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Fingerz' Short Story - "The Forbidden Talent"

Started by fingerz, May 30, 2011, 07:34:32 PM

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Hi guys!
I wrote this a week ago for an assignment in English and I'd like some feedback on it. Tell me what you think! Hope you enjoy it! :D
Here are the pronunciations for the names of people, places and weapons in my story. These names are made-up, so don’t be too concerned if you can’t pronounce them properly.

Linó Guõ (LEEN-oh-GYU-oh)
Koú Popãun (CORE-poor-PARN)
Chaŕ Demĭ (CHAR-de-MY)
Niŕ Gargùor (NER-gar-GYU-or)
Slytheïnbeôark (SLY-veen-BOW-arc)
Pïccoló (PEEK-oh-low)
KlÅ'rnino (claw-NEE-noh)
Ělmiradiān (EL-mer-AH-dee-arn)
Antedïluguõ (an-teh-DIL-loo-GYU-oh)
Espíritu (es-PUR-IT-oo)
Mount Koruptâs (cor-RUP-tahs)
Petula Sprout (pet-YOU-lah-sprout)
Hooknart Tree (HOOK-nart-tree)
Worběnjóurk (WORE-ben-jork)
Crawfüstāgh (craw-FAST-ah)
Rapilanză (rap-pil-LAN-zah)

The Forbidden Talent - by Joel Hands-Otte

It never used to be the way it is now, my son. The world use to be a benevolent and impartial place, though my mind fails to remember it. Son, what I’m going to tell you is exceedingly hazardous if it falls into the wrong hands. Promise me you won’t tell anyone and only use the information to your advantage. Are you ready?
Back when I was a boy, the world of Espíritu was a place of tranquillity and prosperity. One of the reasons why it was so prosperous was because of the natural gift we Ělmiradiāns were born with: being able to comprehend emotions and thoughts through our eyes. This allowed us to explore the emotions of other creatures and our own kin. We used this power to help cure many sicknesses, stop fighting and anticipate what enemies were planning. But, with this wonderful talent, we were a beacon of light to many envious creatures.
One day during the middle of a bitter winter, we were attacked by a ghost-like race of creatures called the Slytheïnbeôark. They came without warning, swarming like an army of hungry bees, riding the powerful torrents of air flowing over the mountains. They were unstoppable; their eyes filled with the darkest of evil, and their minds; a barrier so strong we were unable to penetrate it with our ability. Within two days, our entire kingdom was captured. Within six days, Antedïluguõ was the only populated town still standing.
To stop the extinction of our race, our Great Elder, Niŕ Gargùor, made an agreement with the Slytheïnbeôark. The agreement was that we were to be stripped of our talent so we could no longer use it, and if anyone was born with that talent they would be killed immediately. In recognition of the agreement, a stone was positioned in the centre of town. If that stone ever shatters, it will surely mean the downfall of us all.
No Ělmiradiāns have ever been born with the talent, except for one. That individual is you, my son. You must make sure you use your ability to your advantage and never let your enemies discover you have it.
We have to go now, my son. When we return, we will have a feast to celebrate our success. Please look after your sister while we’re gone. Remember, stay hidden, stay safe. We love you…


