Thanks Latios! Also congrats on the promotion recently
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So... this might be weird but I want to write about criticisms on myself, and why I chose to share the videos that I did.
This is a format I've never tried before but I want to try illustrate the reasons I feel something qualifies as worth sharing, but also my stance and approach to uploading on YouTube, if this is better to belong in a different thread, then please do let me know
My thoughts might jump from topic to topic, but I'll try and piece it together as best I can
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So... I wish I could have shared other videos in my thread, though I feel the need to hold back as I have over 80+ videos of me playing piano since 2008, my first upload literally being the first thing I learnt for myself. While I could flood this thread with my videos, I felt that would not leave a strong impression.
I've always had this need for constructive, honest feedback which I would struggle to get, I don't want to come across as complacent with my achievements because as I'm sure everyone else here might, I look at myself very critically even down to the camera angle. My family wouldn't care much for what I did, my mum just new I played piano and had a channel, and ultimately, she would praise everything and anything I do.
One thing that I could almost never do on YouTube, was provide a flawless performance.... it got to the point that these flaws would eat at me, and they still kind of might depending, but I settled at being able to share something if I made a mistake or two. But this need to be perfect or else I'm doing bad ended up having a negative impact, and as my channel slowly went to trying to pander to my viewers wants, my pace slowed down, and I found it difficult to pick myself up.
Here is my first ever piano video on YouTube, Zelda's Lullaby....
In 2011, I had quit school because I was sick of being bullied, I didn't have anything going for me, and I just wanted out of it, but I got a new piano, and so I would dedicate more, and eventually revisit the same piece of music....
The videos I shared at the start of this thread with the exception of Touhou, were moments where I picked something to learn by ear, and try to copy it as close to the original as possible, which is similar to the MIDI videos I shared.
But to be honest.... I don't really know where I'm at now.....
At one point I resigned to the thought I couldn't play anything on YouTube ever again, but to give up all of my hard work, I didn't feel happy at that. I would learn new things, that would immediately feel boring as soon as I tried, I would listen to a piece of video game music and want to make something of it... but then come crashing down as I feel it's beyond me, and felt hopeless, I would look at my older videos and think "look at this amazing guy I'm not", it was despairing.
This mindset is partly why I had uploaded more improvisations, I would do more of my own things, I would put my own spin on what I learn, and that worked a bit better. But it has been an emotional rollercoaster as my difficulty with piano has deeper roots tied to my day to day life, largely inspiration and motivation.
The whole purpose of me uploading so much in the first place, was to have a story to tell, to show people where I am in a years time, five years time, etc etc, but I feel that since I had stopped uploading four years ago, I hit the pianists version of writers block.
A bit before improvising mostly on piano, I also wanted to make my own Touhou inspired music which I shared on Soundcloud....
https://soundcloud.com/findlay27/unnamed-composition-draft-2 (I never managed to finish this)
Thankfully this year has been more positive already, I have been more optimistic, and I have been looking at my older videos instead as accomplishments I'm proud of, my wife also being supportive, listening to me criticise myself every time I play something, being a strong support for me... I eventually set my eyes on something I wanted to learn, and for the first time in years, I had overcome a barrier, which I will share as an upload soon when I can record it.
Though I continue to be fearful that I'll fall back into depression and doubt myself, fear I can't find anything I want to learn, etc etc.
I don't know if that'll ever change... but yeah....
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I'm really sorry for rambling on ><.... I feel there's more I want to put in, but I just hit a wall and can't think of anything right now.
