Maestro Advises You on Things

[MaestroUGC]

I have a great need to help others as much as I can. I also have a great need to impose my wisdom and beliefs on other people because I think I am so much better at life than everyone else.

So this is how it's going to work, you guys can ask me for advice, either here in the thread or privately via PM where you will remain anonymous and I will then give you advice. Said advice may or may not actually help you solve anything, but I'm always right, so that doesn't matter.

Some free advice:
-Don't eat the yellow snow. Unless it is a lemon flavored snow-cone.
-Feed your pets four times a day, that way if you forget one day they'll be too fat to care.
-Don't be friends with Satan.
-Feed your head.

[Dude]

How can I fall asleep fast?

[Nebbles]

I can't be friends with Satan? Darn.

[MaestroUGC]

How can I fall asleep fast?

Be sure to position your body at 90° angle with your face on your bed, or whichever surface you plan on sleeping on, and your legs flat against the wall. Recite the entire American Bill of Rights and Amendments Nos. 12, 15, and 22 in German. After your recitation count backwards from 17 and you should be lulled to sleep.

If that doesn't work or isn't fast enough, you can try to imagine yourself sleeping and dreaming; and then in your imagined dream dream that you are asleep and dreaming. In the dream of your imagined dream, dream that you have been in a coma for the past 7 years. Careful, though, you might wake up dead, and that'll ruin the day of your imagined self.

[Dude]

I stayed up an extra 15 min on my phone for THAT?

I want my money back.

[MaestroUGC]

I can't be friends with Satan? Darn.

I wouldn't say you can't, but I would advise against it. He and I used to be friends, but then he reneged on his half of the deal and wouldn't accept my first born on the grounds that "Your hell spawn of man and artichoke is not part of the original agreement."

I told him "then you shouldn't have given me the ability to seduce and impregnate any person or object at will."

It was a tertiary clause to a much larger deal, but it is still legally binding and Articia (God rest her soul) would not appreciate Satan referring to Artemis as "an affront against God himself." You're fucking Satan, for God's sake, don't you do this kind of shit for a living?

-Best wishes
Maestro

[MaestroUGC]

I stayed up an extra 15 min on my phone for THAT?

I want my money back.

All fees on non-refundable and all advice is not guaranteed to provide a satisfactory solution to the problem at hand.

Of course if you tried it you'd see I'm right.

[blueflower999]

I wouldn't say you can't, but I would advise against it. He and I used to be friends, but then he reneged on his half of the deal and wouldn't accept my first born on the grounds that "Your hell spawn of man and artichoke is not part of the original agreement."

I told him "then you shouldn't have given me the ability to seduce and impregnate any person or object at will."

It was a tertiary clause to a much larger deal, but it is still legally binding and Articia (God rest her soul) would not appreciate Satan referring to Artemis as "an affront against God himself." You're fucking Satan, for God's sake, don't you do this kind of shit for a living?

-Best wishes
Maestro

Can I be friends with Mephistopheles?

[Bloop]

Shit I'm already friends with Satan. He's my bro.

(I actually lost a rock-off challenge where a friend offered me that if we lost, Satan could take me back to hell, to be his little bitch. Satan rocked too hard, because he's not a mortal man. There was no way we could win, it was a masterpiece, so here I am now)

[Waddle Bro]

How do I shoot up smack properly milord

[MaestroUGC]

Can I be friends with Mephistopheles?

Oh of course, he's an all around good guy. Haven't seen him in a while, though. If you see him tell him I said, "you still owe me $50 for that 'Hitler' thing."

[MaestroUGC]

Shit I'm already friends with Satan. He's my bro.

(I actually lost a rock-off challenge where a friend offered me that if we lost, Satan could take me back to hell, to be his little bitch. Satan rocked too hard, because he's not a mortal man. There was no way we could win, it was a masterpiece, so here I am now)

Well Satan has had millennia to practice climbing out of things, so you were doomed to lose even if he didn't have vast unworldly powers.

[MaestroUGC]

How do I shoot up smack properly milord

First you must take your [Illegal Substance] and place it in a small tube with which you can use to inject it into something. A needle would do best, but a pen will do if you're in a hurry/unprepared. Place said tube right above your right knee and jam it straight though until you hit your femur. Once at your femur inject as must of the [Illegal Substance] directly into the bone as much as you can; leave it in there for an hour to make sure you get ever last bit of it.

Remove the tube immediately place cold water mixed with vinegar over the fresh hole in your leg. Keep your leg elevated, but not too high as you don't want to place your knee above your heart. Within the hour you should feel a slight buzzing in your lower spine; this would indicate a slight paralysis of the lower body.

This is normal.

This buzzing should grow until you pass out. You should wake up about two days later feeling refreshed and your leg now in the shape of the state of Florida. Should you not pass out call a doctor and the police because somebody should some weak-ass [Illegal Substance] and you are most likely about to have a stroke.

-Best wishes
Maestro

[mikey]

Let's say you'refloatingdownthemississippiriverandyougetaflattirehowmanypotatochipswoulditbeabletofillthestatueoflibertywithpeanuts?

[MaestroUGC]

Let's say you'refloatingdownthemississippiriverandyougetaflattirehowmanypotatochipswoulditbeabletofillthestatueoflibertywithpeanuts?

4. You'd only need 3 if you were floating down the Suwannee River, though.

-Best Wishes
Maestro