Snapping himself bolt upright, Linó Guõ sat in his bed, breathing heavily. Wiping the sweat from his brow, he recalled the dream that had occurred, which indeed resembled a memory. He gathered all his strength and scrambled out of bed. Shuffling towards the windowsill and letting his eyes adjust to the light, Linó Guõ examined the surroundings encircling the village.
Taking in the scenery, he noticed all the buildings were remarkably close to each other, making it harder for enemies to penetrate. The only area that wasn’t protected was the centre of the town where the stone was located. Scanning further into the distance, he could see the fields occupied by friendly residents, KlÅ'rninos. All sleeping next to their calves, they looked peaceful. Gazing further off towards the edge of town, the untouched fields were filled with Petula Sprouts, glowing from the fluorescent lights illuminating from the holes in the Hooknart Tree. Linó Guõ found these the most peculiar of flowers, because they faintly resembled eyes.
“As the first rays of sun shine upon them, their fuchsia-coloured bulbs will expand until they open, presenting a delicate string of tiny flowers surrounding the most complex blossom structure in the entire flora kingdom. Many paintings have been depicted of this flower, but none have ever matched half of its beauty. When open, the Petula Sprout’s blossom reflects the sun’s light in so many angles it wasn’t thought possible,” he recited from an old parchment he’d stolen from inside the Great Elder’s domain.
Linó Guõ turned his attention to the moon, lighting up the murky darkness with a luminous glow. He chuckled for a moment, picturing the moon as a parent keeping a close eye on its children, the Petula Sprouts.
Before returning to bed, he decided to check on his sister, Koú Popãun, whom was sleeping. Sitting by her side, he realised how much both of them looked alike. Delicate yet strong elfin features were prominent in both of them, inherited from their mother and father. Their eyes were the same colour; a ghostly light blue that no one else in the village had ever been born with. Even through eyelids, he could still see into her eyes; calm and peaceful. Linó Guõ leaned over and started stroking her long, silky black hair.
“It’s been almost seven years since you went missing, mother and father. I’ve kept her safe for when you return home. If anything happens to her, I’ll never forgive myself. I love you.” Linó Guõ was interrupted by an ear-splitting scream that was so loud it pierced the heavens.
While trying to erase the word that just permanently imprinted itself into his mind, Linó Guõ felt something clutch his hand. In alarm, he looked down at his hand, realising that it was his sister; her eyes brimming with fear.
“Was that you who made that noise, Koú Popãun?” he asked sternly.
“I think so, Linó Guõ. I didn’t mean to wake you,” she said softly.
“I’m more concerned about you waking up the entire town. You should know not to be so loud,” Linó Guõ scoffed. When realising that his sister wasn’t amused, he added, “Do not worry. I will tell everyone you were having a nightmare, though it is an odd word to yell out when having one. Enjoy the rest of your night’s sleep and wake up tomorrow refreshed, okay?”
“Okay. Goodnight.” Koú Popãun sniffed irritably, and then rolled over ready to return to her dreams. Linó Guõ clambered soundlessly back into his bed. Before surrendering to sleep, a dreaded feeling overcame him. You haven’t heard the last of that word… Pushing the thoughts out of his mind, Linó Guõ yawned, and welcomed the loss of his vision.


