[3DS] Kirby: Planet Robobot - "VS. Star Dream" by Zeila & LeviR.star

[Zeta]

Submission Information:
Series: Kirby
Game: Kirby: Planet Robobot
Console: Nintendo 3DS
Title: VS. Star Dream
Instrumentation Solo Piano
Arrangers: Zeila & LeviR.star

[attachment deleted by admin]

[Zeila]

Two additional comments:
- Is the singular "con pedale" marking at the start sufficient enough, or would it be best to write in more explicit directions by putting "senza pedale" wherever it cuts out?
- Should we include a cautionary key signature at the end before the loop?

[Kricketune54]

Sorry about a bit of a wait on this one, this seems like it must've been quite an undertaking, as is my journey through it as I've been looking at it on and off least since a couple days before the update.

My feedback is going to only cover through page 4 for now, but it seems you both have done a solid job on translating this piece to piano. And what a way to introduce the Haltmann motif on site!

Symbols and Details
• Your system distribution from pg 2-7 causes the bottom system to be a little too low and some of the notes and symbols are outside the margins. Won't hurt to move all systems a little higher on the page while still keeping the nice alignment you've got going between pages.
• You could add small cresc. and decresc. for m5 and 6 (or just m5) to replicate the swells on the tremolos. It's pretty small but just a small extra step
       • maybe you could also use the note mover tool for these measures/m6? The rolls are quite close to the bar lines (almost obscuring it in m6) and you could move the whole notes a bit to give those a bit more space.
• m43 RH beat 1 could move the roll a little higher for a little better visual alignment.


Notes
• m14 LH beat 4 sounds like a G# is on top here, but all things considered the notes you have are probably fine so good to leave out.
• m24 beat LH I don't really hear this G in this octave on this beat. And if it's an acknowledgement of  Maybe just do the same pattern as 3 and 4?
   • beat 3. 5 sounds like an En but if you'd rather simplify this rhythm by keeping the An I'm good with it.
• m25 beat 4.5 I don't hear an A but do hear a C#. But does the A at the bottom just act as a nice chord note? I think it does so even if not their I think good to keep   
• m27 beat 2.5 RH red/2nd RH layer sounds like Dn
• m28 RH I hear C# on top not D. Also, beat 2.5 not hearing the E at the bottom is it supposed to represent the E in the same octave a beat or so later?
• m32 LH beat 4.5 there's a low E I feel is more prominent, this would also make the transition to beat 1 of m33 a little easier.
• m42 LH beat 4.0 you could write this Bb up an octave. Also, wouldn't the slur go the same as it is in m40?
• m43 and m45 RH beat 4 I feel the F is more prominent as the top note. The Bn doesn't really seem to fit compared to the original imo. Spelling could be Fn-Dn-Ab from top to bottom.
   • From what I can tell m45 introduces an En to the chord, creating a sort of clash between the F. I think it goes on the bottom of beat 1, next to the F on beat 2?
• m54 LH beat 3 sounds like Bb on top

Two additional comments:
- Is the singular "con pedale" marking at the start sufficient enough, or would it be best to write in more explicit directions by putting "senza pedale" wherever it cuts out?
- Should we include a cautionary key signature at the end before the loop?

I think these are both good inclusions. While the majority of this works with a pedal (as your Finale file shows), it would be good to give more explicit instructions for the couple sections where the player should lift up. I think a cautionary key would be good to have as a curtesy at the end given how far back the player is going

[Zeila]

Sorry about a bit of a wait on this one, this seems like it must've been quite an undertaking, as is my journey through it as I've been looking at it on and off least since a couple days before the update.

My feedback is going to only cover through page 4 for now, but it seems you both have done a solid job on translating this piece to piano. And what a way to introduce the Haltmann motif on site!

Thank you

• m14 LH beat 4 sounds like a G# is on top here, but all things considered the notes you have are probably fine so good to leave out.

We decided that keeping it as-is would be preferable

• m24 beat LH I don't really hear this G in this octave on this beat. And if it's an acknowledgement of  Maybe just do the same pattern as 3 and 4?
   • beat 3. 5 sounds like an En but if you'd rather simplify this rhythm by keeping the An I'm good with it.

We hear F-sharp and G together
   - we think this also would be better off simplified

• m25 beat 4.5 I don't hear an A but do hear a C#. But does the A at the bottom just act as a nice chord note? I think it does so even if not their I think good to keep

The A is there but an octave up, and the C-sharp is something we're fine with adding

• m27 beat 2.5 RH red/2nd RH layer sounds like Dn

Done. We also changed the next note from an F-sharp to a B

• m28 RH I hear C# on top not D. Also, beat 2.5 not hearing the E at the bottom is it supposed to represent the E in the same octave a beat or so later?

