Thanks for taking a look at it! I went back to take a look at some of the things you suggested and here's what I changed.
- Fixed the B natural (oops!) but I'm still hearing the m. 2/6 rhythm you mentioned as dotted 8th + 16th. Maybe I'm wrong but it sounds a little too off-centre to be two eighth notes?
- For the first part, I totally agree that the main melody is the bottom layer but had written it like that to keep the melodies in the original octaves. I tried flipping the top voice down an octave to put it below the main melody and it actually worked really well, however, so I went ahead and did that. This let me add the first four bars of the second melody (now measures 9-12), which I had left out because it clashed too much with the main melody in the original octave but works alright down the octave.
- The third part was definitely a challenge, I thought about it a lot because I wasn't sure how to fit everything in! I thought I had play-tested it but when I went back there were definitely a couple of places where the intervals were unwieldy, so I made some edits there. I think I ended up with more complete chords this way anyways, rather than doubling one of the melody notes an octave down.
- Because I added four bars in the intro and took out the repeat, I couldn't get it to fit on three pages without it looking cramped. So I respaced so there wouldn't be only one stave on the fourth page, which gave everything a little more room.
- I really like how you wrote out the middle section 
Thanks!! I'm glad you like it

Again, super happy you did this one 
As am I, it was a blast to do! Thanks again for all the feedback, it was really helpful
