Well, today I looked at Sara, and I realized that I do desire a relationship with her. In the past, I did just want to be friends, but now, I just want her affection. Now, this doesn't mean I'm going to start trying to take action to persuade her into dating me, or that I'm objectifying women and being sexist because I desire a relationship. This simply means that I am starting to feel the effects of rejection (after 5 months, too) now that I am longing for a relationship that will never happen. Sara confuses me. I decided to take note of every time she showed, or at least attempted to show, affection for me. First of all, the fact that she always wants to walk with me to class, ever since the first day we became friends, the fact that she wants to be around me made me feel like she liked me. During a school dance, I was being boring and depressed because I don't like dancing and everyone else wanted to dance. She was trying to convince me that I wasn't boring and she was having fun sitting with me on a bench, but I was being stubborn. She rested her head on my shoulder before jerking back as if she remembered she was trying not to show affection (and this was before she knew I liked her). Walking down the hall one time, I started to lag behind because she wanted to talk with her other friends and I didn't want to be reminded that she doesn't want to be around me, when all the sudden, she notices and reaches out for my hand (before pulling back because she remembered not to show affection). One time I was depressed and she was trying to comfort me, except we were in a situation in which I didn't feel like talking. She kept trying to get me to laugh by pulling me into her and her friends' conversation. I wasn't in the mood. Her friends decided to go sit with the rest of the band, and I didn't feel like moving (or being around people), Sara noticed I wasn't leaving so she sat with me. She kept trying to persuade me into sitting with the rest of the band where all my "friends" were (in reality, they were her friends and they wanted to talk and hang out with her, not me) and then resorted to poking me until I moved. I told her to just go and sit with her friends, but she said that she's not going to leave without me. Then there was the time at the talent show in which she briefly held my hand for comfort when she was nervous. And that's not the only time she comes to me for comfort, she frequently tries to contact me when stressed or worried (once she texted me at 3 in the morning, and then bumped the text one minute after when she knew I'd wake up). Sorry for rambling, I just wanted to share some good memories I have so I felt better about being rejected. Also, I wanted to start out happy before you guys try to crush my dreams again.