This is what we came up with after listening to it again. The E was technically an octave higher to begin with
You cannot view this attachment.

• m32 LH beat 4.5 there's a low E I feel is more prominent, this would also make the transition to beat 1 of m33 a little easier.

Changed 4.5 LH to an E below the staff

• m43 and m45 RH beat 4 I feel the F is more prominent as the top note. The Bn doesn't really seem to fit compared to the original imo. Spelling could be Fn-Dn-Ab from top to bottom.
   • From what I can tell m45 introduces an En to the chord, creating a sort of clash between the F. I think it goes on the bottom of beat 1, next to the F on beat 2?

Re-wrote the chord as Bb7 with the Ab at top still after listening to it again (the Bn changed to Bb and we added an F). Tell us your thoughts
   - also, about this, we're not sure we hear the E in that chord. Given the quietness in comparison, we decided to leave it out

• m54 LH beat 3 sounds like Bb on top

We were thinking that part should be consistent with m. 14's similar instance, and kept as-is

• Your system distribution from pg 2-7 causes the bottom system to be a little too low and some of the notes and symbols are outside the margins. Won't hurt to move all systems a little higher on the page while still keeping the nice alignment you've got going between pages.
• You could add small cresc. and decresc. for m5 and 6 (or just m5) to replicate the swells on the tremolos. It's pretty small but just a small extra step
       • maybe you could also use the note mover tool for these measures/m6? The rolls are quite close to the bar lines (almost obscuring it in m6) and you could move the whole notes a bit to give those a bit more space.
• m43 RH beat 1 could move the roll a little higher for a little better visual alignment.
• m42 LH beat 4.0 you could write this Bb up an octave. Also, wouldn't the slur go the same as it is in m40?
• I think these are both good inclusions. While the majority of this works with a pedal (as your Finale file shows), it would be good to give more explicit instructions for the couple sections where the player should lift up. I think a cautionary key would be good to have as a curtesy at the end given how far back the player is going

Updated, thanks for the feedback!

[Kricketune54]

Re-wrote the chord as Bb7 with the Ab at top still after listening to it again (the Bn changed to Bb and we added an F). Tell us your thoughts   - also, about this, we're not sure we hear the E in that chord. Given the quietness in comparison, we decided to leave it out

Okay, this works good enough, the Ab is def more prominent than the F tho F is technically above pitch wise. I was hearing the Bb too but I think I forgot to mention. In m45 on relistening I don't hear the En, I think my ears got tricked by the additional lower pitches here

We were thinking that part should be consistent with m. 14's similar instance, and kept as-is

Sounds good. Other comments/changes make sense, so moving on to more feedback

• m65 RH 1.0 not sure I hear the D#, could just have the En on bottom
• m74 RH 2.5 this is a 16th triplet D#-E-F#
• m76 RH 4.5 don't think the D# is in the upper part of this chord (outside of LH)
• m78 RH 2.5 visually Bn or A# missing a tie. Don't hear G#, instead hear F# still
• m81 RH 1.0 there's an An here, but I guess keep it out if you want to be consistent with m79
• m91 RH 1.0 could add D# below the F#, beat 2.25 sounds like C#
• m95 LH I think the low E doesn't come in till m96
•m108 RH you could add the bottom F# below the chord

I think that might cover it for me

[LeviR.star]

• m65 RH 1.0 not sure I hear the D#, could just have the En on bottom
• m74 RH 2.5 this is a 16th triplet D#-E-F#
• m76 RH 4.5 don't think the D# is in the upper part of this chord (outside of LH)
• m78 RH 2.5 visually Bn or A# missing a tie. Don't hear G#, instead hear F# still
• m81 RH 1.0 there's an An here, but I guess keep it out if you want to be consistent with m79
• m91 RH 1.0 could add D# below the F#, beat 2.25 sounds like C#
• m95 LH I think the low E doesn't come in till m96
•m108 RH you could add the bottom F# below the chord

- got it, we changed the chord
- good catch
- you're right, made the fix
- added the tie, respelled the second and third chords based on what we now hear
- Zeila hears a G-sharp, and I agree. Added some more chord members to the following measure(s)
- added the D-sharp, and updated the beat 2 pattern's rhythm to include another note
- I think this was a leftover from an earlier draft, but we fixed it now
- you got it

Files fixed! Thank you for giving it a complete look-over.

