Songs I Hate: Christmas Edition
So, the Christmas season has come and gone. The winter chill may still be in the air, but gone is the warmth of holiday cheer that wells up within each and every one of us when we feel Christmas coming round. Corporations are done with Christmas, so shouldn't we be too? Greedy consumers swarm Walmarts across the nation looking for the inevitable post-Christmas sales. And corporations rake in the money. After musing about this exploitation of the Christmas holiday, I'm feeling particularly bitter and miserly today, so this is the perfect time for me to talk about today's subject: Christmas songs I hate. Yes, that's right kiddos, not all Christmas songs are pure and perfect. There are song bad ones. There are some annoying ones. And then there are some that make you want to rip your ears off. Ouch. Of all shapes and varieties, here are a few songs I want to call out in particular for being overrated, without any further ado.
#1: "Last Christmas" by Wham!
I do not like this song. I do not enjoy this song. I hate this song. I will not listen to it in a cab, I will not listen to it in a mall, I will not listen to it at home, here, there, or anywhere! What, may you ask, is the reason for my passionate hate for this song? Well, let's break it apart, piece by piece, and see what the problem is...
1: "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart." Ooh, sounds painful. Oh, wait, this probably isn't supposed to be taken literally. Ah, well, moving on.
2: "But the very next day you gave it away." Well, that's a pretty scummy thing to do to someone you love. Let's see where this leads.
3: "This year, to save me from tears." Now, this is going somewhere. What are you going to do this year? Not give your heart away to people so carelessly? Realize that you're a whole and complete person by yourself? The tension is palpable.
4: "I'll give it to someone special." I... I... I... what. You'll... give it... to someone... special. So what you're saying is... last year... you didn't give it to someone "special." You practically just gave it to some rando who you probably shouldn't have given it to. Wow. I mean, really. Wow. This person is really the sharpest knife in the drawer. We're dealing with a real winner here. Totally didn't bring this situation onto yourself. But I mean, we... we can redeem this, can't we? Just have to go a little further, and...
5: "Now, I know what a fool I've been/But if you kissed me now/I know you'd fool me again." SWEET HOLY FRICK FRACK. We're trapped here, we've hit rock bottom. We can't go back, cause there's bad lyrics back there, and we can't go forward, because what comes next might possibly be worse. I don't know if the speaker of this song if supposed to be one of those protagonists you don't root for, but dear God, I do not root for this person. Keep this person far, far away from me; almost as far as you should keep this song away from me. They are unhealthy and probably a bit bipolar. This is not what Christmas is about.
This song is a thinly veiled love song masquerading as a Christmas song. It's an awful, horrible song, and every time I listen to it, I die a little inside; what's worse is that it gets even more awful when you hear a version by any artist other than Wham! I don't know how that's possible, but it is. The song gets even more unbearable. I don't want to associate anything about this song with Christmas, and from now on, I will try my best to repress all memory of this song. Goodbye.
#2: "The Christmas Song" by Bob Wells and Mel Tormé
Now, after the vitriolic fire I just got finished spewing above, you may wonder what pure, unadulterated hate lies in store for this song. Happy to say (or possibly disappointing, depending on your perspective), this song isn't one I hate with a burning passions. Rather, I simply have a few issues with the song and find it rather overrated.
1: This song has the gall to call itself THE Christmas Song. Seems rather preemptive and uppity of them. A Christmas Song isn't good enough for them?!!?
2: I'd just point out that having somebody literally nip at your nose would probably hurt. Or be very awkward. That line conjures some weird, un-Christmassy images for me.
3: Saying "folks dressed up like Eskimos," is blatantly racist and I refuse to believe they couldn't have substituted it for something else.
4: EVERYTHING about the lines, "And so I'm offering this simple phrase/To kids from one to ninety-two." Ninety-two? NiNEtY-TwO!?!!!! It's like nobody had ever lived past ninety-two years old when this song was written. "Hey, ninety-two rhymes, so let's use that!" Maybe you should rewrite the song to make something more sensible work!? Huh huh huh? Ever thought about that, bub? What, according to this song, is supposed to happen when someone becomes ninety-three? You're just gonna tell em to screw off because Christmas isn't for them, and they should just lay in a hole and freeze to death, because apparently ninety-three year olds can't have a merry Christmas? This line is just lazy writing and it completely taints the song for me, much like with Last Christmas. With a line like that, seriously, how did this song even become that popular!? I'd like to imagine I'm not the only one who wants to bang my head against the dashboard every time I hear this song come on the radio. It's a dumb line! It's mind-numbingly stupid! It's inane! I don't like it! I don't like it one bit!
5: Nat King Cole's version is pretty much the only version of this song you're going to hear. Because it's hard to make this song sound anything other than the mess it is if you don't have a voice like Nat King Cole.
Okay, well, that was more than a "few" issues. More into the territory of a "couple" issues. Uh, well, anyway... moving on?
#3: "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" by Meredith Willson
Ok, to be fair, I don't really hate this song at all. It's an okay song, it's decent. But there is one line I would like to point out for your consideration.
1: "And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again." Wow, that's just... wow, that's sad. Apparently, for these parents, Christmas is not a happy time to spend with their family, free of all care, worry, and responsibility, but a time to be dreaded and the end of which is eagerly anticipated. What are these parents going to say when their kids are all grown up and out of the house? I bet they'll miss them then. I bet they'll miss them when they're old and crippled and can't take care of themselves any longer. I'll bet they'll miss them when they're taking their last breath and just want to see their children one last time. But they're not there. The children are gone. They couldn't wait to get as far away from you as possible, because you were never happy when they got out of school for Christmas break. You were never happy with them. Ever. And that's not the meaning of Christmas. No, no, not at all.
We, uh, actually got pretty dark here really quickly. That was, uh, actually, not my intention. I'm going to call it a day and end things here, before they get any worse. Goodnight everybody, and have a happy New Year!!