While scanning the pathways between the rows of houses, Linó Guõ felt a wave of emotions swelling up inside him. Thinking desperately back to this morning, he tried to conjure an image of the whereabouts of Koú Popãun.
“Koú Popãun! Koú Popãun! Where are you?” he yelled at the top of his voice. Linó Guõ thought it would be wise to ask the Great Elder, though he hadn’t seen him rise yet. Jogging through the deserted back-lanes, he made his way towards his destination.
Upon arriving, he was surprised to find the Great Elder standing out the front of his house, almost as if expecting him. Linó Guõ was amazed at how he presented himself, even at his old age. His thin, wispy hair shone brightly in the sunlight, casting a shadow over the rest of his old, wrinkled face. His long, royal tunic snaked down his body, reaching out to touch the earth with its very tips. Strangely, his eyes were a fiery red, filled with anger and hatred from past wars and battles. As Linó Guõ approached, he could feel the Great Elder’s eyes exploring his mind, looking through his thoughts and emotions.
“Niŕ Gargùor, have you seen my little sister today?” he asked, deliberately forgetting to address the Great Elder properly.
A creaky, rusty voice that had been neglected for centuries replied, “No, Linó Guõ, I have not seen Koú Popãun today. I suggest you check the centre of the town, for I can see you haven’t checked there yet.” Having said that, and knowing all too well he’d caused Linó Guõ much discomfort, he turned around and walked briskly towards the outer paddocks of town.
Linó Guõ began walking towards the town centre; eyes glazed, trying to apprehend what Niŕ Gargùor had said. Along the way he was disturbed by a low, gravelly voice emitted from his right. Without even having to turn his head, Linó Guõ immediately recognised whose voice it was and could sense their emotions.
“Chaŕ Demĭ, how are you? You are sounding slightly irritated and concerned. Is anything bothering you?” Linó Guõ asked, as he turned to face the blacksmith. Chaŕ Demĭ was busy hammering out the shape of a sword, which would eventually become a Worběnjóurk.
Standing over seven feet tall, he was the tallest Ělmiradiān to ever live, and had a colossal build to top it off. Chaŕ Demĭ’s thick, bushy eyebrows partially covered his harsh, bronze eyes glaring directly at Linó Guõ, hinting amusement and exasperation.
“You are bothering me, Linó Guõ. You have also forgotten, I see?” Chaŕ Demĭ inquired. Linó Guõ stood there dumbfounded, trying to figure out what he could’ve forgotten to make Chaŕ Demĭ this amused.
“I cannot remember anything that I have forgotten, my friend.”
The blacksmith laughed silently in amusement. “Forgetting what you have forgotten? That is a new feat accomplished by none other than Linó Guõ himself,” he said winking. “Let me refresh your memory.” Chaŕ Demĭ bent down and picked up two weapons.
“I believe these are what you have forgotten,” he said, handing them over to Linó Guõ. “Here is your sword, a WorbÄ›njóurk, and also your spear, a Rapilanză. Don’t try these out on your sister or any of the KlÅ'rninos.” Linó Guõ thanked him for his weapons, attached them to his belt and started walking away towards the town centre before ChaÅ• DemÄ­ called out to him, his eyes showing he was concerned about a new event.
“You see those black clouds rolling over the mountains?” he asked in a low voice.
“Yes,” replied Linó Guõ hesitantly.
Chaŕ Demĭ swallowed hard, then continued. “They only just appeared. You know what this means, right?”
“I get free practise with my new weapons?”
A sigh could be heard from next to him. “Don’t be an idiot, Linó Guõ. Get your sister and hide, because the Slytheïnbeôark are coming.” Chaŕ Demĭ gave him a harsh shove, yelling, “Go, get her now, before it’s too late!”
Seeing the terror in his eyes was enough for Linó Guõ. He knew what was going to happen. As he raced towards the town centre, he eyed the clouds with curiosity as they soared closer and closer, like an eagle hunting its prey.
Koú Popãun was sitting in front of the stone when Linó Guõ arrived. She was crying, clearly in a distressed state of mind. He put a hand on her shoulder, before realising what was terribly wrong.
“It’s broken…”
The words struck Linó Guõ in the face, bringing on a feeling of dread and death. The stone was sliced cleanly down the middle. One of the halves had fallen over, leaving the earth underneath to consume sunlight. It looked as though someone had come up to it with a Crawfüstāgh and sliced it in half.
“I don’t know how it broke. I just arrived here and found it like this. All of a sudden, I felt very sad and distressed,” Koú Popãun exclaimed through sobs.
Linó Guõ said urgently, “We have to go now, sister, before the Slytheïnbeôark arrive. Before it’s too late…” As if on cue, the sun retreated behind the clouds, casting a shadow over the entire town. Both of them looked up, staring straight up into a swirling, sinister mass of darkness. Eyes widened, Linó Guõ felt an icy presence creep up from behind him.  A voice brought down to a whisper was barely audible.
“Guess who?”
Pulling the Worběnjóurk from his belt, Linó Guõ spun around to face his attacker, surprised to find it wasn’t there. The whisper was heard again, but from behind him, where Koú Popãun was sitting.
“They really haven’t taught you a thing about us, have they? If you think you can hurt a ghost with a sword, you’re just plain stupid.” Whirling around again, Linó Guõ saw who his attacker was, and was shocked to find it wasn’t one, but many. All of them were giant, shadowy blobs with little arms that looked like they belonged to a teddy bear. Their mouths were like a group of menacing black holes, ready to suck anything out of orbit. What startled Linó Guõ was their eyes; filled with the darkest of evil, like a smaller version of hell.
The only word that escaped from his mouth was, “Slytheïnbeôark.”
All the shadowy creatures started laughing, and one of them replied, “This guy’s a genius! Your reward is we take your sister off your hands, free of charge. You like that?” Two of them picked up Koú Popãun, who was trying to break free from their ghostly grip. With one last scream, she was swiftly carried away into the dark mass of clouds above. The rest of the Slytheïnbeôark took to the sky, becoming a part of the cloud, except for one, undersized and upset, that kept hovering around the stone.
Pouncing in front of the Slytheïnbeôark, and startling it, Linó Guõ asked in a menacing tone, “What have you done with my sister? If you harm her, I will kill all of you pests!” The Slytheïnbeôark made a whimpering sound, even though its eyes remained a fiery red. Linó Guõ studied the creature, taking in its features, and felt a sense of respect for the creature. Its breathing was seeping out in wheezy rasps, and a large laceration on the side of its body showed signs of harsh punishment.
Linó Guõ changed his tone of voice and asked politely, “Could you please tell me where the others of your clan took my sister? I would like to have her back, if I may.” Slytheïnbeôark hovered closer towards Linó Guõ, stopping an inch before his face. Both of them were eye-to-eye. Suddenly, its eyes transformed. They melted into a plush, round shape filled with a huge diversity of shades of blue. The barricade to the Slytheïnbeôark’s mind was lowered, allowing Linó Guõ entry to its thoughts and emotions. A wave of sorrow overcame him.
“You’ve been tormented into doing all this, haven’t you. I can feel it. All this time we have thought your race was evil, but we have now been proven wrong. Some tyrant has enslaved your entire race, and you have been bent to his every whim,” he said thoughtfully. “If you help me rescue my sister, I will free your race from enslavement.”
The Slytheïnbeôark bowed in respect and then replied in a childish tone, “I will keep you to your word, my friend. My name is Pïccoló. It is an honour to meet someone as nice as you.”
Linó Guõ bowed as well and then said, “My name is Linó Guõ. I am deeply sorry for threatening you before, but I must take all measures.”
 â€œYour apology is accepted. I will transport us to our sacred lair, Mount Koruptâs, so you can free my people. Please close your eyes so we can leave.” Pïccoló instructed. Linó Guõ closed his eyes and embraced the odd sensation of teleportation.


