okay, i changed the intro for the right hand to make it more playable. i think i fixed all the major formatting problems
for the large intervals, i've just been putting some of the notes in the second part in parenthesis. should i get rid of them altogether instead? (like at the end of measure 45?)
Yep, much better (sorry for the late reply). Parentheses are okay but I would suggest them on different notes than you have now - for m. 18 it would make more sense on the lower Cb as that's unreachable, while the performer can reach down and hit the Gb after that just fine (if pedal is used to sustain the upper layer). For m. 46 I think parentheses would be fine there, or just raise the second layer F an octave.
Let's see... some more feedback as I start from the beginning:
- Watch your intervals in the LH of m. 2. Those dyads are very low on the piano and will sound extremely muddy - I suggest cutting them down to a single note where possible.
- Definitely worth including the pickup to the m. 3 melody at the end of m. 2 instead of writing in the last two notes of the 16th note run
- The beginning is missing dynamics, and I don't think we really need a crescendo in the third system? I would suggest just writing in an f at the beginning, although see what makes the most sense to you.
- The bass in m. 11-18 actually alternates the root and fifth above it, so every other note (the F's and G's) should be raised an octave
- All of the low bass notes in m. 19-26 should be Bb - unlike the right hand it doesn't ascend to Cb and Db. The one stray high Cb in m. 24 should also be a low Bb.
- m. 27 also alternates root and fifth above it, so it should look like m. 31
As I keep going, a few more general comments...
- There are a some places where the main melody is somewhat tangled with the countermelody the way it's written. Mostly m. 11-18, 27-40. Did you specifically change some of the voicings/stem directions/etc. to make it nicer on piano? I can see how that might be necessary here but it's difficult to tell where the main melody is sometimes.
- Check the bass again in m. 29-34 and 41-44, I'm hearing a bunch more discrepancies from what you have now