[Zeila]

Sorry, but we mistakenly added a G# to measure 108 instead of an F#. Everything should be fixed now, thanks!

[Kricketune54]

Okay almost there, just a few small things

•m81 I still hear an An on RH 1.0, not G#. Try slowing this part down a little I think I heard why you might be hearing G# but it's not actually there.
•Also earlier in m80 I'm not hearing in RH the G# on 1.0.
•m89 RH could also adjust the middle tie a bit

[LeviR.star]

•m81 I still hear an An on RH 1.0, not G#. Try slowing this part down a little I think I heard why you might be hearing G# but it's not actually there.
•Also earlier in m80 I'm not hearing in RH the G# on 1.0.
•m89 RH could also adjust the middle tie a bit

- Zeila and I were unsure, but we finally settled on A-natural after all
- fair enough; Zeila thinks it may be a bit more dissonant than what you're hearing but we're fine with removing the G-sharp anyway
- ties in Finale sure are weird sometimes... fixed

Thanks for the additional comments, we're feeling more confident about this sheet than ever. Files are updated.

[Kricketune54]

- ties in Finale sure are weird sometimes... fixed

You don't say.

I'm sure someone else can provide second opinion on these notes, but I am confident in what I'm hearing here. Good with approving as such

[Bloop]

Nice work on this!

-m1: Was there a specific reason to write the rolled chord in beat 4.5 as two separate voices? The R.H. can easily play it by itself.
-m20: Maybe you could tie over the E on beat 4.75 to the next chord, so the E is still played legato and still rings on in the next bar too. Small difference, but maybe a bit easier to play than to restrike it at this tempo.
-m22: The chord here is in its basic form an F#7, so the Bb's should be written as A#'s. The An is a bit annoying in there though, maybe you could notate that as a Gx? Another reason the An/Gx is annoying, is that the run from m21 beat 4.5 is pretty hard to play to this chord, but you can't really leave out the An/Gx or the A#, as that drastically changes the chord. A compromise would be to write the An/Gx in beat 2.5 instead, but it's not optimal. tl;dr you can probably leave it in beat 1 but it's annoying to play haha
-m26: I hear a C#-D-E 16th triplet on beat 2.5, instead of just 16ths D-E
-m34: Same hear with B-C#-D instead of B-C#
-m37: You can write all Bb's and Db's here as A#'s and C#'s (A#dim chord, as an upper extension of the F#7b9 in the next bar)
-m39 and 41: The player has to quickly release the D and F# in the R.H. on beat 1 to make place for the L.H., do you think that's something to specifically notate or something for the player to find out themselves?
-m40 and 42: All flats here should be enharmonically respelled to sharps (so Bb to A#, Ab to G#). Also part of an A#dim chord like before/part of a B melodic minor scale.
-m43 and 45: The Bb7 chord on beat 3 is actually functioning as an augmented 6th chord, so you could notate the Ab as a G#: functionally it's the same as the E# in m39 and 41.
-m44 and 46: Kinda same thing as 40 and 42: Db's should be C#'s, Cb's should be Bn's
-m53-54: Maybe you could write this Ebm9 chord as D#m9, as leadup to the G#m tonality in m55?
-m60 and 62: Same things here as in m20 and 22. In m22, because the Bn and Cn are both white keys, the thumb can play them both, so we luckily don't have to worry about playability haha. Enharmonic spelling equivalent of the A# and Gx in m22 would be B# and Ax here.
-m66: Another 16th triplet run on beat 2.5 (D# E F#)
-m82: Maybe you can switch the key to Em here? All harmony from here on is from Em, though I can understand keeping it at m92, since that's where the new section begins.
-m107-108: I hear the choir Bm chord from m108 on beat 3 of m107 already.
-m112: Maybe you can write the C# at the end of this bar as Db, as it's descending to the C back in m7?

[LeviR.star]

Hi updaters, please bear with us here, as Zeila and I are attempting to set aside a time to work through this feedback. She may be away at the moment as I have been trying to reach her since Sunday, but I will keep at it so that the files are fixed up ASAP. Thank you for your patience!

[Zeila]

Nice work on this!

