Reds and Blues; water is by far the most plentiful obstacle and Reds are not only the strongest but as the first Pikmin are also the most plentiful. In the most optimized run, the most yellow Pikmin you'll need is 10. But I can't even really call that a fault as the game is still overall fantastically well designed and is start of one of the most rewarding franchises in Nintendo's line-up.
I glossed over the art and music direction for Pikmin in this review, because while I do wholeheartedly believe they contribute to the atmosphere, aesthetic, and character of the game, it's the design that's the real star of the show. The soundtrack is something worth checking out, and is a great example of environmental music. The music for each area consists of a variable mix of the area theme that changes depending on the time of day, if the Pikmin are working, and if they're fighting. Each track is a really defining part of its area, a particular favorite is the Sunset variation of The Forest Navel. The environmental artwork is also rather detailed, feeling like a real place; even with the more animated creature design it still all feels like it's a real world you could explore for yourself.
Overall Pikmin is a great game for people who find joy in accomplishing tasks for their own sake. There's a depth of challenge for the more hardcore gamers, and there's a level of replay-ability the most other games could never achieve. It's also rather short, a 100% playthrough could feasibly be done in a single sitting in the right hands. This is a game I revisit often, typically once a year or so. I'd highly recommend trying to find a copy if you can, but given the game is 15 years old finding one can be difficult.
Final Score:
8.7/10
A game of fantastic design and replay-ability, but a score made in hind-sight proves that it's not quite perfect, and it's rather short length leaves a little something more to be desired.
More to follow...
what did you do with maestro
Jeez! I was reading all of these great reviews that weren't all the serious and then this... :/ rats.
Don't worry; you still have me for the non-serious reviews...! Well, sometimes.
Command & Conquer Red Alert 2 Yuri's Revenge
The batshit crazy spinoff to the already crazy batshit spinoff to the crazy batshit game that exists in an alternate timeline to this game's alternate timeline
Last time on Maestro yells about games:
Some sh*t that wasn't Command and Conquer Red Alert 2! Let's take another look at... this game. For some reason.
Yuri's Revenge is an expansion to Red Alert 2 that, despite the name, is not about some lesbian hentais taking revenge on somebody.
Disappointing, I know.
Instead this picks up where RA2 left off, but only the good ending where America wins. Cause America is the good guy that don't do no bad things.
I said this was an alternate universe, right?
Anyway so this guy named Yuri is f****** pissed that Russia lost the war because he wanted to take over the world, so he turns on these magic psychic ball towerz that brainwashes the entire planet. The president says "f*** that" and crashes a plane into one that saves the US. But only the US. Because America is the good guy.
So in order to save the world you have to travel back in time to prevent Yuuuur from doing that psychic thing and not get brainwashed in the process.
That old trope.
So most of the same units and stuff naturally carryover from the last game, but now there's a new faction to play as: Yuri
And this dude walked straight out of a Hammer horror film from the 50's. His tech is like mind-control, genetic mutants that are totally not ripoffs of the HulkTM, flying f****** saucers and magnets.
Sh*t is weird, man.
You can't play as Yr in the main game, but in the multiplayer he absolutely breaks the game because, well...
everything he does is designed to mind control your units to be used against you
Like, you can build a literal wall of mind control that practically nothing can get past. And you can take those stolen units and incinerate them for money
It's pretty goddamn hilarious how broken he is in the game, but man is it fun to f*** with people.
Score: BE ONE WITH YURI