When he reopened his eyes, he was amazed by the alteration of scenery. They were hidden in a crevice behind a wall which lead on to a large area, presumably the main cavern. Thick, gluggy lava was oozing from the fissures in the rock formations, and the cavern was unpleasantly warm. A voice could be overheard from the other side of the wall obscuring their view.
“We have caught the boy’s sister! When he comes in search of her, you can kill him, our master,” expressed a voice that resembled a Slytheïnbeôark. Linó Guõ spun around to face Pïccoló, concerned with what the Slytheïnbeôark had announced. Pïccoló was trying to stifle a laugh.
“Do not worry, my friend. We have all adapted to become excellent actors since our enslavement. Do not pay heed to what my brothers and sisters say,” he said with a grin. “Let us continue with our quest.” Linó Guõ pressed his head against the wall to overhear what else the Slytheïnbeôark were saying.
A creaky, rusty voice that had been neglected for centuries rose above all the other voices and declared, “Tonight, my minions, we will feast on victory! The very last Ělmiradiān to have the talent, except for me, will be destroyed, along with his sister! World domination is in our hands!” The Slytheïnbeôarks roared with triumph.
Pïccoló sniffed and wiped a tear out of the corner of his globular eyes, whispering, “They’re crying, all of them. They know he’ll win, no matter what. We have to get you out of here…” Linó Guõ stood as still as a statue, frozen with fear. Memories and events swirled around inside his head, mixing and matching until they detonated like a bomb, leaving a singed image sprawled across his entire conscience.
“Niŕ Gargùor is the tyrant who enslaved your race. He must have discovered the Slytheïnbeôarks a long time ago, and then enslaved you all. Then he destroyed the entire Ělmiradiān population, except for our town, which instead had their talent stripped from them. This is all part of his plan. I have to stop him!” Linó Guõ exclaimed. He examined his surroundings and uncovered the entrance to the main cavern. With one quick glance at Pïccoló, he jumped out from behind the wall, landing in plain sight of all the Slytheïnbeôark and Niŕ Gargùor.
“Linó Guõ! What are you doing? They will see you!” cried Pïccoló desperately as he tried to pull Linó Guõ back into the depths of the crevice. A haughty laugh wafted down from the front of the cavern where Niŕ Gargùor was sitting. The entire cavern was filled with cascading, ruby-red waterfalls plummeting down into the earth. A colossal gold-plated throne was positioned at the end of the cavern, right before a sheer drop down into the centre of Mount Koruptâs, spewing lava high into the sky like a cauldron bubbling.
Niŕ Gargùor bent forward in his throne, thrust his staff in Linó Guõ’s direction and queried, “Do you seriously think I would be that insolent, Pïccoló? Both of you have been standing behind that wall for a good while now. My speech was set up to lure you out from behind there; I could sense your minds the instant you arrived.” Both Linó Guõ and Pïccoló hesitantly walked up the pathway, stopping ten feet away from the throne. Pointing his index finger at Niŕ Gargùor, he spat out one word, deliberately emphasising each syllable.
Niŕ Gargùor’s face crinkled up into a snarl. “I betrayed our race?” he hissed as he pointed an accusing finger at himself. “I was merely cleaning out the filth. I will not stop until all of what is left of the Ělmiradiān race bows down before me, begging for mercy!” Linó Guõ felt a ball of energy building up inside him, ready to consume anything in his path.
“You killed my parents, you monster!” he hollered at the top of his voice. Niŕ Gargùor smiled, his eyes beaming widely.
“Well done, m’ boy. After all these years you have finally come to your senses. I killed them because they tried to stop me, just as you are trying to today.” He held out his gnarled hand, as if seeking assistance. “So, what do you say? Would you like to be my successor? You can become the king of Espíritu!” Linó Guõ stepped forward, holding his ground.
“I will not join you, for the sake of the Slytheïnbeôark, my sister and our race,” he said solemnly. Niŕ Gargùor sighed, reaching for an object fastened to the back of his tunic.
“I hoped it wouldn’t come to this,” he said, lifting a shimmering Worběnjóurk over his head, positioning himself ready for battle. “Just as I did to the stone of agreements and your parents, I will slice you cleanly in half!”
“I don’t think that will be necessary, Niŕ Gargùor,” replied a gravelly voice. Linó Guõ whirled around to find the entire village standing behind Chaŕ Demĭ, who was holding onto his younger sister. His eyes beamed underneath the thick, bushy forest of eyebrows. “We asked the residents around here to take us on a grand tour. You have quite a nice place here, I must admit.”
“All of you are here; this makes it easier now. Slytheïnbeôark, destroy them!” Niŕ Gargùor roared.
One of the Slytheïnbeôark hovered towards his throne, stopping next to Pïccoló, and announced, “We are not your minions, nor are we going to watch you win this battle.” Niŕ Gargùor watched in horror as his entire army of Slytheïnbeôarks became one with the army of Ělmiradiāns. All of them cheered, bellowing forth a battle cry.
He shifted in front of his throne uncomfortably before saying, “So be it. I will fight you all.” Chaŕ Demĭ laughed heartily.
“Do you think we would come unprepared? We have the greatest weapon of all.” He turned around to the army behind him and whispered something. All of them nodded and closed their eyes. Linó Guõ felt his mind flood with thoughts.
On the count of three, jump. When Niŕ Gargùor is stunned, throw your Rapilanză at him. Ready? One… Two… Three!
In unison, the Slytheïnbeôarks and Ělmiradiāns jumped into the air, only to come crashing down onto the cold, hard rock. Their impact was enough to make the cavern shake. Niŕ Gargùor lost his balance and toppled towards the edge of the cavern, dangerously close to the lava pit. Linó Guõ grasped his Rapilanză, took aim and shot it directly at the Great Elder’s chest. The slender spear, sliced through the air until it hit its target.
Niŕ Gargùor looked down and was stunned to find a spear protruding from his chest. Linó Guõ watched him, glimpsing the terror in his eyes before he admitted defeat, falling backwards into the fiery pit. Koú Popãun raced up to Linó Guõ and gave him a loving hug.
“You did it, big brother! You beat the bad guy!” she whispered, yawning from the day’s events. Linó Guõ stroked her long, silky black hair.
“Yes I did, sister. We can go home now. We can all go home.”