-m1: Was there a specific reason to write the rolled chord in beat 4.5 as two separate voices? The R.H. can easily play it by itself.
-m26: I hear a C#-D-E 16th triplet on beat 2.5, instead of just 16ths D-E
-m34: Same hear with B-C#-D instead of B-C#
-m37: You can write all Bb's and Db's here as A#'s and C#'s (A#dim chord, as an upper extension of the F#7b9 in the next bar)
-m40 and 42: All flats here should be enharmonically respelled to sharps (so Bb to A#, Ab to G#). Also part of an A#dim chord like before/part of a B melodic minor scale.
-m43 and 45: The Bb7 chord on beat 3 is actually functioning as an augmented 6th chord, so you could notate the Ab as a G#: functionally it's the same as the E# in m39 and 41.
-m44 and 46: Kinda same thing as 40 and 42: Db's should be C#'s, Cb's should be Bn's
-m53-54: Maybe you could write this Ebm9 chord as D#m9, as leadup to the G#m tonality in m55?
-m66: Another 16th triplet run on beat 2.5 (D# E F#)
-m82: Maybe you can switch the key to Em here? All harmony from here on is from Em, though I can understand keeping it at m92, since that's where the new section begins.
-m112: Maybe you can write the C# at the end of this bar as Db, as it's descending to the C back in m7?

Thanks! All of these were updated, nice catches

-m20: Maybe you could tie over the E on beat 4.75 to the next chord, so the E is still played legato and still rings on in the next bar too. Small difference, but maybe a bit easier to play than to restrike it at this tempo.
-m22: The chord here is in its basic form an F#7, so the Bb's should be written as A#'s. The An is a bit annoying in there though, maybe you could notate that as a Gx? Another reason the An/Gx is annoying, is that the run from m21 beat 4.5 is pretty hard to play to this chord, but you can't really leave out the An/Gx or the A#, as that drastically changes the chord. A compromise would be to write the An/Gx in beat 2.5 instead, but it's not optimal. tl;dr you can probably leave it in beat 1 but it's annoying to play haha
-m60 and 62: Same things here as in m20 and 22. In m22, because the Bn and Cn are both white keys, the thumb can play them both, so we luckily don't have to worry about playability haha. Enharmonic spelling equivalent of the A# and Gx in m22 would be B# and Ax here.

We added ties to both measures 20/60 after all, but I (Zeila) thought that they looked a bit off colliding against the naturals like that and didn't know of a good way to circumvent that. We decided to keep the An/Gx in measure 22, but all of the enharmonic spellings have been changed!

-m39 and 41: The player has to quickly release the D and F# in the R.H. on beat 1 to make place for the L.H., do you think that's something to specifically notate or something for the player to find out themselves?

We don't think a performer's note is necessary here, but thanks for the suggestion anyways

-m107-108: I hear the choir Bm chord from m108 on beat 3 of m107 already.

The entrance on beat 3 is a bit more subtle and makes beat 1 of measure 108 sound more hollow in comparison. The chord sounds re-articulated on beat 1 anyways, and we felt that it would be better to write it there instead. Incorporating both strikes sounds too heavy handed

Another thing to note is that the tie in measure 34 was a bit manually adjusted, so if it looks off then please let us know

That should be everything! Thanks for checking it over :3

[Radiak488417]

I meant to say something when you first submitted it, but incredible work on this you two

My only comment is about the phrasing of the melody, in m8 + m10 + m12 I'm not hearing any of the downbeats as staccato, and this applies to all other repeats of this phrase later in the sheet as well (excluding m39-46 and m92-97)

[Bloop]

In m44 and 46, the A#'s in the R.H. should go back to being Bb's (C#dim chord): the Bn to Bb movement is mirroring the G# to Gn movement in m40 and 42, both are the (raised) 6 in the scale going back to the b6.

We added ties to both measures 20/60 after all, but I (Zeila) thought that they looked a bit off colliding against the naturals like that and didn't know of a good way to circumvent that.

Something you could do is shortening the tie so it stops before the natural, like this:
You cannot view this attachment.

We don't think a performer's note is necessary here, but thanks for the suggestion anyways

I wasn't necessarily thinking of a performance note, but rather putting the lower two notes in a separate layer as an 8th for example. Anyway, keeping it as is is fine too!

Everything else looks good!

My only comment is about the phrasing of the melody, in m8 + m10 + m12 I'm not hearing any of the downbeats as staccato, and this applies to all other repeats of this phrase later in the sheet as well (excluding m39-46 and m92-97)

I can kinda hear them being a bit longer, but they're still not fuly legato. At this speed, I think there's a very small, even neglible difference between playing them staccato and portato, so I think keeping the staccatos is fine too.