Yeah the first half of this piece is pretty weird to write out isn't it.
Visual stuff:
-The second layer rests in bars 9,11,13,15 could be placed in normal position easily without interfering with the first layer since it's so high up.
-The graces in bars 13 and 15 should be semiquavers rather than quavers. (Like you did for 11).
-The voice leading line is (presumably accidentally) hidden.
-The 8va in bar 33 is really close to the roll marking on the first note.
-Some/most of the huge tie clusters need some tidying up. It'd be nice if you could distribute them a bit more evenly and remove the collisions.
-Bar 11 could do with some extra space at the start to fit in the roll marking more neatly.
-The 'at tempo' in bar 17 would look neater aligned more the left.
-I know you just edited this but the markings at the start could still be more spaced out, although they aren't actually colliding anymore.
Notes/arrangment (first page):
-Sounds like there's a missing Eb in the run of bar 4, before the first F.
-I don't hear the semiquaver C on beat 4 of bar 6. It sounds like it goes straight from the Bb to the Ab to me.
-Another missing (low) Eb in the RH of bar 12, after the Bb.
-Any reason why the chord changes aren't written in after bar 4? The left hand is always free to restrike the chord with the changed notes (like you did in the first four bars).
(second page)
-Would it not make more sense to have the left hand drop down to play the bass restrike in bars 18/20/22/26/28 etc. rather than playing a note that the RH could play anyway?
-I'm not sure I can hear the Ab on beat 3.5 in bar 28. If I slow it down and listen closely the closest thing I can hear is an octave higher anyway, and I think that's just the higher Ab still sounding.
-The C on beat 3 of bar 30 sounds like a Bb to me.
would like someone else to take a look at m. 32 beat 3 LH (Dn that I hear).
I hear both the F and the D there so, uh, I guess either is okay? Although if you only want to use one note, I would be inclined to keep F since I think the F belongs to the same voice as the Ab on beat 2. The D belongs to a different string voice that plays the same F as the melody on beat 2.
So it sounds like to me that the piano plays C -> Ab -> Bb (on the beats in this bar). There is also another voice that plays Ab -> F on beats 2-3. There is ALSO the voice that plays F -> Dn on beats 2-3. However, regardless to all of these things I think there should be a Dn on beat 3 simply because there is a Dn in the vocal line throughout bars 31-32 that resolves down a half step going into 33. Personally I think that resolution is what gives the transition a lot of its character and so it should be included somehow. Personally I'd just stick a Dn on top of the F on beat 3 since then that one will resolve directly down a half step to the Db in bar 33.
-I don't hear the Fn on beat 1 of bar 34 (left hand). I do however hear an Fn on top of the Bb in bar 33 (left hand).
-Dynamic change at 33?
-The F on beat 2.5 of bar 34 sounds more like an effect than an actual piano note.
-Include the vocal resolution C-> Bb in the final bar?
-I think the ending should have another measured bar at the end with the final note(s) tied through, rather than a fermata. It's completely in time in the original.