The wind blew across Linó Guõ’s cheeks as he beamed, looking out upon the peaceful town. The stone of agreements was gone, replaced by a beautiful bird pond. Koú Popãun was playing hopscotch with Pïccoló. Many Slytheïnbeôark were to be seen; now store holders and peace-keepers of the town. Chaŕ Demĭ lumbered out of his forge, welcoming the new light. Children crowded around him, bowed in respect and raced off to play again, leaving him with a sheepish grin on his face.
Linó Guõ stared up into the sky, examining the blazing sun shining down onto the Petula Sprouts, watching them reflect the light in numerous directions. He noticed the moon, far off on the horizon, ready to sleep for the day. Looking down at Koú Popãun, he chuckled, picturing the sun and the moon as parents, embracing their children, the Petula Sprouts.

Classical / Jazz / Contemporary
Performer / Arranger / Educator
Bb, A, C & Bass Clarinet / Soprano, Alto, Tenor & Baritone Saxophone / Basset Horn


Nice story! You should pass for sure! Though the people, places and weapon names do get confusing the story is wonderful!


Thanks Clanker! I was going for a kind of Eragon tradition, giving weird names to everything. :D
Classical / Jazz / Contemporary
Performer / Arranger / Educator
Bb, A, C & Bass Clarinet / Soprano, Alto, Tenor & Baritone Saxophone / Basset Horn


:o I could never take the time to insert all of those symboled letters.


Yes, there was quite a bit of copy/paste throughout that story. ;)
Classical / Jazz / Contemporary
Performer / Arranger / Educator
Bb, A, C & Bass Clarinet / Soprano, Alto, Tenor & Baritone Saxophone / Basset Horn